Occasionally, We Think About People Other Than Ourselves 38013

Today, we here at Jossip Headquarters have decided to commemorate our nation’s triumph over the American Indians and propensity for overeating by taking a moment to reflect on our wonderful lives and come up with a list of things for which we are thankful. First up: Debbie Newman.

This year, I am thankful…

• That hosting Thanksgiving means I will not have to watch the football game, Macy’s Day parade or require every person at the table to do something hokey like say “two or three things for which I am thankful” this year.*

• To Whole Foods, for announcing that they will remain open on Thanksgiving day on the off-chance (read: strong likelihood) that my homemade side dishes aren’t quite up to par.

• That my mother is not yet internet savvy enough to realize that I make a living writing pseudo-intellectual diatribes about Kimora Lee Simmons and Heather Mills, posting photos of barely-legal child actresses and warning lingerie addicts about the hidden dangers of gem-encrusted undies.

• That I have enough crap tv shows already DVRed to last me through t least another three weeks of the television/screenwriter’s strike.

• To Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and President Bush for preemptively agreeing not to do anything remotely scandalous, newsworthy or illegal (that might necessitate, say, a breaking news update) over the next 96 hours.

• To the crazy lady who sits in the corner office for courteously helping me to pass the time (and relieve the monotony of a slow news day) by screaming obscenities into her telephone. Repeatedly.

• To my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the New York City bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.

• That the combination of tryptophan and copious amounts of wine means the bulk of my family will be rendered semi-conscious and, thus, largely incapable of asking invasive questions about my personal life.

• Three words: Four day weekend.

* No offense, Rebecca. Love the idea!