Heidi Montag Wants Children, Gigantic Breasts

Thank goodness for the return of The Hills to MTV tonight.

It's been at least a few days since we last saw Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, as the duo raked in thousands last week for a staged photo shoot on the beach.

In order to hype the new season of the least realistic show on TV, Heidi gave an interview to British magazine Closer and dished on fake breasts, her fake husband her photoshopped Playboy cover...

On the Playboy shoot: "I wasn't nervous because I'd got my body and mind into shape for it. My aim is to become an iconic sex symbol and the Playboy shoot is the first step. I wanted to be toned and curvaceous with a nice butt; I didn't want to lose weight and look skinny."

On her breasts: "I'm a C cup, but I want to upgrade to a DD cup. I have a curvy butt now and bigger boobs will enhance my shape."

Heidi Montag blows a fake kiss, from her fake lips, which sit a few inches above her fake boobs.

On her atrocious Miss Universe pageant performance: "I know my skills and talent. I'd never performed in front of so many people, let alone a billion watching me on TV. Afterwards there was a lot of negativity on the Internet, but I deal with it. It happens to everyone like me and I can only do my best and feel happy."

On future Speidi offspring: "I'd love children, but Spencer doesn't. Hopefully that will change though."