Viva Barcelona! Desiree and the men are in Spain, where there’s sure to be a whole lot of bull, if you know what we mean.
Will Drew and Kasey’s plan cause Desiree to send James home? Or will they find themselves rose-less?
You can just go read The Bachelorette spoilers or play along with our THG +/- review system!
Desiree Hartsock loves everything about Barcelona, especially the churches, and says it’s the perfect place to fall in love. She’s hopeful that she’ll fall “completely,” which is better than halfway?
Fresh off of helping Ben get ousted, Michael has jumped on the Anti-James Train. It’s pretty ridiculous. Minus 5.
Drew gets the first solo date card, his first solo date with Desiree. He doesn’t plan to address the situation with James unless there’s time for it. Something tells me there will be time for it.
Desiree says that her relationship with Drew has moved more slowly but they’re friends, which is a great basis for a relationship. He jumps right into kissing her and gets that out of the way probably in hopes of keeping himself out of the dreaded Friend Zone. And then he just keeps kissing her every chance he gets because he’s so “crazy” about her.
Drew’s hero is his dad who is a recovered alcoholic. He gets a little teary when he tells her about his dad and she gets goosebumps hearing the story. Plus 4.
Desiree says she just trusts Drew. But he hasn’t tattled on James yet, so there’s that.
At dinner, she thanks him for opening up to her and he says he’s overcome with emotions which are running crazy. He ushers her away from the dinner table and they try to outrun the cameras for a heated make-out session against a wall in an alley. Plus 40 because HOT.
Desiree calls Drew strong and emotional and says he has many of the qualities she’s looking for and then gives him a rose. And then he ruins the moment by telling her about James. Minus 40 because buzzkill.
The next day, Drew fills Kasey and Michael in on his conversation with Desiree. Kasey is worried about balancing his feelings for Desiree with what he knows about James. Michael’s worried about his sweatband but has a list of questions ready for cross-examination, I’m sure.
Juan Pablo is in his element on the group date, which is a soccer match against one of Spain’s womens’ teams.
The guys seem to think they’ll have this game in the bag and completely discount the girls’ ability to play soccer. The trash talking is ridiculous. But not as ridiculous as James “playing” goalie.
Dear James, GOALIE. Not GOALPOST. Don’t just stand there! MOVE. Minus 8
At the group date cocktail party, Kasey’s ready to confront James. All the guys are ready to confront James. Except Chris who goes with Desiree to her room where she tells him how athletic he is and then reads him a poem she wrote. Barf. Minus 2.
Chris and Des apparently have their own love scale.
Kasey and Michael decide to confront James while Des spends time with Juan Pablo. They ambush him and ask him about his statements that if he made the final four, he could become the next bachelor.
He’s shocked. Either because they think he said this or because they know he said it.
While that’s happening, Brooks and Des talk about how they’re emotionally invested and in a good space. He’s glad he’s not downstairs for the conversation with James. Since part of me is Team Brooks, I’m also glad he’s not downstairs. Plus 7
Michael jumps into Attorney Mode and James starts yelling. Chris tries to shush them and it doesn’t work. James starts wagging his finger around and denies what Kasey and Drew heard. Vehemently denies. Minus 5
Michael says he sounds like he’s auditioning for the Jersey Shore. James leaves the room.
Desiree asks James to stay behind and talk to her and tells all of the guys that she’s not handing out a rose to anyone but she’ll walk them out. Plus 3 for being a good hostess.
She feels “blindsided” and decides to grab the bull by his horns to get her answers. He tries to interrupt and she just keeps talking. He tries to put everything on Mikey T.
He puts everything on the guys and says they’re only trying to ruin what he and Desiree has because they’re jealous of his connection with her.
He starts to cry. She starts to cry. He says it’s tough. She says it’s tough.
She needs the night to process and he’s emotionally exhausted. And now I’m exhausted watching the faux-drama unfold. Minus 10.
Michael’s still wearing his Attorney cape while they sit around talking about James as James is riding up in the elevator. They didn’t expect him to walk back in the door.
The next morning, James is sitting on the roof all by himself and Zak is preparing himself for his one-on-one date with Desiree. She’s feeling depressed, which means Zak is the perfect guy to go on a date with today. He’s always happy. Plus 10.
They’re going to spend the day doing “artistic” things. So descriptive.
They take a sketch class and end up drawing each other. He apparently studied at the Picasso school of Des drawings but it makes her laugh. Plus 12.
Their second model is male. And nude. And Des says “I feel like I do heads bigger than they’re supposed to be.” And THAT is the line of the night. Plus 15.
And let’s go ahead and give Zak another Plus 25 for those excellent faces when the model dropped trou.
He gets another plus 20 for dropping his OWN trou to make her laugh even more.
Zak and Des eat dinner in a cave. It’s actually a wine cellar, but it’s also kind of a cave.
He wants a relationship just like his parents have. They’ve been married for over 30 years. But he also wants to continue to experience adventures. He believes his need to explore is why he’s still single.
His joy and infectious spirit gets him the date rose. Plus 4.
They make out in the pathway that leads back out of the cave.
Back at the suite, James asks to speak to Drew. James keeps saying that what he said was that if he made it to the top four and Des cuts him, the worst thing that could happen to him would be that he becomes the next bachelor.
Uhhh, James? I’d say the worst thing that could happen to you is that you go home and continue to live a life of obscurity and no one ever knows you were ever on this silly show, but hey, I understand words and apparently you don’t.
Drew tells him that even having that thought means that he’s not really here for Des, and while I don’t necessarily agree with Drew, I don’t think James is really here for Des. So.
All of the guys except James are sitting around chatting and James walks in. He sits next between Juan Pablo and Michael on the couch and Michael bristles. Brooks scoots over to give Michael a little more room. Minus 5
Des shows up and takes James out to finish their chat from the night of the group date. She believes she needs to send him home but also believes they had something and needs to talk to him about it.
Go with your gut, Des. Go with your gut.
He talks non-stop for what feels like an eternity and says she’s beautiful and he’s there to fall in love with her and all she hears is everything he’s had an entire day to rehearse.
He says this has been hard and he feels more alive than he has and she starts to cry. He does the man thing and says “please don’t cry.” BECAUSE THAT WORKS, DUDE. Minus 8
They start to laugh and she leans into him and they’re sort of snuggling and all the wind is sucked out of Drew’s sails as he sees it.
Chris asks James what he and Des talked about like he doesn’t already know. James laughs and says “exactly the situation that occurred.” Except, you know, probably not exactly.
Chris is not happy at all. Not at all.
You know the two coming out of this smelling like, uh, roses? Juan Pablo and Zak. The two of them have said nada about this entire situation. Plus 9.
Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Finally. No cocktail party. Just straight to the good part.
Zak and Drew both received roses on their one-on-one dates. Joining them to continue on to the next leg of this journey are:
And with that, Kasey, Juan Pablo, and James head back to reality. Juan Pablo thought he and Des had a connection and he’s sad. There are legitimate tears. Drew and Michael are more excited about the fact that James is gone than they are anything else and Michael actually says “case dismissed.”
Michael, Des? Really? Weird.
EPISODE TOTAL: +66! SEASON TOTAL: +326!