The Real Housewives of New Jersey opens with its first of three "Reunion" shows and Andy needs a whip and a chair to keep these women from tearing one another apart. We'll recap how the claws come out in our THG +/- review.
The Housewives haven't been in the same room together since the fateful night before last year's reunion when the Posche fashion show episode was filmed.
Since then Teresa has sold yet another cookbook. That's three so far and they are all New York Times best sellers. Minus 10. Who are you people buying these things and why?
Caroline is writing her own book. Minus 9. Just what the world needs, another book from a supposed real housewife.
Kathy's had some work done. Nose job and lip injections. I'll give her a plus 5. She looks good but I'm with Andy on the flashing yellow light. It's too easy to take these things too far. She needs to stop now.
Unfortunately Jacqueline's news isn't so cheery. Her beautiful son Nicholas has been diagnosed with autism and at the moment he's regressing and no longer speaking.
It's absolutely heartbreaking and brought me to tears…until Teresa opened her big mouth. Minus 13.
Teresa simply doesn't know when to stay quiet. I almost couldn't blame Caroline when she told her "Listen, you in your f*ckin' Christmas pageant dress, sit back and shut the f*ck up. We're talking about this kid."
And I have to agree. The strange, sparkly green dress was outlandish. Minus 8.
Everyone at this reunion has had enough of Teresa and they all tell her so but watching Jacqueline finally take the blinders off is the most satisfying. Plus 11.
Jacqueline was Teresa's lap dog for so long that it's great to see her stand up for herself. It only took Teresa blaming Jacqueline for setting up Melissa. Unbelievable! Teresa takes no responsibility for anything and blames the stripper debacle on everyone else.
Whenever Teresa doesn't like what someone else is saying, which is pretty much whenever they open their mouths, she calls them a liar and tells them to shut up. This prompts Caroline to say that if no one can speak she'd like to go home. She's hungry. Hilarious. Plus 10.
Then Lauren joins them looking like a walking ad for the Lap Band. She's lost 35 lbs and is looking good. Plus 7. She looks so good that I wonder if she's gone to Kathy's guy to have a little work done on her face as well. Perhaps it's just the weight loss and better makeup. Hard to tell.
Teresa Giudice says she's apologized to them all…in In Touch magazine. But to their faces she calls them names. She calls Caroline an old hag and says Kathy is Caroline's puppet.
But even Melissa seems to be old news to Teresa as her main focus is on fighting Jacqueline. Jacqueline admits that Teresa didn't want Melissa and Kathy on the show. Jacqueline even claims that Teresa prodded her to leak the information about Melissa's supposed stripper days.
Teresa calls her a liar and swears she never said Melissa was a stripper when we've all seen her say it on camera more than once. Minus 15.
It seems the best Teresa has for Melissa tonight is to accuse her of wearing the same eye shadow Teresa wore last year because of course Teresa cornered the market on sparkle shadow. Minus 10. Yes, Teresa, millions of women out there are copying you, not just your sister-in-law.
But once Teresa and Kathy turn on one another things get down and dirty between the cousins. Teresa says her mother told her that Kathy almost divorced Richie causing Kathy to call Teresa's mother a liar and her father a coward. Minus 12. Ladies, can we keep the parents out of this?
Apparently not. Teresa bad mouths Kathy's deceased father. Little does she realize that Rosie's back stage and now wants her dead.
Is Rosie lost, running around back stage? Is she so enraged she doesn't know where she's going? I'm sure no good comes of this but to find out we'll have to tune back in next week for part two.
EPISODE TOTAL: -44! SEASON TOTAL: -482!