The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: All Hail the Duchess of... D-cks?!?

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey asked viewers to go back in time this week.

Granted, the series does this every week because episodes are filmed months in advance of their airing.

However, it was an especially strange installment to watch unfold on Wednesday night because it centered on Joe Giudice being taken into custody by ICE...

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... when, in real time, we know he's now living in Italy and actually just spent a few days with his family.

But back to the episode, and therefore back in time:

"Joe called me at 4:30 in the morning, and he told me he was already transferred to ICE," Teresa said during a somber confessional, adding:

"I was shocked. I was like, 'Oh my God, this is so early.'

"But they transferred Joe in the middle of the night to avoid the paparazzi. It just stings and it just hurts, 'cause you know, he did his time. He's not coming home, and I had to get the frustrations out."

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Footage then depicted Teresa trying to enjoy an early morning workout and then returning home to a call from her brother.

I definitely need a drink," she replied, before revealing that the girls were "not good" and explaining:

"Gia posted something on her Instagram. Milania's home. She's saying she's feeling sick, but I know she's sad about Joe."

This all sucks, Teresa told the camera.

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She continued along these sad lines:

"All my girls are affected by Joe not being here, but Milania shows it the most."

Teresa then  went upstairs to check on Milania, but when she knocked on her bedroom door, Milania yelled back: "Go away! Will you stop annoying me?"

"We all wanna move on with our lives and be happy again, but it's impossible because it's still hanging over our heads that Joe could be deported," Teresa explained.

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We often make fun of Teresa and Joe because they're clearly terrible people.

But it's important to remember that young women are stuck in the middle of this scandal -- and we received an unfortunate reminder last night when Teresa said her nine-year old daughter was being bullied at school over her father's situation.

From here, Joe actually called his family.

But the conversation, from the discomfort of the ICE holding facility, did not go very well.

Important Daddy-Daughter Time

"Holy shit, you have a minute left on the phone?" Gia said to her dad, as Milania yelled at her sister:

"Can I please talk to him!?" Gia gave the phone to Gabriella, who spoke for a few seconds, then handed it to Milania.

She sighed into the phone and said: "I want you to come home. I love you so much, Buddy."

Alas, as we now know, Joe never did come home. He went straight from ICE custody to Italy, where he currently resides and waits to learn about his deportation appeal.

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Elsewhere, Danielle Staub came back into the picture because Teresa asked for her to be included in a random obstacle course adventure for the group, organized by Dolores Catania.

This storyline came out of nowhere, but at least prompted Margaret Josephs to wonder how Danielle could possibly complete an obstacle course.

"Her pussy ring could get caught!" she noted.

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Fast forward to things getting very complicated and Margaret going to her girlfriend's boutique to shop for an outfit for Melissa's birthday party.

Gina, the boutique owner, was dating Danielle's now-ex-fiancé -- Olivier Maier, a businessman who she claimed was also the Duke of Provence -- when he proposed to Danielle back in February, one week after she finalized her divorce from Marty Caffrey.

Got all that?

Margaret then referred to Danielle as "the Duchess of Dicks" and told the camera:

"Olivier is a very rich guy, and when Danielle smells money, she doesn't care whose dick she has to suck to get to it."

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Gina told Margaret she was still healing from the betrayal of a once-boyfriend and a former friend.

The women agreed Danielle was "pure evil," with Margaret saying that "everybody's onto her except Teresa."

Just amazing all around.

In the end, Teresa and Danielle actually won the obstacle course... and then everyone headed to Dolores' house for lunch.

Cue the fireworks!

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Teresa got all pissed off during the meal over Jackie saying that she had cheated on her husband.

Melissa therefore asked her sister-in-law if she'd be able to control herself around Jackie at her 40th birthday, but Teresa couldn't make that promise.

"She's said a lot of f-cked up shit to me," she said, as Staub laughed and noted that this was "another party I'm not invited to," referring to Jennifer's husband's work party.

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Jennifer explained why she couldn't have someone who's able to "flip the switch" so easily involved with her husband's profession, prompting these two got into it, which is when Margaret stepped in and brought up her friend, Gina.

"You're the one that after four years of having an affair with Joe, you decide to dignify Jan with a divorce!" Danielle shouted at Margaret, who clapped back:

"It wasn't four years. By the way, I have an ex-husband that adores me, my current husband adores me. That's a lot more than you could say for yourself."

"It was still cheating!" Danielle said. Margaret replied by calling Danielle a "prostitute."

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And we'll wrap up the chaos with this exchange:

"You f-cked a lot more married men than I have," Margaret added, causing Danielle to stand up and announce she was "leaving because I'm not gonna sit here with trash." 

She referred to Margaret as  "homewrecker, f-cking piece of shit," concluding:

You talk about me like that? You're a sick f--king human being! F--king whore!

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