When word got out that Lindsay Lohan would be starring in her own MTV reality show, there was a tremendous amount of excitement among fans of the thrash-tastic celebrity drama that made the early-2000s such a glorious time to be a gossip fiend.
Unfortunately, it seems Lindsay is aware that the public is still mildly interested in her, but she has zero understanding of why that is.
Viewers tuned into Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club (though probably not many, as the show was released with little fanfare) hoping for a glimpse of the Old Lindsay — and they were sorely disappointed.
That’s not to say anyone wants her off the wagon and plowing her Bentley into baby strollers on Rodeo Drive.
We’re happy that Lindsay is (reportedly) sober and focusing on her mental health and her business ventures these days,
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And for the sake of Angeleno infants, we’re also happy that she’s residing far, far away on the Greek island of Mykonos.
But what we don’t want is to laugh bland, laughably phony iteration of Lindsay as she hand waves her many past indiscretions and attempts to reinvent herself as Lisa Vanderpump.
For one thing, LVP is 58 years old and spent decades making a name for herself as a top restaurateur before Bravo fame came calling.
Lindsay Lohan is 32, and she’s spent most of her life as the human embodiment of a cautionary tale about the dangers of unchecked privilege.
The hip, "young" SUR employees on Vanderpump Rules (the obvious inspiration for Beach Club) are older than Lindsay, so it’s anyone’s guess as to why the producers of Lohan’s new show cast her as the "boss bitch" matriarch who chastises her twentysomething employees for the bad behavior that provides the show with its only mildly amusing scenes.
Even the ridiculous premise that Lindsay Lohan is some widely-respected mogul of the Aegean might have worked if the faded starlet (always shot in extreme soft-focus) were willing to lock horns with her unruly staff.
But she has a lackey to take care of such unpleasantness.
Lindsay simply offers clumsy commentary after the confrontation, like the world’s most inarticulate Greek chorus.
As for the staff themselves, what’s to say?
It’s Real World: Mykonos with occasional Lindsay cameos that add exactly nothing to the proceedings.
In the opener, a male staff member is applauded for hooking up with a wealthy female customer at Lindsay’s establishment, because apparently in Mykonos (or in Lindsay’s mind) the line between beach club and brothel is a very blurry one.
Lindsay’s sidekick then turns his attention to two of the show’s few women of color.
He forces one to dye her hair because her current shade makes her look too much like the club’s resident DJ.
The other, he chastises for ordering drinks with customers (which is exactly what the staff had been instructed to do), all while the leering fool who banged the female customer looks on and gloats.
So yeah, Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club is both boring and problematic.
Sort of reminds of a certain redheaded celeb toward the end of her debauched Hollywood heyday.
Here’s hoping Beach Club will be just as short-lived as Lindsay’s film career.