Talk Of The Tabs 38571

Another week, another slew of already-reported Britney news: This time Us Weekly surrenders and creates a whole entire section devoted solely to the walking disaster. Other tabs resort to the tried-and-true diet stories, featuring people on the covers that don’t really need to be dieting in the first place. Because there’s nothing potential readers enjoy more than listening to thinspirational celebs whine about their nonexistent backfat.

So join Intern Whitney as she takes you the through a slightly mean-spirited edition of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” and comes to grips with The Hills‘ Heidi and Spencer acting like famewhores (again) Angelina and Brad almost—but not quite!—breaking up (again) and the real reason Ellen’s crying about that dog she never wanted. Again.

Us Weekly

Cover: Trista (who?) vows to be thin by the new year. The former Bachelorette recently had a baby, apparently, and she is looking to fit back into her skinny jeans. But seriously? She looks just the same as she did pre-baby. Her loving husband is super encouraging, telling her “You look beautiful no matter what your weight.” … Oh wait, actually Trista says he shakes his finger at her and says, “Uh, uh, uh!” when she tries to eat something she shouldn’t.
• Us has created a new section called “The Week in Britney.” The latest: She rolls her car over a photog’s foot! She got lip injections! She turns away her parents! Her dancers haven’t been paid! But the best part is when Janice & company reveal the lyrics to one of Brit’s new songs, titled “Why Should I Be Sad?” The song is obviously about Kevin, complete with a promise to take care of the kids: “And don’t you worry about our angels … They’ll get good guidance and be trained well.” … Um, who will be giving them said “guidance?” Is Ellen adopting them, too?
• And then there’s a TV Poll Spectacular! Among the astounding revelations: Us readers would die to attend Wilhelmina’s Ugly Betty wedding, play doctor with McDreamy, possess the Heroes cheerleader’s superpower and own Lauren Conrad’s wardrobe. Fascinating stuff.

In Touch
Cover: Brad and Angelina’s broken promises! Apparently Angie vowed to create a stable life for Maddox (they’ve lived in 15 homes) said she’d make up with her father (they’re still fighting) and swore she’d take a year off from movies (she’s still accepting roles)! The horror. On a related note, Brad’s perfect.
• Tom and Katie’s first wedding anniversary is quickly approaching, and everyone (except for us and the rest of the world) wants to know: Are they still happy? An agenda-free “confidant” (a.k.a. Tom’s rep) insists the two are “blissfully happy,” but others say Katie is bored and would like to make more movies: “Katie shops all the time to fill in the hours,” a source says. Sigh. It’s a shame she doesn’t have something better to do with her time, like, oh, maybe take care of her 18-month-old child. Also? This story ends mid-sentence. Way to stay on the ball, In Touch.
• Britney’s new album will be released any day now, and she is preparing by getting liposuction. As you do. Another way Britney plans on losing weight involves buying lots of clothes that are too small for her to “inspire” her to lose weight. Something that’s clearly worked out pretty well over the last six months, based on the litany of recent photos in which she’s oozing out of her tube tops.

Life & Style
Cover: Stars beating cellulite! Cue lots of pictures of celebs with “cellulite,” which mostly consists of one small ripple of barely-there skin. Way to make everyone else feel terrible about their real-life cellulite, L&S!
• More Hills news: “Spencer’s turning Heidi into Pam!” Life & Style says. The article is filled with lots of really, really awful pictures of Heidi “filming” her new music video on the beach. And by “filming,” we mean Spencer is following her around with a single camera as she frolics around in a pink bikini. Spencer says he wanted the video to resemble Baywatch, but in actuality, it seems more like a Special Olympics promotional clip. (What, too harsh?) “[The video’s] like just an average day in my life,” Heidi says, and she’s right: Her boyfriend convincing her that she’s only beautiful with big boobs and blonde hair, the couple paying the papparazzi to take “candid” pictures of them, and Heidi acting like a complete moron. Yep, just like any other day.
• A Britney source reportedly found her diaries in the trash and is attempting to sell them for $2 million. The diaries purportedly contain information on Britney’s drug use, lesbian sex and what really happened at the VMA’s. Which is to say, all the breaking Brit gossip everyone already read about last month.

Star
Cover: Angelina’s lies! Or, as we like to call it: “In Touch, Round 2!” (Weird! Isn’t that Life & Style’s department?) Anyhow, the broken promises this time around include a vow to call Brad’s ex Jennifer Aniston and make things right (i.e. rather than simply allowing W Magazine to perpetuate their “silly” little feud). She also apparently tells little white lies to Brad to keep the peace at home! And she buys lingerie! What a bitch.
• Britney is struggling to get sober, and she means business! The troubled star has created a new drink to get high…legally! (Lilo totally just lost interest). To make what Brit calls “Purple Drank,” she mixes Diet Sprite (gotta stick to that diet!) with prescription-strength cough syrup which contains moderate amounts of codeine. Then she mixes in some painkillers, and voila! Sounds to us like a certain someone could benefit from rewatching the “I’m So Excited!” episode of Saved By The Bell.
• More Ellen news: Star is reporting that the talk show host and her girlfriend, Portia de Rossi, have called it quits, hence the real reason Ellen broke down in tears during her show last week. Because apparently that whole “Boo, someone stole that dog I didn’t feel like walking, anyway” thing was totally just a cover-up. Or something.

OK!
Cover: Britney’s planning a secret meeting with Kevin in order to win her kids back. “Britney still believes that she, and only she, knows what’s best for her and her kids,” a source says. Sure! If only children could survive on a Cheetos-and-Starbucks-only diet.
• Speaking of which, OK! is all about the children this week, with numerous stories on celebrity babies and how amazing their lives are. Madonna’s daughter spends her days at a spa, Tom and Katie’s baby girl wears only designer outfits, Angelina bought matching designer handbags for herself and her daughter, and Gwen Stefani purchased a gold stroller for her son. And to think we were worried these celebrity kids might not grow up to be well-adjusted.
• Finally, in a spread that we never want to see again ever, Star shows us pictures of celebs and their Halloween costumes. Impressively, this manages to be both boring and slightly disturbing. Plus it gave us an inexplicable craving for candy corn…