Okay, before you get too upset and try to get the president on the phone only to get stuck listening to Steve Bannon's drunken ramblings about the deconstruction of the administrative state, let us clarify one very important thing:
Katy Perry is not in any sort of danger.
And Ryan Phillippe is not guilty of any serious crimes that we're aware.
(As far as we know, starring in the movie Antitrust is not a punishable offense ... yet.)
So then why is it that we're talking about Perry being chained to Phillippe's water heater?
Well, it all started with the folks at Hollywood Life and one of their breathless, all-caps EXCLUSIVES.
The site reported that Katy and Ryan were spotted flirting at Elton John's birthday party last month.
That led to rumors that they were a full-blown couple.
And those rumors led to this tweet from Ryan:
“I am not dating katy perry. Barely know her. Please stop flying helicopters over my hosue. She is not here. Thx.”
One commenter pointed out what we were all thinking, writing:
“That’s what some1 who has Katy Perry in his basement would say.”
Katy saw the exchange responded thusly:
Dammit, now we wish they were dating!
Sadly, Katy went on to make it perfectly clear that far from being a couple, she and Ryan have scarcely met:
"Hi, nice to meet you, sorry bout that @RyanPhillippe carry on, lol," she tweeted at the actor.
There's been no real update on Katy's love life since reps announced back on March 1 that Perry and Orlando Bloom have broken up.
Oh, we learned last week that she's taken the occasional dip in the lady pond, but we sort of assumed that, what with the lyrics about the cherry Chapstick and whatnot.
As for Phillippe, well, he was engaged to Paulina Slagter, but that appears to be ... over?
Frankly, we have no idea.
But be honest, it wasn't the Ryan Phillippe part of the headline that brought you here in the first place, right?
You can now rest easy knowing that Katy Perry is not locked up in the man's basement, which means there's no reason to send SEAL Team 6 to Phillippe's house ... yet.