• “Which rocker-ette, who is attempting a comeback, has a new eating disorder to replace the drugs? Apparently now she will eat only yogurt products,” tantalizes Ben Widdicombe.
• Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, “Courtney Love showed off her new skinny bod by performing in a one-piece Marc Jacobs bathing suit at Hiro,” chirps Rush & Molloy.
• Diddy moves on from ex-girlfriend Kim Porter faster than you can say “canoodling with a brunette in a cabana with three bodyguards blocking him from fans and paparazzi.” And that kind of cathartic promiscuity can’t be good for the wallet.
• Brandon Davis’ parents finally do the sensible thing: disown their overweight and out of control son until he learns how to eke out a respectable living dealing drugs and hocking “Team Firecrotch” t-shirts.
• Don’t listen to K-Rock radio today unless you want to hear a 4-hour block of 30 Seconds to Mars songs.
• DJ AM dumps his much more attractive girlfriend for being “too high maintenance.” And she totally was! You know, except for that whole willingness to date an unattractive, tattooed manorexic.
At Sundance, JANE magazine asked a bunch of celebs “What’s your crime?” Here are a few of their answers:
We just have a few short corrections.
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As you all know, we’ve very much enjoyed covering the worldwide phenomenon better known as the “Win A Date With Brody Jenner” contest.
And while we’re still unconvinced of Brody’s fame quotient, wary of his intentions and skeptical of his self-professed goal of “sleeping with all of Laguna Beach,” we feel Brody’s willingness to brazenly put himself out there is nothing less than inspirational.
And so, in the spirit of Brody Jenner, we have generously decided to offer our (unsolicited) matchmaking services to yet another social-climbing bachelor looking for his next rich or famous lady-in-waiting.
Meet the next eligible single and find out how you can land him right after the jump!
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• Supposedly, there are pictures floating around showing Britney Spears to be (gasp!) an unfit mother. And when you’re done chewing on that, chew on these.
• Jim Carrey has given Jenny McCarthy cart blanche to bang Justin Timberlake, should the opportunity ever present itself.
• Is Gisele Bundchen pregnant or isn’t she? Either way, she looks totally hot on the cover of Vanity Fair!
• Mandy Moore may or may not have come to her senses and ditched DJ AM.
• Jimmy Kimmel can’t take credit for breaking Jared Leto’s nose. But he kinda wishes he could.
• Angelina Jolie foils kidnapping plot by convincing her would-be assailants that she’s “not nearly as attractive as she looks in the movies.”
• ParisJackson Exposed! Michael Jackson’s in vitro offspring photographed without their body-armor.
• Lindsay’s incarcerated dad continues his bad parenting streak; gives the term “Pen Pal” an amazing new meaning.
• Even super-pierced hipsters think DJ A.M. is lame.
• Anne Hathaway possibly likes chicks, possibly likes having lesbo sex with that dork from Welcome to the Dollhouse.
• Jeremy Piven jokes about being gay to explain his chronic singledom. Reality: Jeremy Piven is just horribly, horribly awkward with women.
• K-Fed gets tempting taco offer from Taco Bell; still nothing from real, live females.
• Food Network star Rachael Ray is possibly racist, definitely annoying.
• K-Fed’s worst nightmare is losing Britney’s fortune and ending up in the fast food industry. Related: the fast food industry’s worst nightmare is being portrayed by K-Fed in a commercial.
• Hugh Hefner shoots down Kelly Osbourne’s dreams of posing nude—and heavily airbrushed—in Playboy magazine.
• Jennifer Aniston gets plastic surgery, denies it; Ashlee Simpson welcomes her to the club.
• Mandy Moore is rumored to be dating DJ A.M. for the publicity; DJ A.M. is rumored to be dating Mandy Moore because she’s “really, really hot.”
• Scott Baio is shopping around a memoir about how he got dumped by most of Hollywood’s leading ladies.
• Model/actress Bridget Moynahan is getting rexy over rumors that naturally-thin supermodel Gisele Bundchen is dating her ex. Related: normal women everywhere try, fail, to relate.
• Introducing President Barack Obama, from the same people who brought you Shrek and Shrek 2.
• Grey’s Anatomy star Isaiah Washington fires his publicist for permitting him to attend the Golden Globes without wearing a muzzle.
• But that may not be enough to stop Washington from joining 289 former Time Inc. staffers over at the unemployment line.
• Mandy Moore is evidently still punishing herself for “Candy” by continuing to date DJ A.M.
• Today’s blind item is more of a “who cares?” than a “whodunit?” but we leave you to ponder over which Spitzer appointee has a threesome fetish.
• And today, in Z-list celebrity feuds…Dustin “Screech” Diamond takes on Gary Coleman.
• Angelina Jolie is under fire for denouncing Madonna for child-stealing when she herself is “well on her way” to kidnapping an entire starting five.
• Sharon Osbourne used to retaliate against negative reports in the press by sending the offending journalists “poo” in a box.
• Publisher Leigh Haber is already being toted as the next Judith Regan. A delighted Haber is to have begun practicing her racial and ethnic slurs.
• Christian Slater and Sharon Stone continue to dry-hump each other without actually dating.
