Season 5 of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? has been nuts.
So it is no surprise that the Tell All special would be bonkers from Part 1.
Paul and Karine could not take part because TLC is trying a "hands off" approach when a spouse is accused of abuse, as Paul currently is.
From Angela wearing a face mask for suspicious reasons to Larissa debuting her new boobs to her castmates, there's a lot going on.
Colt faces off against Larissa and Jess with only Debbie Dearest in his corner.
And Asuelu sees, for the first time, the footage of his mother saying that she doesn't care about his kids just before Tammy lunges for Kalani.
If Part 1 is this nuts, what's coming in parts 2 and 3?
The Tell All begins!
This is part one of the three-part Tell All for 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? Season 5. Four and a half hours of total footage after what must have been well over a dozen hours of recording. After the Before The 90 Days leak from earlier this year, we'll admit that we keep wondering what gems and scandals may have been left on the cutting room floor.
Let's start with Coltee
Colt Johnson acknowledges that he's facing off with both his ex-girlfriend, Jess Caroline, and his ex-wife, Larissa Lima, at this Tell All. If he didn't want this kind of situation, he could have tried being a decent partner, but we guess that this is too much to ask of Debbie's special boy. He laments to the camera that everyone else has one person there who really loves and supports them.
That's what mom is for!
Colt's life partner, his mother Debbie, is there to cheer him on ... and point an accusatory finger at Colt's exes. At one point, she tells Jess that she would pick Larissa for a daughter-in-law over her.
Jess hits back
Jess and Debbie have only grown more antagonistic since the season was filmed, and Jess tells her that her red blouse suits her -- because she's a devil, a demon.
Larissa is there too
Colt and Debbie have a laugh at Larissa's new boobs. Colt likens Larissa to Dolly Parton, which is the highest compliment that a human being can receive, so his insults need a little work.
Larissa loves her new look
Would we -- or, indeed, Larissa's plastic surgeon himself -- have recommended the exact changes that Larissa had done? No. But it's her flesh prison. She can rennovate it however she likes.
Debbie says that Larissa sabotaged Colt
Debbie, who openly and deliberately sabotaged her son's relationship with Jess by name-dropping Vanessa "casually" into a conversation in Brazil, says that Larissa's phone call warning Jess of exactly who Colt and Debbie truly are was what doomed their relationship ... a romance that continued for weeks and weeks afterwards.
Jess marvels over Debbie's accusation. In truth, not even Debbie deserves the blame for this. It wasn't Larissa or Debbie or Vanessa that ruined things -- it was Colt. Lying, cheating, and allegedly gaslighting will do that.
Debbie keeps going
She thinks that all of the badmouthing that Colt's exes have done about him is just because they're bitter at being dumped. Well, for one thing, Jess dumped Colt and not the other way around. For another, like, who the villain in these relationships was isn't really a mystery. Only one of them was sending dick pics to random other women -- during his marriage to Larissa and during his on-again, off-again relationship with Jess -- and Colt even admits to a portion of that.
Colt cannot stop calling Jess "sweetheart"
"You manipulate men, sweetheart. You throw around sex like it's going out of style...You had me in bed before I even knew your name," he accuses Jess. While we suppose that making someone nut does require some "manipulation," boning someone is not the same as playing weird mind games and seeming to delight in pitting your lover against your mother. Also, how is Jess sleeping with him early in their relationship any "worse" than him sleeping with her just as early?
He tried to say that he hadn't cheated
But Jess noted that Colt was sending out his pics before even visiting her in Brazil. Larissa laid into him for being a cheater who tries to make himself look good. Unfortunately, she also body-shames him. That's never okay and she needs to stop doing that, even though we know that she has her own body image issues and this likely stems from that.
As for Vanessa
She didn't actually show up in this episode, but Colt does admit that he slept with Vanessa before he got with Jess ... and that the two of them were together after he and Jess broke up. We all knew this, but was good to hear Colt confess it. Poor Jess. Nobody deserves to be someone's back-up girlfriend, especially when that someone is Colt.
Larissa and Eric
It's sometimes hard to tell where one couple ends and the other begins on Tell Alls, especially when exes are involved, but Larissa and Eric had their own segment.
She has moved on
She and Eric are happily together (in real life, they are now living in Colorado Springs) and she was SO not looking to fight Colt ... much ... at the Tell All.
She did address a hot button topic
Larissa has explained before, but apparently it didn't click with some people, that she is earning money in the US to continue to send it home to Brazil to support her family, including her children. She was not able to take care of them in Brazil; now, she is building a new life and hopes to be able to do so.
The insults fly
After some other insults from Colt and Debbie, Larissa says that she plans to call her ex "Colt cuckold." We're all for alliteration, but isn't "cuckold" a word for someone who is cheated on, not someone who is doing the cheating?
Tania Maduro and Syngin Colchester
We didn't get much from Tania or Syngin this time around ... but it's clear that more is coming.
But soon ...
