Today’s Halloween edition of Talk of the Tabs in an exercise in brevity. This week, we’re telling you everything on a strictly need-to-know basis (never mind the inherent contradiction that all of this is, in fact extraneous). First up: the covers!
Us: Lauren Conrad’s new dating rules! Which, shockingly, don’t include not dating people exclusively for the ratings. In Touch: A wedding to keep Brad. But can Angie muster up the strength? Based on her current state of malnutrition, the jury is still out. Life & Style: Britney could be pregnant again! She’s not, of course. But she could be! The mere thought of it gives us goosebumps. Star: TomKat is being torn apart! Can’t you tell? The sinister blue tinge on Star’s cover totally gives it away! And lastly, OK!: Tom and Katie making it work. No blue cover here, folks. This time the Scientologist lovebirds are all smiles and warm earth tones, which means it’s for reals!
Can’t wait to hear the rest? Reexamine your priorities, why don’t you! And when you’re finished with that, let Intern Whitney give you the complete condensed rundown, after the jump.
Us Weekly
Cover: The Hills star Lauren Conrad shares her dating rules, including how to spot a loser (Answer: anyone she’s ever been linked to). She also admits that she has a crush on Zac Efron. “His hair is always so pretty!” she gushes. Yes it is, LC. That’s because he’s gay. Which makes sense, considering the two things LC knows about are giant headbands and dysfunctional relationships. Remind us again why this not-exactly-famous person seems to think she’s in a position to give out dating advice?
• One of Britney’s former assistants (how many does she have, exactly??) gives Us a boring exclusive about stuff we already kind of knew. The shocker? Brit didn’t know the kids had to be fed on a regular basis. Yawn. Wake us up when Britney’s former assistants remember something really useful, like why Britney and Kevin are allowed to procreate in the first place.
• Despite being dead, Anna Nicole Smith is still crazy.
In Touch
Cover: Angelina is hoping that a pity-wedding will keep her in Brad’s good graces. What a tough life, being forced to marry consolation prize Brad Pitt. Someone please get this humanitarian this woman a medal.
• Breaking news: When women get pregnant, their boobies grow! Thankfully, we’re provided with visual confirmation of this outlandish fact. Also supposedly true: Due to all the hormonal changes, preggers women sometimes have bizarro cravings. Like peanut butter and pickle sandwiches! And occasionally watching Kid Nation.
• “After Anna’s pregnancy partying,” In Touch begins, “is Dannielynn OK?” Well, the poor child is cross-eyed, so, in a word: No.
Life & Style
Cover: Britney’s friends fear that America’s Favorite Disaster is pregnant again. Which begs the question: Who the hell is still voluntarily having sex with Britney Spears?
• Jennifer Aniston is gaining weight! Ten whole pounds! Which takes her up to a … size 2. Who’s going to love her now? Answer: Nobody. Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie is shrinking before our very eyes, and we can only hope that one day she will finally disappear forever. If not from the planet, then at least from our gossip columns and celebrity weeklies.
• Lindsay Lohan is dangerously close to falling off the wagon…again. Witnesses report that the “recovering” alcoholic was spotted trying to order vodka at a bar. What a difference a third stint in rehab makes! Oh LiLo, how we’ve missed you.
Star
Cover: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly fighting because she is paranoid that he’s in love with his co-star (even though he’s usually the nervous/controlling type). Is said co-star male or female? A quick IMDB check confirms that it’s a girl. Nothing to worry about here, Kate.
• Wah! Angelina doesn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with Brad’s family. OMG, it’s so hard dating someone with so many needy natural-birthed Aryan relatives! That said, his family does live in Springfield, Missouri so we can’t exactly say we blame her.
• Yay! Star presents us with a list of people on Britney’s “sex wish list.” Sadly for Spears, we don’t see any crazy homeless guys on there, so it’s doubtful any of Brit’s would-be suitors would touch her with a 10-foot pole.
OK!
Cover: It’s anniversary time! TomKat is celebrating one year of Tom Cruise pretending that he isn’t gay. Bring out the male strippers! – er, we mean – champagne!
• The hotel where Jennifer Aniston is staying is haunted by a ghost! Oh, wait. That’s just Angelina Jolie’s terrifying old-lady hands and magical, disappearing profile.
• Britney’s current BFF, Sam Lufti, is giving OK! an exclusive interview on how great Britney is and how she doesn’t do drugs. Also funny: This is the same guy who was attempting to sell Britney’s secret diaries containing info on her drug use and hard partying ways. Way to vet the story, OK! You wouldn’t be lying to us about another exclusive interview, now would you?
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