The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Holy Crap!

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Every Tuesday morning, I get an email from one of our interns at THG that briefly runs down the previous night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and then goes into a longer review, the latter of which I post on the site.

But this correspondent only had two words to describe this week's installment of the Bravo series: Holy crap!

What caused such a reaction? Read her detailed take on the hour below and see if you agree:

This season of RHONJ has had so many bitch fights, cat fights, quarrels, duels, breakdowns, meltdowns, and spars I don’t know how the show can ever keep up in the future. Do they show these Housewives violent movies and give them hallucinogenic drugs before releasing them into the wilderness of strip malls, plastic surgery centers, and country clubs that is Franklin Lakes, hoping they will run into each other and start kicking, biting, screaming profanities, and slinging their purses at each other while the cameras catch every cringe-worthy moment? 

It sure seems like it.

The Housewives Girl

Tonight’s episode was full of such drama.  Of course, most of it centered around Danielle Staub, but she alone cannot create this level of chaos.  There had to be other women involved and a charity event because Danielle seems to particularly enjoy letting loose and going insane at functions aimed at helping those less fortunate. 

By now I think she deserves her own charity event or at least an intervention that ends up with Danielle inside a windowless white van being driven off to a secured location where she can calm down under the watchful eyes of mental health professionals for a few years.  Her daughters can fend for themselves. 

Lord knows they’d probably be better off without her calling them every ten seconds and screaming, “Mommy’s got a little situation here!” as she gets ready to beat a bitch’s ass over accidentally cutting her in line at Target or something.

Most of this episode centered around the shit storm that was Kim D.’s fashion show event for her boutique, Posche.  (Side note:  Is she trying to spell her store’s name like “Porsche” is spelled so it seems classy?  Just wondering.)  The shit began to hit the fan when Danielle felt mistreated by a Posche employee. 

For Danielle, the fact that this employee failed to leap up from behind her desk (she was on the phone) and fall at her feet the minute Danielle walked in the door was grounds for an immediate execution.  Danielle threw a big fat stink about this and stormed in and out of the store multiple times, all while dressed in head-to-toe black like your goth cousin.

Real Housewives Meal

My God, this woman craves and creates drama wherever she goes.  If I got pissed every time a salesperson was rude to me, I would have spent all of my high school years in a rage over mistreatment at the hands of my local mall’s Abercrombie employees.  Kim D. has no sympathy for Danielle over this particular issue and says, “Nobody did anything on purpose to you.  Oh my god, here she goes again.  No matter what anyone does you can’t please her.” 

Danielle tells us that she is done shopping at Posche and adds smugly, “And believe me, she will miss my money.”  Don’t you mean your ex-husband’s money?  You have no job other than being the resident lunatic of Franklin Lakes and I don’t think that’s a paid position, at least not yet. 

After asking Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley to walk in her fashion show, Kim D. calls Danielle to make amends.  She tells Danielle that she needs to come to the fashion show.  Nooooo!  Run for the hills!

Why is Kim D. doing this?!  Has she not just seen firsthand how insane Danielle gets over nothing?  Is this the kind of woman you want attending your charity event?  “We’ll have a wonderful time.  There’s not going to be any craziness,” Kim D. reassures Danielle.  “Kim D has no idea what kind of crazy she’s invited to her fashion show,” Danielle tells us.  Does Danielle realize that she is talking about herself here? 

Methinks probably not.

Jacqueline and Teresa have also been invited to this fashion show but they are well aware their nemesis may be in attendance.  Teresa is nevertheless gung-ho about going but Jacqueline is not quite as convinced.  Caroline comes over to give advice to the ladies about this situation. 

(Second side note:  Caroline’s plotline in this episode was, believe it or not, about an actual real, relatable issue.  She is going through the painful process of seeing her kids grow and leave the nest.  She’s not sure what to do with her life now that she is no longer focused on being a mom to little kids.  I was shocked to see one of our Housewives express appropriate emotion about something truly normal and challenging.)

Of Danielle Caroline tells the girls, “She’s crazy, so why put yourself in that position?”  Worries Jacqueline: “For me going there knowing she’s going to be there is like me looking for trouble. Good thought - go with that, Jacqui.  “You win by doing nothing,” Caroline tells them.  “Exactly,” chimes in Teresa, acting like she has followed and comprehended the conversation so far.  You know she’s just been sitting there fantasizing about Shirtless Joe sitting naked in a Jacuzzi full of wads of cash.

Cheering Jacqueline

The night of the dreaded fashion show arrives.  Teresa shows up wearing ten baby seals’ worth of fur along with Jacqueline, who is only wearing about five baby seals.  Danielle and Kim G. show up, driven by Kim G.’s inexplicable African American driver.  Danielle has also brought her new bodyguard, Dennis. 

