Brangelina has an impressive almost-monopoly on the tabs this week, appearing on the covers of four out of five celebrity weeklies! We’d say congratulations, only it seems the reason for the couple’s resurgence is that they’re in jeopardy of losing adopted bird-flipping daughter, Zahara.In other news, the writers’ strike continues, which makes us all the more grateful that we have all that unscripted reality television (like that totally spontaneous confrontation between Heidi and LC on this week’s episode of The Hills!) to keep us adequately entertained all winter long.
Meanwhile, Intern Whitney discovers it was another busy week for Britney Spears. The inspirational pop tart enabled her kids to contract pink eye from one of her neglected quadrupeds, failed a recent court-ordered drug test and has talked about uprooting the entire fam (including the kids, the nannies and the conjunctivitis carrying pets) right here to NYC.
Us Weekly
Cover: The 20 best makeovers — no surgery! And right above that headline? “Kanye’s Mom: Tragic death by plastic surgery.” Tastefully done! Anyways, inside we’re treated to a rundown of 20 women who changed their look by following Us‘ patented insta-makover tips (which include such innovative gems as “Use black mascara!” and “Add a headband!”)
• Hollywood on strike! More saturated coverage of the WGA strike, and this time Us gives us a TV survival guide. How original. Among their suggestions: Instead of watching Brothers & Sisters, tune into The Girls Next Door! Instead of watching Heroes, tune into The Hills! Instead of watching House, tune into American Idol! Not among their suggestions: Reading or (God forbid!) venturing out of doors.
• Britney’s drug test drama! Nobody knows for sure whether or not Brit failed her drug test (except Britney and her dealer) but our main concern is those boots she has on in every single recent photo taken of her. Forget about curbing the recreational drug habit, Brit. For now, just focus on curbing your chandelier shopping and investing in another pair of kicks.
In Touch
Cover: Zahara’s family wants her back! Let’s see if we can get this story straight: Angie adopted Zahara because the child was near death and was told Z was an AIDS orphan. Now, the supposed mother of Z is coming forward and saying she never died in the first place, she simply ran away because she’s a crazy person who couldn’t deal with the responsibilities of parenting a child. Until now! We’re not sure what the real story is but, assuming this woman is, in fact, Zahara’s baby-momma, we’re thinking she’s looking for a quick paycheck instead of a lifelong relationship with her estranged daughter.
• Lauren Conrad defends The Hills, explains away all those pesky “the show is scripted” rumors: “If the cameras haven’t arrived yet the morning after a night out, we don’t talk.” Just like us! Unfortunately, there’s more. “Audrina and I will be having breakfast and I’ll say, ‘I really want to ask you about last night.’ And she’ll be like, ‘I really want to tell you, but let’s just wait.’”
• “Will Vanessa pose for Playboy?” In Touch wonders. Well, it does seem as though she was auditioning for a spot in the mag, what with those nudie pics and all. Oh, we’re not talking about that Vanessa? Then who are we talking about? Vanessa Minnillo, apparently, who’s slightly famous but still primarily known as Nick Lachey’s girlfriend.
Life & Style
Cover: Brad walks away from Angelina … and drives off with another woman! To a hotel! Until 4 a.m.! And then Life & Style puts a sizable hole in their own story by basically admitting that it’s not true. At all. So, why the tension? Brad is apparently pouty about always being in the background and playing second fiddle to Angie. Which sounds as plausible as the first story, seeing as nobody ever notices Brad Pitt in a crowd. Ever.
• Why Britney can’t have the kids! Life & Style “reveals” why Brit should never, ever be a mom: 1) She let the kids get pink eye from the dog, 2) she doesn’t watch them while they swim in the pool alone and 3) she parades them around in front of the paparazzi. Welcome to the party, L&S Also known as “the last two years.”
• Christina Aguilera had a baby shower over the weekend, and Life & Style is trying to figure out whether the baby will be a boy or girl. We’re not sure, but we’re thinking the kid will probably horribly overanalyzed by the tabloid press/paparazzi for the rest of his (or her!) natural born life.
Star
Cover: Jen breaks down! After getting into a middle-school fight with BFF Courteney Cox, Jen has been reportedly e-mailing ex Brad Pitt to ease the pain of having nobody and being a lonely shrew. Don’t hate, those are Star’s words, not ours.
• J.Lo’s 18K gold twins! Wow, she really is a true diva. Popping out solid gold babies? Oh, apparently she’s just decorating the babies’ nurseries in 18K gold. We’re still unimpressed.
• Britney is trying to win Kevin back! “There’s no telling what she’d do to get attention,” says a friend. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Britney would go as far as doing some damage in the hope of hearing Kevin say, ‘I love you.’ She could do something really wacky just to ’show the world.’” Um, has this “friend” been coherent for the past year and a half?
OK!
Cover: Surprise! Brangelina are happy together! (Weird, we thought we read somewhere that they were totes on the verge of splitting up and about to lose custody of their Ethiopian baby or something!) Plus, “Brad’s got Angie in the one place no other man could — the kitchen!” Where every woman belongs, apparently, in order for your relationship to be successful.
• Jessica Simpson’s life is in shambles and it’s all Papa Joe’s fault! But you can’t really blame her dad for dropping the ball — he’s been far too busy staring at his daughters’ D-cups and making overtly creepy statements to the media. Priorities, people.
• Britney Spears is eyeing a $9 million apartment in the West Village. In unrelated news, we hear that the property value in the Village has just drastically declined.
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