Michael Lohan to Kate Major: I Will Kill You!

Kate Major, Lindsay Lohan's ex-assistant and Michael Lohan's soon-to-be ex-fiancee, says he threatened to kill her, called her a "c**t" and kicked her in the face.

Never a sign of a stable, long-term relationship.

According to the police report and formal complaint she filed against the deadbeat dad she somehow agreed to marry, Michael Lohan assaulted her - and worse:

"My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair. He woke me up, yelling, 'Why didn't you pick up your cell phone, you stupid c**t.'"

"He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor. I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him. He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in the face while I was still on the ground."

So are we. He and Mel Gibson should get together and swap ideas.

Kate Major says she hit her head on the wall, then the floor as she fell. According to the police report, officials observed "Minor swelling observed on [her] lip."

Michael says there was an argument but denied touching Kate. Apparently police don't buy it, since Kate now has "Temporary Order of Protection" against him.

The Order prohibits the hothead loser from communicating with Major in any way. He's also prohibited from having a "third party" contact or threaten her.

In the Order, signed by a judge at the Southampton Justice Court, he cannot engage in "any acts or threats of physical violence." We'll see if he can resist.

UPDATE: Michael has been charged with second degree harassment for the incident. He will be formally arraigned in Southampton, N.Y., court August 18.