At the 2012 MTV Movie Awards on Sunday evening, host Russell Brand kicked off the event with a zany monologue in which he mocked Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen, Kim Kardashian, Michael Fassbender's penis, Katy Perry and himself.
After giving Bieber props for his alleged scuffle with a photographer, Brand said, "Justin Bieber is so pretty that even if he was attacking me, I'd do a little orgasm."
It only got zanier from there.
"The last time I hosted I did marry someone who was there, so I'm keeping my eyes open for a new wife tonight," Brand said, before shouting, "Fassbender!"
That would be Michael Fassbender, who was there to represent Prometheus.
Brand also goofed on Charlie Sheen, who was there for reasons unknown, saying he'd stashed alcohol and some cocaine under the actor's seat. You know, just in case.
Perhaps most amusingly, Brand thanked Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for taking the pressure off of him - in terms of short-lived marriages and humiliating MTV award moments, respectively - and said he hopes they make a sex tape together.
Hopefully Kanye learns from his predecessor and stays sober during it, though, because Ray J "just looked a little too pleased with himself" while nailing KK.
Brand would also shot out "Twilight!" and "Hunger Games!" intermittently and for no apparent reason. What do you think of Russell's monologue? Grade it below: