John Mayer Refers to Jessica Simpson as "Sexual Napalm," Uses the N Word

In a new interview with Playboy, John Mayer makes sure to say that he's NOT a douchebag.

He then spends the entire interview proving why so many people consider him to be a giant douchebag.

We'll let Mayer dig his own douchey grave below, as he recounts what it was like to sleep with Jessica Simpson and why he and Jennifer Aniston broke up...

On sex with Simpson: That girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy... It was like sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*ckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f*cking you.'"

On Aniston: That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person.

On their break-up: There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter... She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction.

THG note: In other words... that was it.

On current sex life: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops.

On NOT being a douchebag: From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the s*** out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douchebag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's f*cked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even f*cking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'f*ck you.'

John, your dating life has nothing to do with the public's perception of you. What might make people think you're a douchebag?

Rambling, nonsensical interviews about masturbation and sexual napalm that make you sound like an attention-hungry tool. Or, to use a more apt description: a douchebag.

** UPDATE: WHOA! New excerpts from the interview have been leaked, and they paint Mayer as far more than just a douchebag. Read below.

Mayer: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

Playboy: Because you’re very?

Mayer: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n*gger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’"

Playboy: Do black women throw themselves at you?"

Mayer: I don't think I open myself to it. My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin' David Duke c*ck. I'm going to start dating separately from my d*ck.

THG note: What the heck is wrong with this guy?!?