Ever heard people throw around famous directors??? names and think ???What if there was a way to make short, pithy references to their cinematic masterpieces without actually having to sit through ???Battleship Potemkin???? Fortunately, now there is! We???ve dispatched Intern Anastasia to brave the subtitles???and the pretentious clerks at Kim???s Video???so you can sound cultured at dinner parties.
Missed last Saturday???s Lindsay Lohan retrospective at BAM? Console yourself with this guide to Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (which was not included in the retrospective, though we can???t imagine why).
Anyways, COATDQ (or Confessions, as I like to call it) opens with an homage to another classic film, Breakfast at Tiffany???s. Lohan, dressed like Holly Golightly, waves goodbye to her mother and then jumps up and down, saying ???Yay! I???m free! I can live on my own in New York and do whatever I want!???
Alas, it is only a dream sequence. Lohan???s character, Lola Stepp, is actually moving with her mother and two sisters to New Jersey. ???Your parents tell you to have hopes and dreams, and then they move you to New Jersey,??? she says. Seriously guys, Lola is way too quirky-cool for this suburban New Jersey shit???she has a necklace made of bottlecaps! And she totally gets picked on in school because she???s from fancy New York City, which, in this movie, no one from New Jersey ever visits. (If only!)
Fortunately, she meets a kindred spirit in Ella, who also likes this horrible rock band called Sidarthur (and yes, that is a pun on Siddartha). And then Lola finds out the school is staging a ???hip and modern??? musical production of ???Pygmalion??? called ???Eliza Rocks!??? Of course both she and popular alpha-bitch Carla want to be Eliza. Lola sings a Sidarthur song called ???Behind Some Doors, People Are Waiting to Sparkle??? and, unbelievably, still gets the part.
We think you know what???s coming???a Dance Dance Revolution dance-off between Lola and Carla in the mall. Ella tries to stop Lola, because Carla???s the ???all-time champion,??? but Lola???s all ???there???s going to be a new all-time champion!??? She kicks Carla???s ass with some hip-hop dance moves, because she???s from New York, and they have black people there. She also finds out Carla has tickets to Sidarthur???s next show in New York, so she lies and says she???s going, too.
And oh, the hijinx that ensue as Ella and Lola try to get to the Sidarthur show. Lola steals a dress from the drama room! They leave their money on the train there, and can???t pay a scalper to get in! It rains! But the girls find the after-party, which is at a loft in Soho, ???New York???s artistic soul??? (um, no, not even in 2004, but nice try). Stu Wolff stumbles out drunk and wanders into an alleyway, so they follow him, then take him to a diner for coffee. He throws a donut at a cop???s head and they all get arrested.
Anyway, they???re released and they finally get into the party. Stu offers to get them out of their wet dresses and into some of this clothes, and then they go to his room, where they???jump up and down on his bed and air-guitar. (Why, what were you expecting?) After that, Lola tries to talk to Stu about his music, but she can???t. Why? Because, as Lindsay’s character explains, “Mr. Wolff, you???re a drunk.??? Oh, Lindsay…Where did the time go?
Then there???s Lola???s big performance in ???Eliza Rocks!???, which is possibly the best collection of song-and-dance numbers ever put to film. First, she???s a checkout girl with a Brooklyn accent, and she starts singing about ???living just enough for the cit-ay.??? That???s right, like the Stevie Wonder song. And there???s edgy graffiti in the background, and some breakdancing. It???s so gritty! It???s just like real life! And THEN she has her scene with Professor Higgins, where she learns a lot of big words???it literally says ???BIG WORDS??? on top of the stage???and she sings David Bowie???s ???Changes.??? Why David Bowie would agree to this, I have no idea. And finally there???s a totally unrelated song about being a drama queen, where Lindsay???s dressed in this bright pink outfit with faux flame streamers coming off and it hurts my eyes, and her back-up dancers have blue wigs and glittery face-makeup. It???s like a Ricky???s store exploded all over everyone.
But wait, you???re thinking, what about Lola???s rivalry with Carla? What about Stu Wolff???s alcoholism? (Are you, in fact, thinking this? Please say no). It???s all resolved in a convenient party scene at the end. Stu Wolff comes to return the TOTALLY HOT bottlecap necklace Lola left at his loft, and tells her he???s in rehab. Then, Carla falls ass-backwards into a fountain and everyone laughs except Lola, who lends her a hand (literally and figuratively!) before voice-overing, ???Here???s what I learned: when you???re happy, the whole world is New York. And dreams are important??????
Words to live by.
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