The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: BLAH!

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The Real Housewives of Miami didn't exactly blow our critic's mind last night. In fact, it mostly served as a reminder that their Bravo counterparts are superior.

Here's her take on the latest members of the Bravo franchise ...

Last night, the not-so-highly anticipated Real Housewives Of Miami premiered with a big "blphhhhhhhhhh." It's not entirely their fault that we were in misery.

The Real Housewives of Miami Cast Members

Andy Cohen brought in 1 pinch hitter when The Real Housewives Of New York weren't ready to say hullo again. These South Florida (YES, Miami counts as part of South Florida) tarts display no modesty when showcasing their flash and trash.

Even in previews, Lea, Alexia, Christy, Larsa, Marysol and Adriana didn't dazzle me.

None can hold a candle to Lisa Vanderpump, nor do they measure up to Adrienne Maloof. I'd take a head full of tinsel over the foolishness I sat through last night.

With that said, let's get on with our recap.

Meet Lea. Lea just loves the crazies. Anyone who is certifiably insane and rich should call up Lea, 'cause she will like you. Guaranteed! Lea is married to top-notch attorney Roy Black, hails from the great state of Texas and loves mom jeans.

She's the quintessential Floridian, having resided in Miami since the '80s (a decade the city can't seem to pull itself out of). Lea strikes me as more Palm Beach than South Beach given her personal style and knack for jovial insults.

Something tells me Lea's never sat down to view a full season of Bravo bitchery, because she treated the pilot like a "who's who of the early bird Miami set."

By the end of this, she'll have a serious bone to pick with the editors.  I foresee Lea being thrown into a scenario she didn't sign up for, only to be on the receiving end of some realllllllll catty hogwash. Best of luck to you, Lea. 

Then there's Larsa, who has been married to NBA star Scottie Pippen for 12 years. Their kids are cute, and Larsa does her best to convince us she cooks, cleans and handles child-rearing. 'Fraid not, sister. I spotted a nanny in the background during breakfast.

It's cool, you can be honest with us. There is no way you raise four kids and look the way you do. Larsa and Scottie live in Ft. Lauderdale, which is not Miami. So...

Next on the chopping block is Adriana, a Brazilian spitfire we've yet to learn much about. She's engaged to a European (I think) twice her age and loves a good dance sandwich. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of Adriana is Gloria from Modern Family. So far, she's just another trollop from Miami.

Alexia... Alexia, the self-proclaimed Cuban Barbie with the ability to form sentences. Her sons are cute, if not a bit slow. Can't blame them. If my parent were wealthy and I lived in Miami, I'd skip all that intellectual ballyoo as well.

Who needs to learn the alphabet when you're that pretty and your mom is young enough to pass as your sister? Alexia is married to a magazine honcho named Herman, and hushes the naysayers who claim she's not attracted to him (he's old enough to be her father).

When people ask Alexia what she sees in her hubby, she simply tells them, "Once you get to know us, you see how it works and why it works." That's love.

Have you met Marysol? She's the middle-aged PR exec with a psychic mother who resembles the cat lady! Like other members of this esteemed cast, Marysol is well-educated, well-traveled and wants you to know it.

The MIA ladies don't know a thing about tact, but who needs such a thing when you're rich and flashy-trashy? Marysol was married for a time, then got divroced. She soon hit forty and found herself the object of many a young man's affection. 

Rounding out the rodent pack is Christy, who was once married to NBA star Glen Rice. Christy resembles Dina Lohan, which accounts for part of the reason I dislike her. She strikes me as a bitch, and not the kind of bitch I'd like on my side.

The kind of bitch I'd want on my side would be someone like JWoww. While JWoww is loyal, honest and tough, Christy is just rude, arrogant and a little snotty (and a bit nouveau-riche, mayhaps?). My television couch partner/roommate dubbed Rice the "Latina Lohan." 

These women are arrogant and probably on the brink of financial ruin, if Housewives history serves me correctly.  I'm agitated that we had to delay The Real Housewives Of New York for this back-up plan.

NEXT!

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As a latin women i enjoy the show but i dont like the trashy we latin women have more class than that they need to show them spending time with their kids like real latin women i take care of kids until they fall asleep. jobs done no nanny but i like the show.

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GOD this show suuuuucked. I watched the first episode and was panicking becuase I couldn't find my remote to change it. It was boring, their idiots, and its just blah. Lea is trying to live a young life she dosnt have anymore. Shes a sloppy drunk and has nothing nice to say. Larsa is married to an ugly ass guy and in one episode I watched her buy her kids pets and then say she hoped the nannys would take care of them.Marysols mom needs less botox. Alexia is the super blonde one who lets her 17 year old son drink alchol, stay out late and have thousand dollar parties. Adriana is slutty and an ass kisser and christy isnt really even focused on enough to be of any importance to the show. Their all annoying, just like nene and kyle

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I really think this show is hilarious. I just watched the episode that Cristy showed up to the charity event with three friends and was upset she got an invoice in the mail...Welcome to the real world Cristy....if you weren't trying to avoid paying for it and planned on going why didn't you give a check before the event like everyone did!!!You were just pissed you were called out in front of everyone at dinner...

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Don't these women really know what they look like in real life. Worse facelifts ever seen. Good grief that mother looks like a cat. Her daughter not much better. Awful show.

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Housewives of Miami is worse one yet. Thought D.C. was bad, this tops it. Take it off please.

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MAJOR MAJOR yawn! Who wants to see each of them host a lunch or dinner, exciting...not so much. And whant is up with Jocelyn Wildenstein' mom making an apperance?
I can only hope that this is a one season show!
Ladies...remember you live in Florida!

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Speaking as a hispanic woman - this is all Bravo could round up - no class, trashy, arrogant, ignorant and nothing pretty to look at. Going back to my Telenovelas (Soaps).

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I liked some parts but overall there's no excitement or drama

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I have to say Beverly hills was the best thus far.the women of Miami are lacking in everything.they are the worst I think they should just cancel not worth watching. They are so boring my life is more exciting and I do not have millions it just shows money can not bring happiness just boring parties. Bravo take them off !

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I really liked Miami housewives. I enjoyed watching the charity event and art show. Lots of celebs. Hope they plan more seasons.
This group is much more real than NY, Atlanta, and Orange County.Yuck....

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