Unless you just emerged from the Sarlacc Pit, you probably know that we’re less than a week away from the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
You might also be aware that the franchise has been known to inspire just a smidge of obsessive devotion from fans, which means the Internet has been a breeding ground for wild speculation about the new film ever since the first trailer debuted last year.
Some of the theories are totally plausible. (It’s entirely possible, for example that Luke Skywalker has been left out of the film’s marketing campaign because J.J. Abrams and company don’t want to reveal that he’s gone to the Dark Side.)
Others are wackier than the Mos Eisley Cantina at last call on singles’ night.
We’ve assembled a decent mix here, but we’ve mostly focused on the weird ones, because, c’mon…you’re so close to the big day, you don’t really want to be hit with any spoilers now, do you?
Imagine if someone told you that Vader was Luke’s father right before you saw The Empire Strikes Back!
Sorry, if we ruined that for you, but we have a strict policy here at THG: No advance spoiler warnings on movies that are old enough to run for president.
Finn is the Son of Lando Calrissian…and Princess Leia
No one’s quite sure how the theory that John Boyega’s character is the son of Lando Calrissian and Princess, excuse us…GENERAL Leia, but you can blame J.J. Abrams for fanning the flames on this one. Asked about Finn’s lineage in an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the director responded, “I will only say about that that it is completely intentional that their last names aren’t public record.” Hmm…could be something to this one.
Luke Skywalker is Kylo Ren
The latest trailers show Kylo Ren pledging to his allegiance to Darth Vader’s battered helmet. Luke isn’t seen in any of the trailers and he Is Vader’s son, so…eh, we’re not buying it.
Boba Fett is Back!
Die hard fans have noticed that the first trailer features a banner with a Mandalorian insignia. The franchise’s most badass bounty hunter just happens to hail from Mandalore. Of course, even if he shows up, he probably end up not doing jack squat again.
You Can Watch The First Two Minutes Online!
Some fans believe that a completed cut of the first two minutes of the film has leaked online. The fact that there’s a typo in the iconic text crawl leads us to believe they’re mistaken.
Han Solo Dies!
This one’s not actually all that ridiculous. We could easily imagine Han going out in some noble fashion. After all, we can’t imagine Harrison Ford signing on for endless sequels. It would be tragic, but less horrific than if…
Chewbacca Dies!
The first trailer showed a grieving Rey in the same frame as a tuft of hair. Is it Chewie?! Could be! Of course, it also be come random Wookie.
Rey and Kylo Ren Are Twins
Sure, it’s possible, but didn’t this franchise already do the whole “Surprise! They’re siblings!” thing?
Darth Vader: Alive and Well!
There’s plenty of reason to believe that Darth Vader is dead (Hell, we even saw Hayden Christensen’s ghost!), but then again, the Empire loves clones! Like we said, these ARE the most absurd fan theories we’re giving you here.
Jar Jar Binks is the Galaxy’s Most Powerful Sith Lord!
Sure, why not? Just kidding. This one is too ridiculous to even consider.