The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: BLAH!

The Real Housewives of Miami didn't exactly blow our critic's mind last night. In fact, it mostly served as a reminder that their Bravo counterparts are superior.

Here's her take on the latest members of the Bravo franchise ...

Last night, the not-so-highly anticipated Real Housewives Of Miami premiered with a big "blphhhhhhhhhh." It's not entirely their fault that we were in misery.

Andy Cohen brought in 1 pinch hitter when The Real Housewives Of New York weren't ready to say hullo again. These South Florida (YES, Miami counts as part of South Florida) tarts display no modesty when showcasing their flash and trash.

Even in previews, Lea, Alexia, Christy, Larsa, Marysol and Adriana didn't dazzle me.

None can hold a candle to Lisa Vanderpump, nor do they measure up to Adrienne Maloof. I'd take a head full of tinsel over the foolishness I sat through last night.

With that said, let's get on with our recap.

Meet Lea. Lea just loves the crazies. Anyone who is certifiably insane and rich should call up Lea, 'cause she will like you. Guaranteed! Lea is married to top-notch attorney Roy Black, hails from the great state of Texas and loves mom jeans.

She's the quintessential Floridian, having resided in Miami since the '80s (a decade the city can't seem to pull itself out of). Lea strikes me as more Palm Beach than South Beach given her personal style and knack for jovial insults.

Something tells me Lea's never sat down to view a full season of Bravo bitchery, because she treated the pilot like a "who's who of the early bird Miami set."

By the end of this, she'll have a serious bone to pick with the editors.  I foresee Lea being thrown into a scenario she didn't sign up for, only to be on the receiving end of some realllllllll catty hogwash. Best of luck to you, Lea. 

Then there's Larsa, who has been married to NBA star Scottie Pippen for 12 years. Their kids are cute, and Larsa does her best to convince us she cooks, cleans and handles child-rearing. 'Fraid not, sister. I spotted a nanny in the background during breakfast.

It's cool, you can be honest with us. There is no way you raise four kids and look the way you do. Larsa and Scottie live in Ft. Lauderdale, which is not Miami. So...

Next on the chopping block is Adriana, a Brazilian spitfire we've yet to learn much about. She's engaged to a European (I think) twice her age and loves a good dance sandwich. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of Adriana is Gloria from Modern Family. So far, she's just another trollop from Miami.

Alexia... Alexia, the self-proclaimed Cuban Barbie with the ability to form sentences. Her sons are cute, if not a bit slow. Can't blame them. If my parent were wealthy and I lived in Miami, I'd skip all that intellectual ballyoo as well.

Who needs to learn the alphabet when you're that pretty and your mom is young enough to pass as your sister? Alexia is married to a magazine honcho named Herman, and hushes the naysayers who claim she's not attracted to him (he's old enough to be her father).

When people ask Alexia what she sees in her hubby, she simply tells them, "Once you get to know us, you see how it works and why it works." That's love.

Have you met Marysol? She's the middle-aged PR exec with a psychic mother who resembles the cat lady! Like other members of this esteemed cast, Marysol is well-educated, well-traveled and wants you to know it.

The MIA ladies don't know a thing about tact, but who needs such a thing when you're rich and flashy-trashy? Marysol was married for a time, then got divroced. She soon hit forty and found herself the object of many a young man's affection. 

Rounding out the rodent pack is Christy, who was once married to NBA star Glen Rice. Christy resembles Dina Lohan, which accounts for part of the reason I dislike her. She strikes me as a bitch, and not the kind of bitch I'd like on my side.

The kind of bitch I'd want on my side would be someone like JWoww. While JWoww is loyal, honest and tough, Christy is just rude, arrogant and a little snotty (and a bit nouveau-riche, mayhaps?). My television couch partner/roommate dubbed Rice the "Latina Lohan." 

These women are arrogant and probably on the brink of financial ruin, if Housewives history serves me correctly.  I'm agitated that we had to delay The Real Housewives Of New York for this back-up plan.

NEXT!