90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5 is already a hot mess and the season is barely underway.
Colt is moving on with Jess, but they're having friction and she is starting to see that he is a disrespectful creep.
Larissa herself is lining up new professional and romantic prospects.
Elizabeth and Andrei are turning to their favorite source of income, and it's not Andrei's work ethic.
Kalani and Asuelu are dealing with conflicting priorities, planning a trip, and Asuelu's man-child tendencies.
Angela deals with some medical realities.
And Tania is seriously concerned that Syngin being the breadwinner is going to take him down a dangerous path.
Take a look at our recap of June 21's episode and relive the drama for yourself.
Colt Johnson and Jess Caroline
After the horny flirtations last time, Colt returns to his hotel room with a smug expression, declaring: "We had sex. It was great."
Not everyone involved is happy
Jess, it seems, is feeling a little less than satisfied, but her concerns aren't about the sex itself.
It's about the OTHER woman in Colt's life
Jess laments that Colt has not yet told his mother about their relationship. Keep in mind that this would have been one year ago, in May or June 2019, just a couple of months after finalizing his divorce.
Jess' feelings are hurt
"I didn't want this to ruin our night because I wanted to have sex," she explains. "But I feel Colt doesn't care about me."
Colt is holding back
He worries that his mom won't like that he is dating yet another Brazilian woman, especially such a short time after getting a divorce.
But, he promises to tell her
90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5 star Colt Johnson is intrigued that his date seems to be as interested as he is.
That's not the end of it
The two of them start wandering around Chicago while Colt is in town, which is when some jealousy comes up.
Jess has also dated recently
She reveals that she has been in the US for six months, and in that time she has dated "six or seven" men. Colt admits that he feels jealous over this.
Jess reassures him
She insists that her sex life with Colt is better than it was with her exes.
"I like sex with Colt because I'm the boss in the bedroom," Jess explains.
She says that it's part of her culture
When Jess says that Brazilian women love sex, Colt cannot help but bring up his ex. "I feel like my past relationship [with Larissa] might make me look bad. I don't want to look bad [to Jess]."
He complains that Larissa wasn't as passionate
Notably, Larissa was the one who described Colt as lacking in affection -- the thing that you normally do towards someone from whom you want sex. Also, his cheating scandal in December 2018 probably wasn't much of an aphrodisiac.
Also, Colt is lying to Jess about a "friend"
"I've been friends with Vanessa since I started going through my divorce with Larissa. We started talking online," he claims, immediately after claiming that they met at the gym. "Jess has never met Vanessa but she thinks I'm having an affair with her." Given that he filmed this within six months of a cheating scandal, Jess' concerns seem justified. Also, he's lying to her about it.
90 Day Fiance has done a lot of work making Colt seem only mildly creepy instead of toxic and manipulative, but his smarmy "I win!" after Jess agrees to not go to the party made plenty of viewers' skin crawl. Jess accurately describes Colt as someone who is "boring" and "doesn't respect women."
Paul and Karine Staehle
This legendary 90 Day Fiance couple, now parents to baby Pierre (pronounced Pierre-ee for Brazilian reasons), are back!
Big changes are in store!
They are packing up to leave Brazil -- notably, Karine has never lived outside of Brazil before. Remember a year or so ago when fans kept talking about spotting Karine in a Kentucky Walmart? So we knew that they had to be filming for this.
They've weathered so much already
Multiple breakups, threatened divorces, Paul's general weirdness, a huge language barrier, and constant BONKERS fights ... but they're still together.
They want to give Pierre(-ee) his best life
Pierre definitely deserves his best chance at life, and if Paul can't support him in Brazil, he may have better luck in his hometown.
This HAS to work
"There's definitely a lot of pressure on me to make living in America work," Paul admits. "Otherwise Karine is going to up and leave me and move back to Brazil."
The good news is ...
Karine is traveling on a spousal visa and is already approved for her Green Card, which is great.
Karine is viewing this move as a "trial run" for living away from her family, which she has never done before.
Paul and Karine
90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days stars Paul and Karine are still at it, and Paul has finally revealed his disturbing criminal history.
Karine and Paul
Karine and Paul of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days have had a number of relationship issues.
Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa
These two are now parents of two, and Kalani really seems to be a parent of three -- her two children and her man-child husband.
Asuelu is busy playing volleyball
"I know that Kalani's dad want me to stop playing and Kalani wants me to stay home, but this reminds me of home and it's too important to stop going," he explains to the camera. "She can take the man from the island, but she can't take the island out of the man."
He wants his kids to be connected to Samoa, too
"I want to bring my kids to see where I was raised up and the lifestyle there," Asuelu says. "I want to be connected to my culture." Notably, Kalani's side of the family also comes from Samoa, but less recently.
They're having real issues with Asuelu only working part time. He's a parent of two children now, so it is frustrating for his family to see him using his time to play volleyball.
They have a sweet date-night
While Kalani doesn't see the surprise axe-throwing as "romantic," per se, she does have a good time.
"What I'm worried about are the plane tickets alone will be like $3,000," Kalani says of Asuelu's push to visit Samoa. "I just want to make sure that we don't go there and spend everything we have, and then we come back and can't pay the bills."
There are other issues at play
Apparently, Asuelu's family only contacts Kalani if they want something. What's worse is that what she does send never seems to be enough to satisfy them.
Kalani has had enough!
"They want an extreme," she complains. "They want cows and multiple boxes of things. I'm not going to buy you a cow. I'll buy you a pig or something but cows are fricking expensive!"
Still, they're making plans
Kalani is worried that Asuelu will ghost them for a while to visit his old friends and hang out with them. But she warns that if he does, she won't mind heading back early with the kids.
Elizabeth Potthast and Andrei Castravet
Elizabeth and everyone's least favorite mooch's storyline continues after Andrei hijacked Elizabeth's dad's birthday party to announce that they're having a Moldovan wedding even though they're already married. Chuck doesn't deserve that.
He does apologize
To Elizabeth, of course, not to Chuck. Reminding her that their second wedding is just one month away, Andrei tells Elizabeth "It's all about us, remember? And your dad is going to pay for it." That appears to be Andrei's motto for life.
Elizabeth tries to convince her sisters
She wants them to attend, which means that she wants them to fly their butts out to Moldova to attend a wedding between two people who are already married.
Is it even safe?
They present Elizabeth with a reminder that Moldova is famously a scary, dangerous place filled with corruption, violence, and much more literal tourist traps. When people who voluntarily live in Florida don't want to visit some place, maybe reconsider.