Look, we understand that headline's not gonna please anyone.
Either you're a dyed-in-the-wool #MAGA ass and you came here just to deride us as a bunch of libtard cuck-flakes in the comments, or you're part of the majority of Americans who wishes the president would stop tweeting entirely, in which case, you probably think we didn't go nearly far enough.
But hey, our New Year's resolution is to piss off as many people as many people as possible, and we decided to get an early start!
We kid, of course.
Resolving to offend people in 2018 is like resolving to breathe in and out. It's gonna happen no matter what, and it doesn't require any active effort.
For evidence of just how easy it is to piss off tens of millions of people these days, you need look no further than the tweets of America's P-ssy-Grabber-In-Chief, Captain Offensive Pants.
No doubt still clad in a Trump Hotel bathrobe, the president frequently outrages half the planet before he's even dropped his morning Big Mac deuce.
While our more heathen-y presidents may have taken the holidays off in order to drink Starbucks and slaughter a virgin, the Trump Train kept right on rolling!
By which we mean the 71-year-old leader of the free world spent the season of peace talking enough trash on social media to shame a recently-dumped middle school girl or a butthurt Star Wars fan.
And who were the Donald's targets this time around?
Well, there was Vanity Fair, which committed the grievous offense of cracking jokes about a woman Donald once threatened to imprison, and then there was planet Earth, which has apparently pissed Trump off by continuing to exist despite his apocalyptic environmental policies.
First, some context:
In case you haven't heard, it's effing cold in the northeast. Like, even by "winter in the northeast" standards.
Someone told this to Donald, and his response was apparently to crack his knuckles and start sticking it to the libs:
"In the East, it could be the COLDEST New Year’s Eve on record. Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming that our Country, but not other countries, was going to pay TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS to protect against. Bundle up!"
Now, hopefully, we don't have to tell you that's a dumb thing to say or point out that weather and climate are not the same thing.
A cold day isn't an indication that the planet is stable anymore than a single hot day is evidence that it's heating up.
The world's scientists are concerned due to data collected over several decades which indicates a disturbing trend toward hotter ... ya know what? Let's just move on to less-terrifying idiocy...
As you may have heard, there was controversy this week over a video posted by Vanity Fair, in which several staffers expressed their 100 percent-justified belief that Hillary Clinton should probably step away from the political arena for the foreseeable future.
The situation outraged the president, not because of the content of the clip, but because VF dared to issue an apology for the sake of those who found the video offensive.
"Vanity Fair, which looks like it is on its last legs, is bending over backwards in apologizing for the minor hit they took at Crooked H. Anna Wintour, who was all set to be Amb to Court of St James’s & a big fundraiser for CH, is beside herself in grief & begging for forgiveness!" Trump tweeted.
Never mind that our commander-in-chief is still devoting his days to picking petty fights with various media outlets, Anna Wintour is the editor of Vogue, not Vanity Fair.
Sure, they both star with "V," but if we Donald off easy on this one, next week he'll be referring to Justin Trudeau as the prime minister of Cambodia.
Needless to say, Trump was roasted to a crisp over both tweets, but sadly seeing our president get savagely corn-cobbed by the entirety of Twitter is one of the many things we've been forced to get used to in 2017.
Cheers to the new year!
*guzzles large quantity of Drano*