Jersey Shore Season 3 Premiere Recap: Comin' at You Like a Squirrel Monkey!

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"I'm just so excited to get back into my house, pop some bottles and hook up with my roommates." - Snooki

With those words, a new season of MTV's guiltiest, most unsanitary pleasure is upon us. We are back in Seaside Heights, N.J., and it feels like we never left.

As always, THG breaks down all the best Jersey Shore quotes and scenes from last night's installment of the "reality" show in its patented +/- recap below:


We know, Sitch. We totally know.

Plus 50 for Deena Nicole Cortese's first 15 minutes at the house, shown above.

Why bother pretending these are normal people, though? Minus 9 for Snook briefing Deena on the roommates, like she hasn't seen every freaking episode.

Sammi on Deena: "I thought she was gonna be hot. I'm all taken aback." Girl, she's friends with Snooki. No offense, but come on. Minus 3 for cluelessness.

JWoww shares a tense goodbye with boyfriend Tom. Bet the lawsuit over those JWoww nude photos only made things more awkward months later. Minus 7.

Snooki is pissed to see Vinny and Deena flirting. Especially after he boned Ryder last season. Hey, the human vibrator's gonna do who it's gonna do. Plus 4.

The boys make fun of Vinny for bringing a shower caddy. Deservedly. Minus 5.

Flip Cup Action

A nice guy-girl flip cup showdown to start off the night.

These idiots get paid tens of thousands of dollars to play flip cup. Plus 9.

Stunningly, Ronnie and Sammi choose to isolate themselves in their bedroom. Even more shockingly, she actually brings up THE NOTE again. Minus 27.

Sammi on Deena: "A walking holiday? What does that mean? Are you gonna give out candy? Like I don't get it." Of course not, joyless b!tch. Minus 6.

Vinny to Snooki, in a moving, heartfelt hot tub confessional: "I want to hook up with you but I can't ... I don't want to hurt you because I care about you too much." JWoww to Vin: "Stick it in one of the jet holes and go to bed." Plus 8.

Sammi Sweetheart Pic

Save it, Sammi. Nice dress, though ...

Sammi Sweetheart gives one a new appreciation for the remote's MUTE button. Minus 14. Talk about raw pain. She and Ron totally deserve one another.

Quote of the night from the great Snooki: "Even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a sh!t ... I will f*%kin' attack you like a squirrel monkey." Plus 9.

Tensions boil over. Deena starts laying into Sammi, who mocks her as they both start waving their arms around like banshees and IT IS ON! Plus 16.

As usual, Pauly D and The Situation watch the girls' fight from the sidelines. Plus 5, because that's as good as entertainment gets, and it's all FREE!

TOTAL: +30. 

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