Forget about whether or not Donald Trump really banged Stormy Daniels - a new mystery now has the entire internet donning Sherlock Holmes caps and doing some serious sleuthing in hopes of answering what might be the most important question of this century ... nay, of all time!
We're talking, of course, about the mystery of who TF bit Beyonce:
Yes, somebody put the very flesh of Queen Bey's face between their teeth and applied pressure.
News of this affront to all that is good and holy comes to us from the always fabulous Tiffany Haddish.
Haddish first hinted at Beyonce being mistreated at her own party back in February.
In a piece published by GQ today, the actress finally shared the shocking details of the evening:
“There was this actress there,” said Haddish, “that’s just, like, doing the mostest.”
“She bit Beyonce in the face.”
Reached for comment by the magazine a spokesperson for Bey stated, “I absolutely cannot comment on any of this, as I have no knowledge."
But Haddish can and did comment, adding:
“So Beyonce stormed away, went up to Jay-Z, and was like, ‘Jay! Come here! This b-tch—’ and snatched him. They went to the back of the room.
"I was like, ‘What just happened?’ And Beyoncé’s friend walked up and was like, ‘Can you believe this bitch just bit Beyoncé?’
"Near the end of the party,” said Haddish. “Beyoncé’s at the bar, so I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’
"I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that. That bitch is on drugs. She not even drunk. The bitch is on drugs. She not like that all the time. Just chill.’”
And just like that, Tiffany left the entire world hanging.
She didn't even drop us a clue as to the identity of the strung-out garbage human that laid teeth on Bey.
Naturally, certain A-listers have able to piece the situation together based on insider knowledge, but for now, at least, none of them is talking, either:
“I can only think of one person who would do this. but I cannot say. but she …. is the worst,” tweeted Chrissy Teigen.
It seems Chrissy later had her hunch confirmed, but she's not spilling the tea for us plebes:
"I AM NEVER TELLING I’m scared I’ve said too much KNOWLEDGE IS A CURSE!" she added.
So Chrissy knows, but it looks as though she'll never tell.
Sadly, the identity of the biter may remain a mystery, as several hours of deep-digging have unearthed a few dubious leads, but no definitive answers.
According to the folks at Vulture, actresses who were at the party who may have bit Beyonce while suffering from an old-fashioned bath salts freakout include:
Sara Foster, Sanaa Lathan, and - believe it or not - Jennifer Lawrence.
(Queen Latifah and Rihanna were on hand, too, but ... c'mon.)
Foster has already addressed the scandal on social media, joking, "I wish I could get close enough to Beyonce to bite her."
Lawrence has been known to engage in some wild behavior and petty feuds, but face-biting seems a bit far for her.
(Unless it was one of those J-Law "Hey, everybody! Look at how quirky and funny I am!" moments, in which case, yes, we could fully imagine Lawrence biting Beyonce's face.)
That leaves Sanaa Lathan, whom we admittedly don't know much about, but who could have a possible motive.
As Jay Z obsessives know, the rapper dropped the line "flyer than Sanaa Lathan" on his classic Black Album.
Did he hook up with Lathan? Did she want to, but it never happened? Is she bitter about winding up with a D-lister like French Montana instead?
Frankly, we have no idea, but since this is a gossip blog and not a court of law, we're gonna go ahead and say it:
Sanaa Lathan bit Beyonce on the face, y'all!
(Note to Lathan's lawyers: We're joking; please don't sue us.)