Can you imagine what kind of world we’d live in if sex-tape-making Courtney Stodden had her own show? Or the bizarre slant a Willow and Jaden Smith show would take?
Think of all the celebrities that don’t have a reality show, or haven’t had one, and compare them to what’s out there today — namely Teen Moms and every Kardashian known to man. Surely we can do better than this, can’t we?
After marrying a man technically old enough to be her grandfather, Courtney Stodden’s career has been speckled with bits of scandal, champagne, sex tapes, a pregnancy, and a miscarriage. Her flamboyant social media personality only lends credence to the idea that we absolutely need to see more of this girl, and if you need more convincing, three words: “Celebrity Big Brother.”
From her astronomical rise to fame to … well, let’s be honest: “Liz & Dick,” Lindsay Lohan has all the ingredients for the makings of a hit reality television show. Between arrests and revolving door boyfriends, Lohan — and her “eccentric” family — could have a show that’d easily be the next “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” America’s First Family? We think perhaps.
Willow and Jaden Smith
(Photo Credit: Larry Busacca/Getty Images)
We could all learn quite a bit from Will Smith and Jada Pinkett’s kids. Namely, how to project yourself onto an entirely different astral plane, how to destroy the United States educational system tweet by tweet, and how to conceal parental marriage issues. Imagine that!
Two words: tiger blood. Sheen’s forays into the bizarre would make for blockbuster prime-time television. And if you’re still hung up on “Two and a Half Men,” consider this deeply and write your local state representatives or whoever — let’s make this happen.
We’d like to see ol’ Arnie on reality TV not for his former state policies, and not for “Terminator.” We don’t want to come with him if we want to live. We just want to see his grimy, lying ass in action, fathering as many children as possible with the help, and writing tell-all books that only make him look like a bigger tool than he already is.
Yeah, she’s married now, but betcha if there was a camera crew following her around 24/7, she’d probably struggle with SOME kind of Brad Pitt drama. She can’t keep up the façade of perfection forever, right? Plus, hey — we’d probably get to see entirely too many shots of Justin Theroux’s pecs. We’d know those man boobs better than our own.
(Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Technically, she’s on a reality show. But it’s not just the Farrah show — all those other girls and their warped lives are involved, too. No, if Farrah had her own reality show that didn’t involve bondage, sex swings, or backdoor (and more!), we’d have a smash-hit on our hands. Imagine all that plastic surgery, disrespect, and vapidity in action. We don’t know if vapidity is a word … but we’re talking about Farrah Abraham here. The stupid’s real thick in this slide, so get comfy.
Imagine watching the ever-expanding, ever-shrinking woman in action on the regular. Then imagine being able to find out what was REALLY running down her leg at the Etta James tribute ceremony. Then imagine yourself in the bathroom, throwing up, because that’s where you’ll be after that last thing.
Consider living in a world where the funniest reality show ever was produced, and then imagine that Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger, was the main character in that show. Think of how you’d laugh and laugh at Kroeger and his music, and then imagine how hard you’d laugh at yourself for watching a reality TV show about the Nickelback guy. Then imagine yourself crying, because that’s how it’d end. Shame on everybody. Laughing, crying — now that’s entertainment.
A reality TV show featuring Shia LaBeouf — and his new bride, Mia Goth, perhaps — would be terrifying entertainment at its worst. Or best, depending on your outlook that day. As a matter of fact, the show would probably vary an incredible amount from week to week as a result of LaBeouf’s many personalities. There’s fewer things better than unpredictability in reality television, and LaBeouf could absolutely deliver. And if not? He’d probably let you punch him in the nuts. On TV.
Ke$ha’s had a wild ride — one week she checked herself into rehab, and the following week, her mother … well, she followed. Imagine following all that following, and all of that rehab, and then reflect upon the time Ke$ha thought it was a good idea to go around, munching on the beards of random men. You could basically design an entire reality show around beard-eating. …You pervert.
Every time a bell rings, a douche gets its wings, and Jesse Eisenberg is … well, just think about a reality show featuring Eisenberg for a hot minute. There’d be condescension, bullying, holier-than-thou proselytizations — it’d almost be like a male version of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Only with one character whose ego is bigger than them all.
Couch-jumping for DAYS. And when there’s no couch-jumping, intensive auditing sessions. The real scary kind. So scary, in fact, that you’d be considered an SP for even watching them. Maybe Tom Cruise doesn’t need the reality show — maybe YOU do, so he can keep an eye on YOU.
Why not have a reality show centered around seeing how many people you can offend in 60 minutes? If that’s what we’re angling for, Stacey Dash surely would be our girl. And hey … if nobody can remember who she actually is, they can hope for a cameo by her marginally more famous cousin, Damon.
Yeah, happiness, and health, and wealth, and career resurgence and “Dancing With the Stars” and “Fuller House” and all that lovely BS — we just wanna hear about all that partying and all that meth. Divulge, girl; divulge.
You remember “Scream,” right? Then you remember Skeet Ulrich. But probably just barely. How the hell old are you, anyway? But hey, Skeet Ulrich, and where in the world has he been lately? Isn’t that reason enough to give a fledgling celeb a crack at their own reality show? We think yes.
… Because no amount of Dr. Pepper can sate our thirst for the curly-haired “American Idol” alum. No, but really, he could team up with Kelly Clarkson — another former “Idol” star — and her slowly-dying career and wax nostalgic about their heydays. Also, maybe they could recreate THAT scene out of “From Justin to Kelly.” It’d be like “Dirty Dancing” all over again, but with a lot more sadness.
For a moment, imagine a world where a reality show with the one and only Kristen Stewart at its epicenter, and really feel that feeling you’re feeling right now — it’s called “discomfort.” In a sense, watching someone ten times more awkward than you, shuffling and stumbling and biting their lips through a 60-minute reality show HAS to be a boost for the old ego, right?
…Because you don’t already feel inferior enough. Oh, and hey! What a great tagline. Get Goopsy on the line stat so the Illuminati can go ahead and greenlight this project, like, yesterday.