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Nothing like starting your day off with a pair of disturbing news items about Britney Spears.

First, TMZ makes a strong claim without citing its sources. The celebrity gossip sites reports that Britney has multiple personalities, including “the British girl.” Therefore, when Spears loses the English persona, she has absolutely no idea what she did during the time she assumed that side of herself.

For example, the day Spears didn’t show for her deposition? She has no recollection of it.

Considering the sources also cite personalities that include “the weepy girl, the diva [and] the incoherent girl,” this sounds like too broad of a diagnosis to us. Aren’t all women suffering from these issues?

This must be the personality of Britney Spears that really hates pants.

Secondly, the Associated Press has admitted that it’s actually preparing a obituary for Spears. While she’s alive!

“We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time,” AP entertainment editor Jesse Washington said.

Well, sure. A Megan Fox sex tape would be a big deal, too, but you don’t see us writing a press release for it.

“I think one would agree that Britney seems at risk right now,” Washington added. “Of course, we would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now… but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared.”