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Don’t Worry, Parents. Your Offspring Is Completely And Entirely Normal. Just Hideously Unattractive.

“Don’t panic. Your weird baby is likely normal.” So begins the intro to an informative (if slightly gross) article on CNN detailing the the myriad of unfortunate-looking ailments afflicting newborns today.

Thought colic was your biggest problem? Think again! Try having an infant with crossed eyes, a third nipple, an alarmingly gigantic belly button, ample baby boobs, acne or, better yet, all of the above.


Nov 8, 2007 · Link · Respond

Possible Reincarnated Goddess Resurrected as a normal child

Surgery to remove the extra set of limbs on the Indian toddler who was born with a parasitic twin was a complete success. The parents of the child, along with many people in her village, thought she was the reincarnation of the multi-limbed Hindu goddess Vishnu.

No word yet on how removing the physical evidence of her connection to Vishnu will affect her in the next life.


Nov 7, 2007 · Link · Respond

Everyone Else: Duh

Finally satisfied that she milked her maybe-pregnancy for all it was worth (and even outlasted fellow obviously pregnant singer/album-promoter, Jennifer Lopez) Christina Aguilera has effectively ended months of definitive speculation by revealing that the giant, fetus-shaped protrusion in her uterus is, in fact, a fetus.

Next up for Aguilera: Landing an exclusive designer maternity wear contract, coming up with a suitably embarrassing celebrity baby name and paying her publicist to arm her with a steady string of (predictably) boring pregnancy/new mommy quotes, like “What am I craving the most? Sleep!” and “To tell you the truth, all I want is for my baby to be happy and healthy. And weigh at least 40 pounds.”

Nov 5, 2007 · Link · 3 Responses

Decide They ‘Can’t Fathom’ Another Month Inside A Crazy-Person’s Uterus

Nancy Grace, the acerbic tv pundit best known for her stance on “victims rights, despite all hard evidence to the contrary” has given birth to her twins a month ahead of schedule.

The technical reason? “She developed fluid in her lungs and her doctor determined ‘it would be best for Nancy, and for the twins’ to deliver them ASAP.” The more amusing (but less factually accurate) reason? Not even Nancy Grace’s unborn children can put up with her incoherent, rambling tirades.

Regardless, we’re happy to welcome fraternal twins Lucy Elizabeth and John David into the world. No word yet on which one is “the evil one” yet, but we’ll let you know just as soon as we hear which one looks more like his/her mother.

Nov 5, 2007 · Link · 1 Response

Her name is Ashleigh Banfield, if that helps you remember her

Remember Ashleigh Banfield? No? Don’t worry, you’re not crazy, you’re just a typical American whose cable news attention span is as paltry as cable news execs think it is. Some of you might remember her as the MSNBC anchor who was a sure-fire rising star … who suddenly disappeared from the network. As of 2005, you could find her on Court TV, that channel that just signed Star Jones and that Nancy Grace just ditched.


None of that is important, because Ashleigh just had a baby! His name is Ridley Banfield Gould, and it’s Ashleigh’s second son with husband Howard Gould. And through it all – the marriage, the job changes, the babies – we’re just glad to see she’s carried on with her square eyeglass frames. Something’s gotta stay constant.

(Oh, and Norah O’Donnell had twins.)

May 21, 2007 · Link · Respond

Andrea Peyser is not happy. Well, not that she ever is happy, but today she is freakin’ livid. Like pissed off. At Madonna, of all people. The least controversial subject in the universe. She is angry because the material media whore went and grabbed up a baby from Africa … a baby who had a family and didn’t really need hers. Except for the whole money thing.

Days ago, she lined up 12 African boys – tots hand-selected for her perusal. She picked out a 1-year-old, David, to take home in her luggage.

Well guess what? The boy selected in this freakish slave auction is no AIDS orphan. He’s got a biological father, plus a granny – but was placed in an orphanage after his mother died. His family loves him. They just can’t afford him.

If Madonna possessed a speck of sanity or shame, she would write a generous check. Instead, the boy’s father says he is thrilled at the prospect of a wealthy American carting off his progeny.

Madonna should nail herself on her crucifix – for real, this time.

