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Unless you just emerged from the Sarlacc Pit, you probably know that we’re less than a week away from the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

You might also be aware that the franchise has been known to inspire just a smidge of obsessive devotion from fans, which means the Internet has been a breeding ground for wild speculation about the new film ever since the first trailer debuted last year.

Some of the theories are totally plausible. (It’s entirely possible, for example that Luke Skywalker has been left out of the film’s marketing campaign because J.J. Abrams and company don’t want to reveal that he’s gone to the Dark Side.)

Others are wackier than the Mos Eisley Cantina at last call on singles’ night.

We’ve assembled a decent mix here, but we’ve mostly focused on the weird ones, because, c’mon…you’re so close to the big day, you don’t really want to be hit with any spoilers now, do you?

Imagine if someone told you that Vader was Luke’s father right before you saw The Empire Strikes Back!

Sorry, if we ruined that for you, but we have a strict policy here at THG: No advance spoiler warnings on movies that are old enough to run for president.