A fist-wielding Joe Simpson jumps into action when he mistakenly perceives his surgically enhanced younger daughter to be in danger. Because this is what happens when your father-slash-manager micromanages your ENTIRE LIFE and your hump-buddy (and would-be defender) is far too worried about his guyliner smudging to jump to your defense. [Mollygood]
There’s nothing worse than waking up one morning and suddenly finding out that you’re dating a Shrewish American Princess, or as we like to call them, SAP’s. These overly possessive, shrill-voiced creatures are precisely the sort of vaginally insecure types who bitch and moan every single time you talk to—or, God forbid, look at—another girl, never mind if it’s only the pear-shaped barista at Starbucks and your entire conversation consisted of the words “Double grande no-fat latte.”
And naturally, despite giving you death-glares every time you come within a 10-foot vicinity of another female and smothering you with their clinginess, they burst into tears whenever you inevitably break down and say you need a night out “with the guys.” Go figure!
Anyhow, we were literally expounding about our feelings towards SAP’s when we happened to come across this report about Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, a.k.a. the most annoyingest couple in music/lip syncing history.
• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.
• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling “SUX” over her face with a giant white sharpie.
• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.
• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90’s catch-phrase “He’s just not that into you?” We’re just not that into it.
• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that’s fierce.
• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.
• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.
Sadly – or not – Nancy Jo Sales’ extensive (some might say exhaustive) look inside the world of the Cisco Adlers, Pete Wentzs, and Stavros Niarchos of the world isn’t available on VF.com, although a video add-on is. Which means you’re going to have to haul the double-pounder September Vanity Fair from the newsstand to your reading room (oh, you don’t have one?) to read “I’m With Her,” where Sales trips through Hyde and LAX taling “the boys who love the girls who love the spotlight.”
From Cisco’s low-hangers to Joel Madden’s spermination of Nicole Richie (the official acknowledgment came too late for press time), Nancy Jo’s basic argument is this: These “It” couples aren’t made of love, but business prowess. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz make for a paparazzi-laden opening of his Angels & Kings clubs while also delivering cross-over appeal with their fanbases. Thanks to his engagement to Nicole Richie, mostly average DJ AM can command five-figure fees to spin from L.A. to the East End. Harry Morton’s Pink Taco restaurant blew up only when Lindsay Lohan latched on to his arm. And so on.
Really, though, the article is most useful as an expose into how Vanity Fair plays the celebrity game while also reporting on the game of celebrity. And with the accompanying diagram, it’s also a look into what keeps the art department at their desks late into the night.
• New, wholly unnecessary installment of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, to star chubby no-name comedian. Alllllllright then!
• Brawl at Les Deux leaves one person weave-less, everyone else laughing uncontrollably.
• Pete Wentz continues to play off his gay fans.
• It must be nice not relying on the sketchy deli/bodega next door for your daily nutritional lunch.
• If you’d told us yesterday that Mariah Carey’s ass was hotter than Mandy Moore’s, we’d have called you a liar and then laughed uncontrollably. Oh, what a difference a day makes…
• As though wearing creepy, couple-coordinated outfits weren’t enough, David and Victoria Beckham also have the audacity to dress their children in matching rugby shirts.
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz confuse crazy hats with street cred.
• At what point did it officially become physically impossible to perform on So You Think You Can Dance without lip syncing?
• Yep, just another proud moment for Gwen Stefani and her less famous husband.
• With one simple, heartfelt gesture, Jason Davis singlehandedly restores oil family’s good name.
• If you’ve never perused the creepy gay personals, then brother, you haven’t lived.
• Pete Wentz defends girlfriend Ashlee Simpson’s honor by smashing a bottle over some dude’s head. Sorry ladies, this one’s taken!
• Liev Schrieber ignores the implicit “No Smoking” sign hanging over his wife Naomi Watts’ pregnant belly.
• It turns out that black women sometimes get abducted, too. It’s just that nobody bothers reporting it.
• Pete Wentz celebrated his 28th birthday by having gross bar bathroom sex with Ashlee Simpson. Cheers!
• After Paris Hilton’s grueling 5-minute incarceration, Nicole Richie starts preparing for her mugshot.
• Which daytime goddess is a fatty in denial?
• Jay McInerney broke his foot running to hail a cab outside the Waverly Inn. Which is so much cooler than having your foot run over by a produce truck…Jill Abramson!
• Ever wanted to see shitty video footage of Justin Timberlake dissing Britney Spears live in concert? Now’s your chance!
• Teen hip-hop artist Chris Brown has expressed his desire to collaborate with Michael Jackson. For his part, Jackson says he has never had any objection to working long hours in tight quarters with pubescent boys.
Earlier, we told you that Pete Wentz accidentally made it onto People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” list. And while we tried to give Pete the old benefit of the doubt (he does have really pretty, um, lipstick?) this video has us even more confused than ever.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just decide not to wear eyeliner,” says the effeminate, skinny jeans-wearing musician. “And then it bothers people when I don’t, and it bothers people when I do.”
What’s an androgynous emo guitarist to do??