In the teaser, it's clear that they'll be bringing up Syngin's former roommates (as in, they pop in to participate), and asking real questions about their marriage and future. Also, Syngin's drinking is starting to sound less and less healthy ... and that's going by Syngin's own descriptions of it.
Angela Deem and Michael Ilesanmi
Michael tells Shaun Robinson that he enjoys being married, because he feels that -- for cultural reasons in Nigeria -- his becoming a husband has led to him receiving more respect. Let's hope that it makes up for how little respect he gets from Angela.
Angela is wearing a mask
If it were for pandemic reasons, she would be wearing it incorrectly -- leaving her nose uncovered -- but that's now what's happening. She claims that she needs to have dental work done, and that this untreated abscess is what needs covering. A prevailing fan theory is that Angela got something done -- maybe lip fillers -- and either they were bad or Michael doesn't like them, so she covered them up. Like everything else about Angela, it's absurd and defies belief.
They're happy ... but apart
They go into how they ended up going to that club (picked by Michael's friend) before the wedding. Shaun is a great host, but they could have gone a little more into how Angela treats him instead of acting as if Angela's tantrums are in any way acceptable behavior.
But problems are on the horizon
Aside from Angela's toxic behavior and emotional instability, Michael wants a child, even if it means IVF, which is expensive. Angela wants to know how they're going to live their lives if they spend everything on conceiving.
And next week ...
"I don't have to do s--t because I'm an American" is a hell of a line. She is beyond parody at this point. She's unintentionally almost quoting "Scream Queens."
Angela once tried to attack a castmate at a Tell All taping. Fortunately, Avery Mills was unharmed, but it's a great reminder that Angela is not joking when she threatens physical violence. Of course, neither is Tammy.
Elizabeth Potthast and Andrei Castravet
Andrei films himself preparing, wondering what his in-laws are going to say about him. You are very welcome for this screenshot, by the way. Meanwhile, Elizabeth admits to the camera that she and Andrei are spending too much time around each other.
They admit that things could be better
A lot of people find themselves spending a lot of times with their family or roommates, and have felt this way for the past six months or so because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Andrei was already staying home because he doesn't have a job. Elizabeth, however, had been their breadwinner, and now she's been spending her time at home, too. Andrei admits that he sometimes gets tired of seeing his wife's face. Look ... maybe it's because I'm not married, but doesn't that seem a little (a lot!) harsh? Everybody needs their space, but you should still genuinely like each other.
Andrei is obsessed with gender
He wants to be "the man of the house," a notion that even the likes of Colt and Angela admit is no longer a "thing."
He's being serious, too
Andrei wants to lead their home, using outdated patriarchal notions as a justification. If he actually had a job, he'd be saying "I'm the breadwinner, so I make the rules." It's transparent and so weird. You should like your spouse enough to not feel insecure over who's "in charge." You're both in charge.
Tania makes some points
We know that Tania gets a WEIRD amount of hate from fans, but she's exactly the person to talk about Andrei's fixation on gender roles.
They also talk about her family
Elizabeth's family tunes in. Jenn says that Andrei's desire to manipulate Chuck is being exposed, that he told her to her face that he would have Chuck wrapped around his finger. On the flip side, the family does get a well deserved roasting for dissing Moldovan food. We also learn that Marcel knew more than even Andrei's brother about why Andrei left Moldova.
Chuck has paid for multiple weddings, but not for Jenn's. Money is always better to have, but it can really complicate things for families, and there are clear jealousies and resentments among the Potthast kids.
Kalani Faagata and Asuelu Pulaa
Now, at the end of the season, Kalani revealed that she had sent Asuelu to his mother's because he could not and would not abide by COVID-19 restrictions. He would lie about where he was, lie about wearing a mask, endangering her, their kids, her parents, and also every random stranger whom he encounters. Apparently he would accidentally send her videos of himself playing volleyball maskless. Dangerous and stupid.
It wasn't even clear if Asuelu was going to join them
He does come down and join Kalani in front of the camera, where he openly asks what the difference between shopping for groceries (an essential activity) and playing volleyball (a leisure activity) is. The answer is that one of them is necessary to live, but you should minimize your risk while doing it.
Asuelu does have a job
He teaches dance in some capacity. Kalani notes that the money that he makes is really not enough to justify the risk. (Side note: who in the WORLD is taking dance classes right now? Some people have brainworms). Asuelu doesn't seem to understand, and counters that he doesn't listen to Kalani about this because she doesn't listen to him about some superstitions (he grew up thinking that smelling the milk will spoil it ... which is not accurate ... and then he compares this to actual real-life knowledge about how viruses are spread)
Kalani's family weighs in
Her mother and sister participate in the chat. Kolini accurately notes that some people aren't brought up to care about other people, and she's not optimistic that Asuelu is going to magically start caring about other people any time soon. They all speak about how he put them at risk, about how he doesn't seem to respect Kalani, and about how rude he has been.
Asuelu gets defensive
No matter how delicately Kalani's family phrases things, Asuelu is extremely prickly about any criticism, a point that he demonstrates repeatedly.