Martha Stewart for all the wins! Read through her best Justin Bieber Roast jokes here.
Gotta Have Hart
First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart. It’s really great to be here. Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes over the last hour is the hardest time I’ve ever done.
What’s That Word?
Kevin is one of the biggest stars in the business right now. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget the term for that, it’s not ‘African-American rich.’ It will come to me. Justin, you know the word.
Slamming Shaq
When Shaq bought his house, I was the first person he called. The house had 13 bedrooms and I helped convert eight of them into refrigerators.
Pull Out, Luda!
I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
Dissing the Dogg
Snoop, I see that you have been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.
Talk About Hoes!
I do a lot of gardening but [Natasha Legerre], you are without a doubt the dirtiest, used-up ho I have ever seen.
A Buress Bash
Hannibal [Buress], all night I’ve been trying to remember who you remind me of. Then it hit me, you look just like that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.
Final Piece of Advice
Justin, before I go, here is my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal but she’ll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich, someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a playa in the board room and a freak in the bedroom…So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me.