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Jossip Contest: Claynation loves to hate us / Jossip

Fri / 29 Apr 2005
Jossip Contest: Claynation loves to hate us

» More Ego > Announcement

We asked for your best (and worst) anti-Jossip, pro-Clay Aiken emails – and you certainly delivered like Britney will this fall. One thing we didn’t quite anticipate was the force of Claynation’s phone and email tree. Their members are more difficult to get rid of than herpes – even with Valtrex.

Our appeal to Arianna Huffington to get one of her celebrity blogger friends to judge the contest went unanswered, so we took on the task of judging the best of the worst ourselves. And of course, the two best entries win tickets to Woman Before A Glass, but we have a feeling the best emails came from people who had no interest in accepting anything from this website, free or not. (In fact, it was more than a feeling, thanks to notes like this: “Oh yeah, you retards….keep your f*cking tickets. Shove them up your hole for all I care. I don’t want them. Oh, and while you’re at it, why dont you burn in heck?!”)

Let’s just say we had a lot of reading to do with such an egregious invitation from Aiken’s supporters and detractors, but we narrowed it down for our readers .. again, this level of service journalism doesn’t come cheap.

The winning two entries after the jump, Claykers!

From Gretchen (or rather, “Vin Diesel”) we received this sexually explicit and emotionally disturbing message.

I feel sorry for you, Sorry that Clay hasn’t touched your life like he has touched mine. Everyday in everyway his music touches me. Touches me all over. Like a butterscotch wave of love, unashamed, and uninhibited he is not afraid to be real. People like you are just afraid of what might happen if you let his powerful torrent of love into your lives. You call him names and bully him. I believe that, like Christ, he is a martyr for the masses. Clay loves you even though you hate him. He surly forgives your words and would no doubt welcome your presence in his heart.

Since the first time I saw him on Idol I knew he was special. I had this dream the other night where he and I were walking down the beach hand in hand and I felt all my worries disappear and melt away, my hate for the world dispersed, so much that I am unable to raise my voice in anger even now. Walking down the beach we wept, it was beautiful. I woke up in my front yard spooning my neighbors golden retriever, grasping a garden hose tightly. My neighbors must have realized how happy I was because they all watched me get up and walk across the damp grass up the driveway. As the squad car pulled up to the curb I knew that yet again I would have to suffer for my love.

As I watched the police officers hurry towards me I noticed a faint set of wet footprints next to mine. I realized I had not been alone. Clay had been with me. Apparently, like yourself, the arresting officer did not feel the power of Clay either. He informed me that while it is indeed legal to sleep naked in ones home it is not legal to do so on ones front lawn while ???forcefully entrapping??? an animal. The world just does not understand. But you will soon. You can call him whatever you like but I am a proud Clay Mate and you can???t take that away from me. The courts can, but you can???t.

Affectionately Clays, Vin Diesel

Pass the Listerine, please, that was gross. But we must move on, so here’s Suzanne’s lengthy response. And you gotta love blogs, because this item would never make it into a space-conscious newspaper.

How dare you insult Clay Aiken, God???s gift to humanity! Where would the world be today if Clay Aiken had not come along to tell us how to live? Prior to Clay our lives were empty and devoid of excitement. Then, by some miracle, along came Clay. He told us how to think, how to spend our money, how to make him the most famous idol, what charities to donate money to, in other words, everything you would want in a man. *swoons* Not only that, but this gorgeous male specimen *we have a vault full of proof, winks* never cheated on us, EVER!. In all the years we have been following him he has never had a girlfriend, he loves us exclusively. *swoons again*

People make so much of his relationship with his male stylist. Just because they are together every waking moment people talk. Don???t they realize that every superstar needs constant grooming? The fact that they both have portable puppies and share the same tour bus is just another indication of Clay???s generous nature. He could have made his stylist ride with the other flunkies but he wanted his puppy to have a friend. We couldn???t love him more! *thud*

We admire Clay???s inner strength too. What other person could go on tour and put on an embarrassingly amateurish performance night after night? He doesn???t let the fact that we travel to multiple concerts to fill his seats make him feel in any way indebted to us; he’s a future politician for sure. Recently he submitted congressional tesimony requesting additional funding for UNICEF and copied it almost verbatim from the request written the previous year. He’s no dummy, why put forth extra effort when there are more important things to do?

We are only too happy to devote our lives to making him a success, no amount of time and money is too much, our kids and spouses understand completely and are very supportive???no, really! I???ll tell you a secret but promise not to tell OK? There are a few thousand of us on the internet and the minute his tickets go on sale we rush to buy them up, overwhelming the phone lines and staff. He he, we love to do that stuff because it gets us both headlines. It also gives us an opportunity to sell our good seats on ebay for exhorbitant prices and make some quick cash. We have learned soooooo much from Clay’s example. *sigh*

Same thing goes for anything Clay sells. No one ever notices that his sales are big in the beginning but then drop off abruptly or that we conduct major campaigns to have fans buy mulitple copies of everything. Disney and the charities were quick to catch on to what we are willing to do for Clay but as to the general public, we have them all fooled and we love it! Clay Nation rocks!

We work hard day and night to make sure that nothing bad is ever printed about him, we even control the message boards, and the greater internet, so Clay???s image is always squeaky clean and just the way we like it. If anyone has an opinion of their own we get rid of them…fast! We are a force to be reckoned with, why in one year alone we were able to reduce his internet fanbase by at least half. There is zero tolerance for rebel fans or fans of other idols, people who might actually have a brain and can figure things out. We hate them and we hate that the women???s movement encouraged us to think for ourselves. Clay rules baby, if you don???t get that you truly haven???t evolved as a women, that’s a fact. Let me tell you something else, Clay loves it that way, he loves all of us mature ladies fighting his fight, smothering him in a protective blanket. The bullies have to navigate through our blockade to get to him now! ; He???s so smart!

Some might say that given the nature of how his success was achieved, he is still a loser running from the bullies trying to promote his own self-importance. Not so, it is merely a coincidence that every article written about his charitable endeavors includes 75% his resume (superstar, sold multi-platinum, etc) 25% charity focus. I know it looks as if he is using the charities as a public relations effort but we know he’s not that kind of guy, that would really be taking advantage now wouldn’t it?. And…the fact the he recently endorsed a high fee Mastercard debit card for children in no way makes him seem irresponsible, as some are saying. When the children deposit $100 in their account and quickly see the fees reduce it to $85 they will learn a valuable lesson about greed and capitalism. Clay is all about teaching the kiddies lessons and I bet he will refund each and everyone of those kids when they learn their lesson the hard way. *gotta love the guy*

We have our hands full keeping the Clay train rolling and then people like you come along and try to block the tracks. So far we have been able to chug along under the radar but if you keep drawing attention to the things we try so hard to cover up sooner or later it will make the mainstream press. If that happens you are as good as toast because, as I mentioned earlier, Clay Nation is a force to be reckoned with. You remember that Jossip! *clenches fists*


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