Dancing with the Stars Casts Most Randomly Hilarious Season Yet

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Can we talk for a moment, ABC?

Can we just go ahead and keep it real?

Okay, good. Here we go:

You need to change the name of your long-running reality show. You can't go around referring to this program as Dancing with the Stars.

Dancing with the the Z-List Stars maybe? Dancing with the Totally Anonymous Quasi Celebrities could work?

We can workshop various possibilities with your executives, but the Season 27 cast announced below makes it obvious that the series is more desperate than ever for anyone resembling a star.

With apologies to all the folks listed here, these upcoming contestants simply do not qualify for that status...

1. Evanna Lynch

Evanna Lynch
We loved Evanna Lynch as Luna in the Harry Potter franchise. But how many people out there even know her name?

2. Juan Pablo Di Pace

Juan Pablo Di Pace
He hails from Argentina and sources say he plays a role on the Full House spinoff/revival Fuller House. Who knew?!?

3. John Schneider

John Schneider
John Schneider used to be a huge TV star and major sex symbol on Dukes of Hazzard. That was about 35 years ago.

4. Nancy McKeon

Nancy McKeon
She's somehow the third former Facts of Life member to be cast. Does anyone under 30 years old have a clue who she is?

5. Joe Amabile

Joe Amabile
They called him Grocery Store Joe on The Bachelorette because he was just so nice and kind of plain. Good dude. Boring contestant.

6. DeMarcus Ware

DeMarcus Ware
DeMarcus Ware was a Super Bowl champion for the Denver Broncos. And we know how often professional athletes with Dancing with the Stars.

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Dancing with the Stars Quotes

We should have started dancing with one arm waaay before.

Cristian de la Fuente [following his injury, trip to the hospital and subsequent stellar performance]

I am not the best dancer, and I have not been the best dancer from the beginning. I am happy we made it this far.

Cristian de la Fuente