Uhh, what? Did Peyser really just say that? We get that what Madonna did was a pretty shallow publicity stunt … we don’t even have a problem with Peyser calling her a whore. But when she starts suggestions celebrities kill themselves via means of sacrificial religious ceremonies, we have to draw the line.


Oct 12, 2006 · Link · Respond

Where in the world are Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? Why the jet setters are off in Pune, India, where they are doing some baby shopping/movie filming. Ok, no baby shopping has been reported yet, and really it’s just Angelina who’s filming.

The new mom is staring in A Mighty Heart, the story of Daniel Pearl’s death, written by his wife, Mariane Pearl, and it’s Angie who is taking on the role of Mariane in the “socially conscious film.” While we’re sure is thrilled to live her dream of being a non-white person (Mariane is “Afro-Cuban“) Jolie expressed that she was a bit disappointed to be filming in India. She really loves Pakistan more.

Jolie said in a weekend statement that she was disappointed not to be filming in Pakistan, “a country I love and have visited three times.” But security concerns pushed the filming to the western Indian city of Pune, which was chosen because it resembles Karachi, Pakistan.

Plus, after going to Pakistan three times, they finally told her if she comes in brown make-up and a head covering they would just give her a baby.

Jolie and Pitt, with ‘Heart’ [USA Today]

Oct 10, 2006 · Link · 6 Responses

You know, Jann Wenner looked a bit ragged when we saw him on the Today show this morning. And maybe this item from today’s Rush & Molly column could explain why:

That was publisher Jann Wenner and his partner, Matt Nye, pushing their 6-week-old baby, Norah Jasper Nye Wenner, down Central Park West in a stroller ???

Uhhh … whaaat? Dude’s been up with a baby all night for two months and we are just hearing about it?! Shame, shame little gossip mongers. And nobody even pointed us to the Liz Smith item that ran August 23? You always call us out when we miss that crap!

A few things off the bat: note the baby’s name is NOAH and is a BOY according to Smith. Not Norah. Or a girl. (Which makes more sense because, well, Jasper is a boy’s name.)

Whatever, the only thing all of this means is: we need details, Wenner employees. Does Jann keep photos of the baby around? Has he brought him to the office? Has having a little one melted his heart and stopped him from throwing pencils at the interns?

There is always the chance that Rolling Stone and Us Weekly staffers don’t even know the baby was born yet … which would grant you all forgiveness in the hearts of Jossip. Then again we can fall back on the likely option that Rush & Molloy are just totally wrong and there was just a random dude with paint chips stuck in his beard pushing a baby in the park with his boyfriend.

(And here we thought only Us Weekly got the genders of famous babies all wrong.)

Surveillance… [Rush & Molloy, Daily News]

Oct 9, 2006 · Link · Respond

So, despite the hysterical reports swarming the Internet (and even television) yesterday, Madonna puts a stop to the rumors that she adopted a baby from Malawi.

After she visited the country, Malawi officials claimed she picked a baby from a lineup of 12 boys upon her arrival in the capital city of Lilongwe.

They said Madonna originally wanted to adopt a young girl, but like a suburban housewife having second thoughts about what color to paint her living room, changed her mind two weeks ago.

“She asked us to identify boys only, which we have done after visiting four orphanages in Lilongwe,” said government spokeswoman Adrina Michiela. Authorities said they waived Malawi’s ban on nonresidents adopting children to allow Madonna to become the legal parent of the boy.

All of which Madonna says is completely not true. Her publicist, however, hopes that the publicity over the “bizarre hoax” will draw attention to the “horrifying devastation” in that country.

But, you know it won’t. She has to adopt a baby from there and then go on Anderson Cooper for three hours. Otherwise, nobody will care.


Oct 5, 2006 · Link · Respond

Months after having her second child, and weeks after Charles Gibson pushed her aside to lead World News Tonight on ABC, Elizabeth Vargas is opening up. To People.

Besides raving about her new baby, Samuel Wyatt, talking about how much she adores her family, and prepares to head back to work, Vargas also talks about her struggles at ABC. And when she gets back to work, she will be hosting a special on whether or not working moms can “have it all.”

