If it’s not Robby T. we’re fawning over, it’s Atoosa Rubenstein, editor of flailing Seventeen. She’s the thirtysomething CosmoGirl! founder now responsible for dictating what every 14 and 15 year-old should be wearing to appear seven years older and eight times as slutty. But in addition to making teenage girls feel inadequate about themselves in magazine format, she’s got an advice column for the same demographic where she tries to repent for her sins. (Hint: With a name like Rubenstein, we’re sure you’re in our camp, which means you need only repent once a year, around September’ish.)
In today’s inches, she helps Jen, a 16-year-old chica, get through her preggerness after her now-in-the-military boyfriend knocked her up Danny Moder style. In case you’re wondering what it means to be court marshalled in the bedroom, we’re here to help you get through all the “enough with the hormones, sweetie” language.
Writes Jen of Deer Park, Wash.:
I’m seeing a guy who’s four years older than I am. Well, he just left for Iraq for two years. He wants me to wait for him, and I was planning on it, but I just recently found out that I’m pregnant, and I don’t know how to tell him. I know that he’s not ready for kids yet, and neither am I. Help!
Our poorly translated advice (or was it “poor advice translated”?) after the jump.
Atoosa writes: Wow.
What she really means: I have no credentials for handing out advice.
That’s quite a lot that you have to deal with right now. There are many different directions you can go in your scenario, and in every case, they are totally life-altering and need to be based on your value system — not mine.
I got rid of my values when I got into publishing, so you’re on your own, cupcake.
So while I’m happy to help, it’s not really my place to tell you what to do, so I will encourage you to go to your family first and foremost, because they will be closest to you in value system.
If you’re dumb enough to get knocked up, you’re dumb enough to actually think you should go to your family, who will likely force you to get an abortion, though I’m not sure whether that will be before or after they disown your trailer trash ass.
So just to be clear, before you even tell your boyfriend, it’s important to have discussed this with a few family members or friends who will have your back no matter how the conversation with him goes.
Are you sure you didn’t get pregnant from a cousin or uncle or something?
Once you have your support system in place (and obviously this is something you need to get done immediately because your situation is time-sensitive), then you need to figure out what you want to do about the pregnancy.
You need to figure out which is more likely to cause a miscarriage: throwing yourself down the steps or untwisting a coat hanger in the shower.
Because ultimately, while it’s certainly a couple’s conversation, it’s your body and your future that will be the most impacted, and chances are, with him being so far away, he will be wondering what your perspective is, and you need to have that answer ready.
The Army charges a shitload for satellite phone calls, and his attention span is going to wane once he’s realized it’s not a phone sex call.
It won’t be an easy decision for you. But you need to make it fairly quickly and then make that phone call to your boyfriend. I know it will be hard — but just start with the facts and say that you two need to make a decision. After the conversation, rely on your friends and family to give you emotional support.
You gotta hurry up before you pass your first trimester and have a bitch of a time finding a qualified doctor to rip out your fetus. The president is making it harder and harder for us gals, so get a move on.
You can contact your family doctor or call Planned Parenthood at 800-230-7526 for more information regarding your decision so you can take the right steps — whether that means getting prenatal care or otherwise.
That’s actually a phone sex number for your boyfriend overseas. I recommend you buy him a prepaid MasterCard for Christmas so he can afford the additional $1.99 per minute.