It's all about balance.
That's what Bethenny Frankel learned on last night's season finale of her reality show, as both business and baby beckoned. As usual, a THG intern has reviewed the episode in depth, sharing her snark with readers below. Take it away!
I have to say that for a finale episode, this one was quasi-boring. A baby shower cake faux-disaster? Amateur football games on Montauk? Jason lathering sunscreen on Max? Bethenny’s much-hyped first trip away for work that we didn’t even get to see? Baby nurse Gina doling out post-baby sex advice? Yawnsville. However, I do love watching the new little family unit in action so that saved it from being a total dud.
I think the best moments are when Jason, Bethenny, Bryn, and Gina are hanging out around the apartment talking about whatever. I would prefer a whole show of that.
Tonight’s episode began with my second favorite gal from Real Housewives of New York City, Ramona, coming over to visit Bethenny and the new baby. Almost immediately the baby gets cranky and Bethenny hands her off to Gina. Gina rushes the baby into a secluded room. The women discuss having more than one baby as well as sex post-delivery.
Ramona is surprisingly tongue-tied as she talks about her own “relations” with Mario after she had daughter Avery. All in all, I like Ramona a whole lot better on the other show. Seeing her on Bethenny’s show is a weird experience - it feels like when you were little and you saw your teacher at the grocery store: startling, uncomfortable, and a teensy bit scary.
Though she just gave birth two episodes ago, Bethenny has already reclaimed her flat stomach. “Look at the body on her, Gina,” says Jason. He then adds, “I really thought at our age or your age it would be a mess.” Gina nods knowingly. Speaking of Gina, one random factoid we’ve learned about her is that she is no fan of men trying to get on their women right after they have babies. She’s sort of a combo baby nurse/anti-post-pregnancy sex cop.
The day of Bethenny’s baby shower has arrived. “I’m probably the first mom ever to have a baby shower with the baby already,” says Bethenny, verbalizing something we are all thinking. Of course poor, poor, poor Shawn is putting this little fiesta together.
The first order of business is carefully extracting the specially-ordered-from-Los-Angeles cake. “OMG! (Multiple explicatives). We have a caketastrophe!” gasps Shawn as he realizes the design on the cake is messed up. He has a look of true terror on his face as he frantically tries to fix it. This much fussed-over cake, by the way, is insanely small.
How many people is this supposed to feed? Or is it just a centerpiece? If it’s a centerpiece, then why does it have to be some extra-special cake flown in from Los Angeles? Such big confusion for such a little cake. But I digress.
Freaky NYC Housewife Alex is among the shower guests and surprises everyone by wearing a normal outfit. Though Bethenny states, “I’m hoping we can have a cocktail and discuss something that doesn’t involve diapers and boobies,” of course this sort of talk is inevitable. But then, like in every good Housewife show, the conversation moves to sex. “I’m not having sex and Jason is like a rabid animal. He’s gonna like mount me the second it starts,” Bethenny says in full listening zone of her mother-in-law.
The shower also involves manicures, pedicures, facials, massages, and other sorts of body treatments. Having arrived moments earlier, assistant Max is immediately splayed out on a massage table awaiting his turn. Bethenny is ticked that he went ahead of her shower guests. Despite being bitched out, Max is oblivious and still wants the massage.
After the shower, Bethenny is stressing about having to go to Chicago on a brief work trip. “It’s complete trauma and terror and I don’t want to go,” Bethenny says about leaving Bryn for the first time. As usual, Jason is totally supportive and wonderful. “We’ll be right here when you get back,” he says as he expertly pats the baby’s back. Gina also gives Bethenny a pep talk before she leaves. Lord knows if that baby is safe with anyone, it’s Gina.
Later, Bethenny and Max head down to the Children’s Place to get some clothes for Bryn. This is surprising to me. Shouldn’t she be going to Bonpoint or Petit Bateau or something else a little ritzier? Regardless of the venue, Bethenny is very confused about baby sizing. “I have a baby,” Bethenny says to a salesgirl. “What do normal people do? They come in here and get clothes for what age?”
Shopping at a regular person store has its advantages, Bethenny discovers. “The prices are really reasonable. I mean, five dollars for anything? You can’t get a latte for five dollars. This is a pair of pants.”
The family is planning a trip to Montauk, evidently the most non-Hamptons part of the Hamptons, whatever that means. This vacation marks the first family road trip and the car is stuffed full of baby gear. “We’re terrified of all the stuff we have to bring,” says Jason. According to him, the list of “crap” to bring includes the baby nurse and the baby. The huge amount of baby paraphernalia and luggage fills both a full-sized Suburban and the Skinny Girl Volkswagen Bug.
While on the road they realize they forgot the baby’s crib. “We forgot to pack something for the baby to sleep in besides a garbage can,” Bethenny says. Then they realize that Bethenny also forgot her “Breast Friend” which helps prop up the baby when she’s nursing. “The people in the bush didn’t have a Breast Friend,” Bethenny says in an attempt to comfort herself.
They arrive at the Montauk Yacht Club ready to hurry up and relax. They hang out with the two assistants, Julie and Max and then play football. Bethenny is playing in a dress. Julie is kicking Bethenny’s ass. Cookie frolics nearby. It’s kind of boring.
That evening everyone has dinner together. Bethenny is in a reflective mood. She says, “A lot has changed. And I’m really happy with where my life is.” Bethenny then officially thanks Gina for being an amazing nurse, Max for not being such a dumbass anymore, Julie for being dependable and all-around fabulous, Jason for being an amazing husband and father, and to baby Bryn for being such a cute little burrito. “The future can be whatever I make it,” Bethenny concludes.
Ah, so there was the first season of Bethenny Getting Married?. I wonder if this show will have any sort of future or if it’s done for good. I kind of hope it’s finished, knowing how reality shows tend to kill marriages. Regardless, I have a few burning questions still left unanswered:
-What exactly is Jason’s job?
-Why the hell did they put a question mark in the title of this show?
-What do Bethenny’s two assistants do all day long, especially when Bethenny is hanging around the house with the baby?
-How much do those assistants get paid?
-What does Gina really think of her employers and how they make her sleep on a lousy fold-out couch?
-Is Bethenny really friends with Ramona and Alex or is this something forced upon her to keep the other show relevant?
-What really went down between Bethenny and her supposedly-nuts mom?
-Will Bethenny really completely scrap that book she worked so long and hard on?
-Will Bethenny chip in any money for poor Shawn’s shock therapy treatments and/or heavy mood-stabilizing medication after torturing him so severely?
-How long will this cute family unit stay cute and stay a unit? Only time will tell!