… My first night back we have a major project airing.”

The topic is something Vargas knows a thing or two about. “We have decided to address the issue of whether or not working mothers can have it all,” she says. “Obviously, I’m exhibit A for: you can’t. At least, not if “all” is defined as anchoring World News Tonight.”

Obviously. Well, that’s nice that ABC is having Vargas to this little special episode. That way all moms around the country can know that they aren’t the only ones who feel like failures because the work force doesn’t support the demands of balancing parenting and a career.

Elizabeth Vargas Balances Work & Motherhood [People]

Oct 2, 2006 · Link · Respond

This just in … Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have named their child. And while we thought Traylor Park Federline was a good name (Nasty Hair Extensions was too long) Britney and Kevin decided to go with something a little more outside their normal realm. Ok, enough with the suspension.

According to Star, the Federlines decided to go with Sutton Pierce Federline for the name of their second child. Sticking with the SPF we see.

Lucky for this one, he will likely be placed correctly in his car seat, will not dropped on his head, and won’t have to listen to Popozao. Sean Preston has already nick-named him “lucky bastard.”


Sep 18, 2006 · Link · Respond

• Since she just landed a TV show, Amanda Peet thought, “hey, now would be a great time to get pregnant.” [People]

Greg Lindsay covers the most unglamorous aspect of Fashion Week: seating the editors. [Mediabistro]

• But they better not get too cozy in those seats. Fashion Week is in danger. Danger we tell you! [Page Six]

• Aw, Jim Nelson. As cute as Jann Wenner, minus the subtle hint of scary. (Click for images and scroll.) [WWD]

Paris Hilton is pretty forward with ther “naughty bits.” Yeah, like we didn’t know that one already. [Gatecrasher]

Sep 15, 2006 · Link · Respond

Uh, because the mood today isn’t weird enough, we have the details of Anna Nicole Smith’s life plastered all over the Internet.

The first item we saw today:

The second item we saw:

The details are still pretty murky, but what we do know is that Anna Nicole’s son, Daniel Smith, died on Sunday, three days after the birth of her daughter, whose name we have yet to learn. In light of the sheer tragedy and strangeness of this entire day, we just can’t find it in our hearts to make any obnoxious comments about Smith.

All we can say is that she just became a viable candidate for the next cover of Vanity Fair.

Anna Nicole Smith’s 20-year-old son dies [Jessica Robinson, AP]

Sep 11, 2006 · Link · Respond

Sure, everyone is totally excited over the first photos of Suri Cruise. We’re personally so excited that we came down with the flu! Then again, we get the distinct feeling we’ve been here before. Ah, yes. Shilioh Jolie-Pitt. It’s hard to get more excited about a baby than we were about her, the messiah of celeb children.

But when it comes to down to it, both these sets of celeb parents put their kids on mag covers. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie chose the glossy route and allowed People to slap her mug across its pages (for a heavy chunk of change which was later donated) and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went the high-end Vanity Fair route and had Annie Leibowitz snap the pics … and no money went to charity.

Both were stunts, and both pimped out the celeb babies. But we think you should decide which was a bigger baby sale: Suri on Vanity Fair or Shiloh on People?

Cast your votes for the most pimped out baby of the year, and we’ll try to run the results before Britney Spears‘ second kid lands the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Sep 6, 2006 · Link · Respond

Beyonce celebrates her birthday as any diva would, complete with a giant cake and people she doesn???t even know. [The Sun]

• We find it hard to believe that Lance Bass didn’t want to buy flowers because he’s gay. The guy selling them probably said something about pretty ladies and Lance was like, “yo, dude. Nasty.” [TMZ]

• If you’re going to try to mess somebody at the VMAs, don’t pick Russell Simmons. Especially if you’re Kimora Lee and he’s there with his ex. [R&M]

• Looks like Diddy is going have to get ready for twins. We totz think he should name them Iddy and Biddy. Then again, that might suck when they grow up. [Us]

Ludacris admits that he doesn’t actually fuck all day, fuck all night. He has to stop at some point to rap about it. [Page Six]

Sep 5, 2006 · Link · Respond