• Apparently Mandy Moore gave DJ A.M. her digits right in front of ex Wilmer Valderrama’s face. Fortunately, Valderrama has a never-ending supply of up and coming tween starlets to help dull the pain.
• Dustin “Screech” Diamond is reportedly “very nervous” about rumors that Paris Hilton’s bestie, hottie Kim Kardashian, is shopping around a sex tape of her own.
Based purely on circumstantial photographic evidence, it looks as though Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein is already making good on his promise to find himself a brand new celebrity to bang.
Nicole Richie’s headline-grabbing ex was recently spotted cozying up to Mandy Moore, despite reports that Moore and Wilmer Valderamma were attempting a reconciliation. Although Moore seems an unlikely suspect, the news doesn’t exactly come as a surprise in light of a recent Page Six item that had DJ AM desperate to find his next famous squeeze:
[DJ AM] doesn’t miss his ex-girlfriend, the anorexic and pill-popping Nicole Richie. But he does miss her fame. Goldstein has been quietly asking friends in Los Angeles to “set him up with someone who has a name,” said a friend. “Basically, he knows he can charge a lot more when he is attached to a famous girlfriend. His rates have had to go way down since he split up with Nicole.”
Well, you’ve got to give the boy some credit. After all, most of us have already crashed and burned with our New Year’s Resolutions.
• Dita Von Teese to divorce fellow albino Marilyn Manson. Mutual friends said to be dismayed by the freakishly pale breakup.
• Scarlett Johansson denies our earlier report that she can’t be in the same room as your peanut butter sandwich.
• No matter how many ladies Richard Gere bangs, he’ll never live down that gerbil rumor.
• Halle Berry becomes newest member of the Might Be Pregnant club, joining veteran members Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, and J. Lo.
• White Rapper threatens to plunge reality show genre into unprecedented new lows. K-Fed originally tried out for the show, but was rejected for being “too freakin’ talented.”
• DJ AM has gained 20 pounds since dumping Nicole “BobbleHead” Richie, and plans to take it off the Star Jones way.
• Mickey Rooney is the new Brooke Astor.
• Britney Spears classes things up with a quick booting in the bathroom.
• It’s not that DJ AM misses Nicole Richie. He just misses her access and her headlines.
• Jessica Simpson recalls her disasterous Dolly Parton tribute.
• Judge orders Anna Nicole Smith to find out whose baby daddy rightfully deserves her drama.
• The pope might be gay? That men in robes might like other men in robes is never the most shocking bit of news.
• Miss Nevada loses crown over photos showing her exposed boobies and tongue in other girls’ mouths. The pageant assocation dismisses the scandal with a note about “this sort of thing happens all the time.”
• It’s not just about the minks and chinchillas: Singer Pink joins PETA to boycott the unethical treatment of sheep.
• On her new album, Beyonce describes her love life as “boring.” Don’t worry Jay-Z, she likes it like that. [Billboard]
• We guess Cristal won’t be making an appearance in any upcoming Cribs episodes either. [HipHopGame]
• Great, now we’ll probably have to hear a rap album from Jacob the Jeweler. [MTV]
• Oh, Justin Timberlake. You were so much cooler when you hung out with Ashton Kutcher. And that’s really not saying very much. [AP]
• Spin doctor DJ AM finds himself a new, less famous, less skinny, groupie girlfriend. [Page Six]
• Confession from Jim McGreevy’s truck stoppin’ past. We can just see the mini series now. [Queerty]
• Oh, Beyonce. 20 pounds is nothing. Take a role playing Nicole Richie and then come talk to us. [Page Six]
• Toni Morrison’s Beloved is the most beloved book of the last 25 years. Thanks to Oprah, the book guru, she was able to beat A Million Little Pieces. [NYT]
• Tara Reid has one thing going for her: vodkadar. Should help ease the pain when Jared Paul Stern finally bites off her boob. [Mollygood]
• And in other Nicole Richie news, DJ AM dumps her, again, because he can’t he’s afraid he’ll fracture her pelvis when they do it. [Us Weekly]
• Leave it to a guy like David Spade to create a murderous cat fight and spill it to Us Weekly. [Us Weely]
• NBC gives Ada Calhoun a reason to smile — Law & Order returns for season 17. [USAT]
• Listen kids, it’s ok to do coke if you’re Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss. But if you’re some has been like Daniel Baldwin, you’re going to go to jail. [TMZ]
• In attempt to keep up with his on-again girlfriend Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein goes under the knife. [The Bosh]
• Ellen Barkin makes peace with her neighbors. Which is good, because you never know when she’ll get left barefoot on the sidewalk. [Gawker]
• Can D.J. AM’s rescue mission save Nicole Richie? Maybe if his rescue mission includes milkshakes and muffins. [Star]
• Whatever you do, don’t piss off Harvey Weinstein. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove is still hanging out with celebrities. Just so you all know. He hangs out with celebrities. You got that? [Lowdown]
• Maybe Eminem and Katie Holmes can start an “I’ve been brainwashed” support group? [The Scoop]
• Weren’t you all paying attention to today’s earlier lesson. Journalists get things wrong every day. It’s all good. [Fishbowl NY]