We wipe away the tears that Discount Bodyguard Extraordinaire Danny has been left behind and forgotten.  He brings a certain je ne se qua to parties, doesn’t he?

As soon as Danielle sees Kim D. sitting with Teresa and Jacqueline her verbal diarrhea begins anew. “When I saw both Teresa and Jacqueline sitting at Kim D.’s table I thought they’re just so desperate to get at me that they have to befriend somebody that was my friend.  This is a total dis.  She will be revealed tonight.  A real friend of mine would never go sit and break bread with the likes of them,” Danielle vomits to us.

Later everyone applauds as the events of the evening get started.  “I will not clap,” Danielle says icily to anyone within earshot, willing listener or not.  Clearly she is trying to take a stand to get back at Kim D… or something.  Here’s a thought:  Perhaps just don’t come to the event in the first place? 

All the women start modeling but Danielle is so over it.  “The fashion show got under way.  By that point I could have cared less.  I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t participating.  To me the ultimate dis had already been made so my ultimate dis needed to begin.”  Oh, yes!  People will just be falling all over themselves with shock if you sit and pout in the corner!  Your pouting will really show them who’s boss!

As her next act of passive-aggressiveness, Danielle picks up her cell phone.  “I’m gonna pretend I’m on the phone,” she says to her poor tablemates.  Good lord - this is a true sign that she thinks everyone is looking at her and paying attention to her at all times.  Danielle, you are at a fashion show. Perhaps people are looking at the clothes?  Why don’t you just leave if you’re so miserable and pissed?

Kim G. tells Danielle that this jazz with the cell phone is not ladylike behavior.  But Danielle is determined to continue her dis because, in her mind, it is making such a big and devastating impact on the party. 

Paris Hilton taught me it.  Just pretend you’re on the phone.  It pisses people off.  Why should I pay attention?  Why would I possibly care who and what is walking on that runway?” she asks us.  Well, to answer your question, Danielle, maybe people think you care about clothes and runways because you came to this fashion event?

Meanwhile, Teresa goes ga-ga over every single thing that comes down the runway.  “I like that!  I want that!  Oooo - I like those boots!  Yah!” she screams, sounding like her four-year-old daughter. No, Teresa!  Down, girl!  You have no money!

When Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley walks down the runway Danielle shouts, “Coke whore!”  “That’s when I got a little bit pissed, I’m not gonna lie,” says Danielle of seeing Ashley on the runway after Ashley has been “harassing” her.  So you weren’t angry before when you were making all your fake cell phone calls?  Because you kinda seemed angry to me.  Danielle’s final summary is that Kim D. is a piece of shit. 

The other women at Danielle’s table are seeing the crazy coming out and look scared.

Group Pic

Then the two tables start staring each other down across the runway like freaking “West Side Story” but ever so much trashier and without the impressive choreography and catchy tunes.  Jacqueline wants things to simmer, but then Ashley starts making eyes at Danielle.  The tension builds. 

A bunch of people get up to go to the bathroom en masse and this is Teresa’s opportunity for a little run-in with Danielle.  Jacqueline tries to put the kibosh on this plan but it’s too late.  Danielle walks by and pretends not to notice them but Teresa says hi and so starts the slow slide down the molten lava flow to hell.

I will say that while I think 99.9% of this particular showdown was Danielle’s fault, Teresa does provoke her a bit here, to be honest.  “What?  Danielle, you’re running away?” she says as Danielle turns to leave the room where Jacqueline and Teresa sit.   

Kim G. unhelpfully steps in and encourages all the women to talk.  They have friendly yet strained talk for about five seconds and congratulate each other about their daughters being in fashion shows.  That’s where the nicey-niceness ends.

“I really don’t find this to be a friendly conversation,” Danielle tells Teresa.  Teresa tells Danielle that it was Danielle’s fault Teresa got to the table-flipping point way back when and then calls Danielle “honey.”  A few episodes ago I said shushing Danielle was like getting a gremlin wet and it seems that calling her “honey” has the same effect.   When Danielle’s horns begin to emerge and her eyes turn red Teresa says, “I don’t want to call you ‘honey.’  Is ‘bitch’ better?”  Danielle’s head is about to spin off at this point.  “That’s a-fuckin ‘nuff,” Danielle hisses.

In the previews for the next episode we see much hair-pulling, baby seal coat-yanking, running toward expensive cars, screaming, and the inevitable arrival of the cops.  Those poor, poor cops.  Hopefully they came armed in full riot gear because some serious hoo-ha is going down this time.