Jenelle Evans, Leah Messer, Kailyn Lowry and Chelsea Houska reunited last night in part one of the MTV reality show's time-honored "checkup" with Dr. Drew Pinsky.
The reunion show rehashes where they are at "this moment" in their lives ... this moment being at LEAST nine months ago, or about five years in Teen Mom 2 land.
Leah was not engaged to Jeremy Calvert and getting jumped by female hooligans, Jenelle was facing jail for the first time (how quaint) ... this is all ancient history.
Still, there was plenty of drama to be revealed ...
Jenelle Evans was, at least at the time this was taped, a few months after the Teen Mom 2 season finale, back together with bum boyfriend Kieffer Delp. Minus 20.
She also relapsed and failed a drug test. Minus 50.
Dr. Drew: "You're on probation, smoking pot, hanging out with a guy you filed domestic violence charges against. Tell me where you're better?!" PWNED. Plus 25.
On the bright side, Jenelle has a "set schedule," has been attending school and isn't arguing (as much) with her mom, Barbara. In relative terms, of course. Plus 5.
Barbara in the houuuuuse! Plus 10.
Babs agrees that she and her daughter are "a lot better" since Jenelle's stepfather "moved out with a Hooters waitress!" Plus 5 for her cackling as she says this.
Asked to sum up North Carolina's favorite hoodie-wearing hobo, Babs said simply of Kieffer Delp, "He's so no good." Eloquent, Babs. Eloquent. Plus 10.Drew prompted the Evans' to name the things they like about each other. There were actually "awwws" from the audience as they finished the task! Plus 25.
Next up is Kailyn Lowry ... and Jo Rivera, and boyfriend Jordan! Uh oh. Plus 15.
"Honestly I've treated him pretty bad," Kailyn admitted tearfully about her one-night stand with Jo, insisting she "only cheated on Jordan once." Yeah. Minus 15.
Jo doesn't want to "try to force a relationship" with Kailyn, who wants to be with Jordan. "It should be a mutual agreement if we break up." Wait, what? Minus 10.
"You don't know how hard it is to be a Teen Mom," she cries, plugging an MTV brand (Plus 15). "It hurts me that I'm hurting you." Wait, what? Minus 30.
Jordan points out that they can't break up, because they are not a couple ... at which point Kailyn dramatically storms off the stage. Nice, Kails. Plus 20.
After she came back, Kailyn's IUD was discussed. Oye. Minus 5.
It's great at preventing pregnancy. Chlamydia, not so much, even if you have sex in the shower. Wait, WHAT?! Plus 40 for that one we never saw coming.
Jordan and Kailyn revealed they'd both been tested and treated. Plus 10.
Then the light bulb went off and Jo realized he was being thrown under the bus. "Wait, did you just blame me for giving you STDs?" Oh yes. Plus 15.
"How do I know you're not having sex with someone else?" he responded. Fair point, but dude, you're the one with groupies ... who need to get tested. Minus 40.
EPISODE TOTAL: +10! SEASON TOTAL: +58!