The first season of The Hills seems like ... well, five seasons ago.
Back then, when Heidi Montag was the bubbly, slightly annoying but harmless BFF of Lauren Conrad, things made sense. Times were easier, and they were good.
Fast forward to May 2010 and the surgically enhanced Stepford Wife knockoff can't barely move her face to utter MTV's fake dialogue after all those operations.
In tonight's episode, Heidi gives Spencer Pratt what seems like a pleasant greeting: "Hi honey! Good to see you!" Only she sounds like a robotic, Barbie cyborg.
Having hired a planner to arrange a party for Enzo, the little kid MTV hired to give her baby fever last season, Heidi Montag must still be hurting from surgery.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt visited a U.S. Marine Corps base earlier this week. Sadly, they were not part of target practice. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]
Seriously, the girl's face cannot move. At. All. Meanwhile, Spencer Pratt's crystals (see last week's episode) clearly aren't working, as he's about to blow a gasket.
These two need psychiatric help, and soon.
However much money Enzo's parents got paid to subject their child to Speidi, it wasn't nearly enough. What party theme could possibly be worse for a little kid?
Okay, maybe One Night with Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods' Cocktail Waitress Paradise and The Tattooed White Power Regions of Michelle McGee would be worse.
Follow the jump for a clip from tonight's episode of The Hills ...