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The Real Housewives of Atlanta was almost too painful and nauseating to watch this week. But our critic sucked it up, powered through and published a detailed review of the latest scripted shenanigans between these women. Enjoy…

Oh, the horror! The horror!  Where do I begin?  Nene goes to the plastic surgeon complaining about wanting her “happy” back.  She and Gregg are just not getting along and her constant battles with Bryce are wearing her down.  But how to get that happy back? Downsize those boobs!  Lipo the pooch (her belly, not her Yorkie)!  And pinch up those nostrils while you’re at it! 

Sheree is of the opinion that if she had plastic surgery every time she had a marital problem she’d look like Dwight. Zing!

Real Housewives of Atlanta

We’re introduced to Kim’s parents (yes, she actually was not spawned from a Mattel plastic mold) this week.

They’re a nice Italian couple who accuses Kim of trading family for fame since they no longer share those traditional Sunday dinners of yore.  We learn that Kim’s dad was an overprotective father and they LOVE Big Poppa.  Who cares that their daughter was his mistress?  According to Daddy, Kim’s “a very class (sic) individual.” 

Big Poppa has moolah and apparently connections in the Catholic church because the parents suggest Kim ask him to help out with Brielle’s upcoming baptism/christening/exorcism.

Phaedra and Dwight, meanwhile, invite Cynthia and 50-year-old Peter to the Steeplechase horse race. Phaedra’s “an equestrian,” so it’s only normal that she wear spiked heels and a low-rent Pucci sheath to the track.  Looking like a “black Tammy Faye Baker and Willy Wonka” in their matching pink hats, Phaedra nearly passes out when she learns that 50-year-old Peter has five kids!  Phaedra wants a clean man like Apollo. 

Prison rape?  That’s cool.  Kids?  Run for the hills.  At the race, 50-year-old Peter is just hoping one of the horses runs off the track and crushes Phaedra.  He’d love to knock her off her high horse (excuse the pun), but she’s pregnant so a beating is out of the question.

Nene has her surgeries since that’s how she deal with stress.  Is it wrong to like Nene all drugged up and mumbling incoherently?  She has her friend, Diana, call Gregg but his voice mail picks up.  Sad.

Kandi’s nervous about her new album.  Kim pays no mind and just wants Kandi to write her next hit song.  Now that she’s a mega popstar, she tells Kandi her next single should be “The Ring Don’t Mean A Thing”…a title inspired my Nene’s appearance on Jimmy Kimmel.  Kandi’s down with it but this time she wants to get paid for her efforts.  Sorry Kim, free ride’s over.

Nene comes out of her surgeries and immediately asks how she looks.  “I don’t want to look like Dwight!”  Poor D gets no respect.  Doped up, Nene calls Kim and Sheree for support.

Meanwhile, Sheree attends her new love interest’s seminar.  Tiy-E “The Love Doctor” Muhammed has written a book about why black women can’t land any men.  Sheree is called to sit at an informal panel where she learns she needs to let the man open the ketchup bottle for her and that she’ll never meet a man at Payless.  The Love Doctor offers to cook Sheree a meal.  Sheree swoons.  Who knew it was overcooked pasta she was after all this time?

Nene recovers at home.  Kim visits her and Nene tells her that even though she got her nostrils pinched like Dwight she still has her “black girl nose.”  Bryce isn’t happy with Mommy’s new look.  Brent couldn’t care less.  And still no Gregg. Sad.

And finally our eyes are singed forever when we get a gander at Phaedra’s “high class” baby shower. Break out the ticky-tacky, frou-frou, pinky-tipping Sunday revival party hats because this is about to get real freaky.  Not Dwight, though.  As the baby shower planner extraordinaire, he gets to wear a tiara and have his makeup professionally done.

Wearing what appears to be an entire bush of live rose buds on her head and counterfeit Swarovski crystals as eyeliner, Phaedra is the epitome of what Kandi calls “boughetto,” the combination of “bougie” and “ghetto.”  Lisa Wu Hartwell makes an appearance (zzzz) and Phaedra nearly kills Kim for arriving late to her shower… hatless no less! 

Did she not get the trumpeted invitation requesting high class attire to the queen’s masquerade ball, er, shower?!?  Kim, Kandi and Lisa are speechless at the sight of the ballerinas twirling about and Dwight leading about-to-burst Phaedra in a waltz (Apollo refused to participate in this “girly” spectacle). After all, Phaedra is an entertainment lawyer and she loves the arts – and herself – so why not have as your baby shower a demented version of “The Nutcracker” as directed by Baby Jane in the senior center.

Oh the horror, the horror.