• Kim Kardashian knows you aren’t ready for this jelly.
• A nostalgic look back at a time where Paris pretended to go to jail for the sake of high fashion, belated irony.
• Gisele Bundchen says “nobody is a virgin when they get married” nowadays. Then, to prove her point, she reminded us all that she’s “single and fabulous” by banging Tom Brady and having a minor pregnancy scare.
• Petra Nemcova ruins a perfectly good upskirt moment by masterfully exiting out of an NYC taxicab. Bitch.
• Nicole Richie continues to hide her face underneath a giant, terrycloth towel. Out of shame, perhaps? No, that can’t be it…
• Justin Timberlake is apparently “in love” with Jessica Biel. Probably because she has an inordinately large ass heart.
• Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich and his wife give birth to future douche, Bryce Thadeus Ulrich-Nielsen.
• A year ago in gossip, everything was…exactly the same.
• Lindsay Lohan has announced plans to start working on new urban crap pop album.
• Model Petra Nemcova has gone from surviving a tsunami to shagging singer James Blunt and accidentally exposing her left nipple.
• Now that she’s old, and a mom, nobody wants to see Madonna make obscene gestures. Or dance around in a leotard as tight as her face. [MSNBC]
• Don’t expect this from us, but Jay Leno apologizes for offending one of his fans. What, shootings aren’t funny anymore or something? [AP]
• Run for your free Starbucks, just don’t say NYC never gave you anything. Like, more pointless lines to wait in. [NYO]
• Somebody who spells ‘don’t’ ‘do’nt’ probably doesn’t know shit. Let alone the state of Will Ferrell’s existence. Last we heard, he was in Canada, winking at stalkers. [Defamer]
• We really wish Bruce Willis was sleeping with Petra Nemcova. Maybe he wouldn’t be so cranky all the time. [Page Six]
• What is a greater Catholic sin, getting pregs before marriage or having a Scientology wedding? [R&M]