The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Totally Trashed!

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It was a week of trashy vignettes on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. From ruinous songs to furniture to marriages, our intern has sucked it up and reviewed the latest installment of this Bravo trainwreck. Enjoy...

Simply put, the ladies were a mess this week.  Except Sheree, who was MIA.

Kandi is now looking to produce openly gay Lawrence, Sheree's hair stylist, and turn him into the next generation's RuPaul.  It seems the lady boy has a set of pipes on him that rivals Cristina Aquilera's.  Kandi's even written a little ditty called "Closet Freak" especially for this crooner. Kim is none too happy that Kandi's attention has waned from her screeching cat vocals.

NeNe hopes 50-year-old Peter will inspire Bryson to actually get a job.  She sets up a meeting between the two in which she hopes 50-year-old Peter will teach lazy ass Bryson all about club promotions.

Cynthia meets up with her daughter Noelle's baby daddy.  It's Leon, the guy who played Madonna's lover priest in "Like A Prayer!"  Leon gives Cynthia advice on how NOT to get cold feet about her inevitable marriage to 50-year-old Peter.  Odd as it may seem to be getting advice from Leon, Cynthia trusts his judgment, but still wonders: if she could break up with her soul mate, what chance does 50-year-old Peter have?

Kim and Kandi work on the new track "The Ring Don't Mean A Thing.  Kim complains that she needs curtains and that the notes are too high. Um, no, you need curtains to hide the fact that you can't sing.  Kandi tells Kim to get vocal lessons.  No duh.

Phaedra has a meeting with Latavia Roberson, ex-member of Destiny's Child. Latavia was apparently kicked out of Destiny's Child when Beyonce came on board and, soon after, Latavia developed a major drinking problem, got arrested and charged with DUI and served time in prison.  Phaedra sees dollar signs in Latavia's devastating story and wants to produce a one woman show.  After all, Phaedra's got the Midas touch.

Kim and Nene get together over Patron margaritas and swampy nachos and bitch about Big Poppa and Gregg.  Nene points out that she's a married woman and Kim's a mistress. Therefore, this is NOT a tale of two cities.  However, Kim just continues to blather on about men being controlling a-holes and, hey, Nene, will you listen to my new song and agree with me on how much it sucks? 

Nene has no time for this foolishness in the midst of her marital breakdown, but there she is in the car ripping into "The Ring Don't Mean A Thing."

Preparing dinner in their kitchen, Cynthia reassures 50-year-old Peter that she'll go through with the marriage, but she wants a ring.

Kim realizes she owes too much in storage fees to house all the tacky junk she's bought over the years with Big Poppa's money.  Hurting for cash, she decides to have a yard/parking lot sale on the side of a major highway.  

Kim's dad helps her with the sale and promptly begins to undersell everything.  Nene stops by and needs a bed for her 80-year-old aunt and dad offers to sell her Kim's for $1,800.  Sold!  Kim has a conniption because she paid $20,000 for the set, so she drowns her sorrows in a travel mug full of wine.

Phaedra also stops by and turns up her nose at Kim's "estate" sale.  The ladies go to lunch, where once again the topic of Phaedra's pregnancy and her lack of mathematical skills rears their ugly head.  Phaedra claims labor will be induced at seven months.  She also doesn't want to be screaming like a wolf and pooping on the table when the baby arrives.  Nene flips out (again) and wants Phaedra to shut up before people realize how crazy she is.  Why the lack of math skills?  Whose baby is this?  Was Apollo in prison at the time Phaedra got knocked up? 

The drama is unbearable... not!

Kim gets up the nerve to tell Kandi she doesn't like the song.  Her fans have come to expect more from her! All of a sudden she's Clive Davis.  Kandi resents the fact that Grammy-less Kim is giving her creative advice and tells Kim to get herself some vocal lessons and that this time she wants to get paid.

Nene invites Cynthia and 50-year-old Peter over to dinner at her house.  She introduces 50-year-old Peter to Bryson.  The former gives the latter some half-assed advice about working hard... blah blah blah.  Bryson makes a lame attempt to care, but it's going in one ear and out the other. 

Meanwhile,  Nene and Gregg start ripping into each other.  Nene's drinking like a sailor on leave hitting the local TGIF and makes her guests incredibly uncomfortable.  Gregg mimics hanging himself.  Just as his guests want to do at this point.  Nene confronts Gregg about his lack of communication skills, but Gregg just runs away to his basement "apartment."

The back and forth insults nearly drive Cynthia into hysterics.  Nene reveals that Gregg cheated on her and she wants a divorce.  But she wants another drink even more.  Cynthia's marriage fears are once again confirmed.  Trash talk indeed!


The Real Housewives of Atlanta Quotes

[to Kenya Moore] You best hope nothing happens to me, because you might not have a job. I'm your storyline. I sustain your career . . . I built you, so stop playing games.

Apollo Nida

[to Kenya Moore] "You a sneaky, trifling slut."

Phaedra Parks