The third time’s the charm for Tamra Barney! She has the groom. She has the bling. And if the ladies have anything to do with it, she’ll have the dress, too.
And Vicki will get some shocking news about Brooks thanks to Lauri, who went away to marry George but has come back again to start trouble because apparently her new life was boring.
Let’s catch up with them now with our THG +/- recap!
Tamra meets Eddie at what will eventually, hopefully, maybe be their fitness studio. He’s set up a candlelight dinner on a card table. How romantic! Plus 8.
They were supposed to be open weeks ago and there’s still no floor.
Eddie’s so not interested in hearing Tamra talk about her Spanx. So not. Fake it, Eddie. Fake it. He asks about the Alexis-Gretchen drama and about Gretchen backing out of dress shopping and says that Gretchen’s being childish.
Really, Gretchen’s just being a friend and knows that if she goes she might fight with Alexis and doesn’t want that for Tamra. Plus 3.
Heather has another table read! She’s going to read for a guest starring role on Malibu Country. Terry was excited when he heard this time and didn’t crack a joke! Hooray, Terry! You really can teach an old dog new tricks! Plus 5.
Lauri and Vicki show up at Tamra’s and they’ve brought coffee. Lauri thinks it’s funny that Tamra’s getting married for a third time when Tamra cracked jokes about Lauri’s third wedding.
Tamra’s previous wedding dresses were maternity dresses. The fact that this one isn’t is a big deal. Plus 8.
Lydia believes that “marriage is forever” and says that about Tamra’s pending wedding to Eddie. Except this is Tamra’s third wedding. This one will totally stick!
The ladies in the limo discuss Cheeseburger-gate and Slade. Lydia’s not a fan of him at all and calls him a 12-year-old tool. Eh, Plus 12.
Gretchen wears her engagement ring from Jeff and Lydia sees it immediately upon Gretchen getting into the limo. Vicki thinks it’s Gretchen’s way of upstaging Tamra. It’s a ring, Vicki. That’s it.
Heather and Alexis are at the bridal store when the limo arrives. They’re more than just cordial. They’re nearly chipper. Plus 3
Tamra wants to plan her wedding around the dress. The men helping her try on dresses have nothing but dollar signs in their eyes.
Gretchen’s kind of stand-offish because she doesn’t want a repeat of the ladies’ night at the gym to happen in the bridal shop. She’s the only one who seems to be thinking about that.
Heather pops the cork on a bottle of champs and Tamra comes out in the first dress. While she’s changing into the second one, Vicki tells Alexis that Gretchen wasn’t coming at first because Alexis was coming. Minus 12.
Tamra stood up for Alexis, though, so Alexis plans to thank Tamra for that. She’s so done with Gretchen. So done.
Alexis follows Tamra into the dressing room so she can thank her for the invitation. Tamra says that she wanted Alexis there and so she was there.
Then in an interview, Alexis delivers the best line of the night. About Gretchen: “When it comes to Gretchen and I, I just wish sometimes Gretchen would eat some of her own makeup so she could become pretty on the inside again.”
After Alexis leaves, Lauri says it might be Gretchen next time and Lydia says it might be Vicki. Vicki says it won’t be her. She and Brooks went to dinner and ended everything.
His love language is quality time and Vicki can’t give him that since he’s not welcome in her home while Briana and Troy are living there.
Lauri says Briana and Michael must have an intuition kicking in and she wants to talk to Vicki at some point. And then she just launches into the information she has about Brooks. Minus 26.
He’s dating Lauri’s daughter’s friend. Where dating means probably having sex. With a 21 year old.
A 21 year old is probably having sex with Brooks.
All the bleach in the entire United States isn’t enough to purge the image of Brooks having sex with anyone from my brain. But a 21 year old?? Minus 75.
I have a major case of the heebie jeebies right now. And the dry heaves.
Lauri doesn’t have any concrete evidence about the probably sex. She just knows he met the girl at a poker party and he was throwing Benjamins at her. Probably Vicki’s Benjamins. Minus 14.
Vicki’s kind of devastated because she still has feelings for Brooks. (Why? He’s a disgusting leech! Who probably had sex with someone his daughter’s age!)
The girl Brooks has probably had sex with has made porn videos before. And Lydia says that talking about this feels extra dirty because they’re in a room surrounded by white wedding gowns.
Gretchen’s come to life now that Vicki’s been knocked down a peg and Alexis has left. When Tamra comes out in The Dress, they all start to cry a little. Heather makes a toast.
Tamra says the dress costs $10,000. Yes, 4 zeroes. This one better be worth it.
Tamra wants to take a picture of herself and the ladies, and Vicki has to walk away and cry for a minute. She can’t get herself together.
Lydia and Lauri go to console her and Lauri says she feels like she’s always the messenger. Well, Lauri, that’s because so far you are. Minus 8.
After shopping, the ladies head to dinner. Tamra finds out that Brooks broke up with Vicki. Then Lauri fills her in on the probably sex Brooks probably had with an under 21 year old girl.
Heather asks if Vicki really needed to know the information. Lauri would want to know. Lydia says she would want to know. Heather wouldn’t want to know. Vicki comes back to the table and they order tequila. Plus 9.
After a visit from the chefs, Heather tells the ladies about her possible recurring guest-starring role on Malibu Country and Lydia says she’s gone from “Fancy Pants” to “Fancy Outfit.”
Gretchen told Tamra that she had been offered a spot on Malibu Country and Heather says that the casting director denied ever offering Gretchen anything of the sort. Oops?
Tamra’s pissed about catching Gretchen in this lie. Heather says there’s a chance she’s colossally confused, but Vicki calls her a liar about half a dozen times.
Lydia feels squicky talking about Gretchen when Gretchen isn’t there and Lauri feels like this is a giant case of pot meeting kettle for Vicki given all the lies she’s told.
Tamra’s also upset that she opened up to Gretchen about her life and now Gretchen’s lying to her. Bad form, Gretchen. Bad form.
EPISODE TOTAL: -87 SEASON TOTAL: -190