The best part, however, is when Pete gives us (the viewer!) a step-by-step lesson in applying “guyliner,” a look the Fall Out Boy seems to have mastered after years of raiding his mother’s makeup drawer. The most important step, according to Pete, is to “smear it.”
Which makes the use of feminine cosmetics products seem so much more manly, somehow.
• Reality show maven Mark Burnett is scouring MySpace in an effort to find the next Amanda Congdon.
• Harper’s Bazaar versus Vogue is no contest. Vogue, the thicker and denser of the two, easily wins the “when dropped by a 6 foot model onto one’s head” competition.
• Meanwhile, black families everywhere were devastated to learn that they will no longer have a channel named after them.
• Four out of five red-blooded American men would risk jail-time to bang Miss America…aged 14.
• Reason #312** why Virgie Arthur should not get custody of Dannielynn: She had a baby. With her stepbrother. Cher Horowitz would sooo not approve.
• Jessica Alba, looking tranny-chic.
• Pete Wentz wears designer womens’ jeans, screws Ashlee Simpson and makes out with men. Which makes sense, considering he’s obsessed with Wacko Jacko.
• Paris Hilton is back behind the wheel. At least until her next DUI.
• Coming soon: Spider-Man: The Broadway Musical! And here we thought we had to go to the ballet to see men in tights.
**For the record, reasons 1-311 were all variations of “because she’s the one who raised Anna Nicole Smith.”
• Lindsay Lohan pulls an accidental Lizzie Grubman, backs her gigantic car over an opportunistic shutterbug who you just know has “1-800-I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T” on his speed dial.
• Jennifer Aniston contemplates a return to NYC. Now, who wants to gently break the news that “Central Perk” doesn’t actually exist?
• Second-tier fashion designer Anand Jon has been arrested/charged with rape. Marc Jacobs would care, but he’s too busy rehabbing with much more famous and important people.
• Sarah Jessica Parker’s new fashion line will be cheaper than H&M! Guess it wasn’t Olsen-inspired after all…
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson continue to sleep together without ever actually dating.
• Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson loves dogs so much she wants to adopt a child. Wait, what?
Well, with all the break-ups, cheating fiascos and new couple alerts this week, you’re probably having a tough time keeping it all straight. So let us try and help clear things up with a quick recap.
Less than a week after his wife told Page Six she was divorcing him, Marilyn Manson and almost-underage Evan Rachel Wood are already making dark and disturbing music together, while DJ A.M. proves he doesn’t have an “anorexia” fetish by dating the lovely (and healthy) Mandy Moore. Meanwhile, Claire Danes cheated on her boyfriend of three years with a gay guy, Scarlett Jo nailed Justin Timberlake while filming his next music video, and Drew Barrymore and Fabrizio Moretti called it quits, again, this time “for real.”
Oh, and Paris Hilton was spotted “hand-holding” in public while Britney Spears found herself a new seaman who kinda, sorta has that whole K-Fed thing going on.
Got it? Good. So now you won’t be totally overwhelmed when we tell you Lindsay Lohan’s reportedly back from nursing her appendicitis wounds and already hooking up with Ashlee Simpson’s (post nose-job) ex, Pete Wentz. (Yes, the very same Wentz who, as you may recall, beat up a security guard on tape earlier this week in a misguided attempt to prove Fall Out Boy has “street credit.)”
We just hope Linds watches out for that violent streak, cause we’d hate to this union go the same way as Jason Kidd’s marriage.
• Rosie O’Donnell blows up at Barbara Walters for not disputing Trump’s claims that Walters “regretted” hiring her.
• Fall-Out Boy (and one-time Ashlee Simpson “hump buddy”) Pete Wensz gets out his pent-up aggression by beating up a security guard…on tape.
• Angelina Jolie is sorry for blasting Madonna’s adoption of a Malawi boy, and wants to remind us that snatching kids from third-world families is “totally okay.”
• Julia Roberts possibly having twins, possibly just used to shopping for two.
• Hilary Swank gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; Chad Lowe says, ‘Hey, that’s great Hil. BTW, thanks again for blabbing to the tabs about my substance abuse problem.’
• Lara Spencer being considered for the Today show; considers it a “great opportunity” to continue copying Diane Sawyer’s career.
Usually so willing to answer our candid questions, Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy (and fall out of pants boy) was unusually coy on the MTV VMA red carpet yesterday — especially when it came to Ashlee Simpson. We were asking him one of our stock questions (see above clip), which happened to be about Ashlee: “What makes Ashlee Simpson more obnoxious? That she won’t cop to having a nose job, that she can’t sing live, or that she’s Jessica Simpson’s sister?”
We expected at least a playful snub, but no, nothing. Just a publicist-friendly “she’s so sweet” type response that we would’ve expected from Christina Aguilera. And then we read today’s Page Six item:
ASHLEE Simpson may claim she’s dating her bandmate Braxton Olita, but she looked a little too cozy with Fall Out Boys’ Pete Wentz at G-Spa the other night. The two spent time together at big sister Jessica’s Yahoo! roller-skating party at the Roxy, but got even closer at the after party at G-Spa. While others including Ashlee’s father Joe, mom Tina and blogger Perez Hilton looked on, Ashlee and Wentz sat together in a corner, cuddled and whispered all night until they left together.