His hair looks like it smells like a frat house couch
It's greasy, it's generally unkempt, and mostly slicked back with some kind of sticky substance. Also, it smells like pot, cigarettes, and booze. Basically, you'd be doing the dirty on - or worse, with - the old frat house sofa. Gross.
Alcohol has given him major face bloat
He's still cute, but we're not talking Legends of the Fall cute, anymore. If rumors of alcohol abuse are as true - and as rampant - as Jolie persists, Brad's got some serious alcohol bloat going on, and what's scarier than wobby man jowls hovering over your face intently?
When he's got a beard, IT'S A BEARD
Beards are fun, beards are great, beards like Brad's kill your ovulate. No, but really, there's well-groomed, and then there's flavor-savers. Anywhere in between is fine, but when he grows that goatee (or is that the entire goat?), the last thing we want to be thinking about is intercourse.
His mouth probably tastes like an ashtray
... Or a chimney. Whichever you prefer. And when you mix coffee and cigarettes, it's a double-whammy. Trust us. It's mega gross, unless you're a coffee-drinking smoker, and then this one probably doesn't apply to you anyway.
He slept with Jennifer Aniston
... And don't you know, it's not the cooties that are catching, it's the crazy. And Aniston is the cream of the crazy crop, and do you really want to go there?
Gwyneth Paltrow probably put a hex on his dong
Being as GOOPy as she is, Gwyneth Paltrow - who once said that Brad was "too good" for her - probably put some kind of magic spell on Brad where his penis consciously uncouples from the rest of his body, thusly making the encounter an astral experience. Or in GOOP's case, ASStral.
He doesn't seem to be real great with kids
And as you know, sex can sometimes lead to - surprise; we know you're shocked - children. With recent child abuse allegations supposedly at the root of his divorce from Angelina Jolie, we'd just wait and bide our time till the full results of the investigation emerge, huh?
His BO is said to resemble a sheepdog's musk
Back in '13, it was reported Brad went on an anti-soap bender, only cleansing his body with vinegar, lemon, and water. Angelina was said to avoid him while he went through this phase, and reportedly told him he smelled like a "sheepdog." We can see it, especially as this was during the filming of Fury. You remember how Shia LaBeouf lost his sh-t during that movie, too.
He was in a long-term relationship with Juliette Lewis
...And heaven knows where all that crazy was before it was in Pitt's pits. In interviews, she's said, "There’s nothing I can say or divulge about Brad Pitt that would be remotely interesting to any intelligent being," but we think there's definitely a seedier story to be told. We just don't want to be THAT up-close and personal with it.
His kids called him Stinky Daddy for a period of time
Do we have to revisit the smell? Why oh why would you want to bone someone who smells like a bag of rotten bones? We wouldn't. You shouldn't. Just because he's Brad Pitt doesn't mean anything. Scruples, and all that.
He's still married to the Antichrist
It ain't over till it's over, as they say, but can you imagine facing the wrath of "St. Angelina"? It'd be like St. Elmo's fire. Or, you know, whatever.
He's BFFs with George Clooney, so you might be passed around
Not that there's anything too wrong with Clooney, of course ... but if we had to choose between Clooney and Pitt, we'd have to go for Pitt. He's always outranked his bestie anyway.
You'd never get past the Jennifer Aniston comparisons
And what good is that going to do for your self-esteem? Come on, now. There's realism, and then there's realistic. Let's go for the latter.