Talk Of The Tabs 38524

This week’s tabs feature everyone’s favorite couple, Brangelina. Angie is cheating on Brad! And by “cheating,” we mean “making out with her co-star, on camera, as it calls for in the script.” Hussy. Meanwhile, it turns out Rita Cosby’s hastily penned Anna Nicole Smith tell-all did a whole lot more than simply piss off Howard K. Stern and his elite legal team. It also started an annoying new craze of unauthorized celebrity exposès ! Coming soon, to a Barnes and Noble near you: Tom Cruise’s unauthorized biography! Lynne Spears’ patented guide to parenting! We see those future New York Times‘ bestsellers flying off the shelves faster than you can say “Discount rack.”

And then, of course, there’s Intern Whitney’s very favorite part: the obligatory Britney update. Friends now suspect she has severe mental problems. Their evidence? She spends almost $5,000 a month on food (that’s a lot of cheeseburgers) and another $16,000 on her wardrobe. Which strikes as more as sad than anything else.

Us Weekly
Cover: Britney sucks at life: “Does she even care?” Us wants to know. We’re thinking not. Meanwhile, the highlight of this story is a quote from a delivery man who had the harrowing experience of bringing Britney an order of clothes: “When we walked in,” relates the still-traumatized eyewitness, “she was on a towel in the center of the bed, lights off, eating cheeseburgers.” Looks like somebody’s ready to supersize!
• “NFL’s High-Scoring Playas” gives everyone a rundown on the hottest men in football. The official breakdown:Tony Romo, who is currently (supposedly) dating Sophia Bush, is the Champion Ladies’ Man, Tom Brady is Player Pop and Matt Leinhart is Captain Flirt. Paris Hilton is named as a Hall of Fame “Athletic Supporter.” Ordinarily, we’d make a joke here about how Us failed to hit it out of the park with that one, but we’re thinking the time for gratuitous sports metaphors has come and gone.
• Fans of MTV show The Hills, rejoice! Audrina has reportedly broken up with Justin-Bobby, the capri-and-combat-boots-wearing tool who has been plaguing our TVs all season. Next up: MTV breaks up with Speidi. We can hope, right?

In Touch
Cover: An unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise will be released in January, covering heretofore unmentioned topics such as the actor’s questionable sexuality and rumors surrounding daughter Suri’s paternity. For a sneak peak, please refer to every single tabloid from the past two years.
• Catfight! George Clooney and Fabio reportedly got into a shouting match at an L.A bistro. Supposedly they were arguing over picture-taking and diva-like behavior. But we like to believe they were really fighting over us.
• In Touch reveals that Britney is seeking help (sure), and she spends $4,758 a month on food alone. That comes out to 1,035 chalupas, 890 double cheeseburgers and 441 Venti frappachinos. Bon appetite!

Life & Style
Cover: OMG, Angelina was caught on tape sharing a steamy kiss with another man! Minor detail: He’s her co-star, and it’s all part of the script! But seriously, when is Brad going to dump her sorry ass?
• Britney’s mom is accepting responsibility for her disaster of a daughter, but remains naively hopeful. “I think things are getting good,” she says. Whatever you say, crazy lady! Um, you do realize we’re talking about Britney (and not the other one) right?
• “Lindsay’s turning into Jessica!” Life & Style proclaims. A virgin-turned-starfucker with a dysfunctional upbringing? We can’t think of a better role model for a young impressionable girl fresh out of rehab.

Star
Cover: Are Angelina and her bodyguard growing too close? Two out of two body experts agree that Angie and her bodyguard, whom she lovingly refers to as “Chisel,” have more than an employer/employee relationship. Which is fine, because she and Brad are broken up. Right, Star? At least, that’s what you reported last week.
• More coverage of Lynne Spears’ tell-all book about motherhood. Because no one is in a better position to give child-raising advice better than the mother of Britney Spears.
• Shia LaBeouf’s latest arrest at a Chicago Walgreens (honestly, who hasn’t done that?) was reportedly due to the actor’s heartbreak over ex-girlfriend Rihanna. Because clearly, nothing sends you reeling into a full-scale depression like an abrupt end to a fake relationship.

OK!
Cover: Britney and K-Fed’s children are “the true forgotten princes of Malibu” and “two of the poorest little rich boys Hollywood has ever known.” Dramatic much? OK! sure doesn’t think so! The mag then goes on to report that the boys are completely neglected (practically orphans!) and getting little to no attention from Britney. Which, apparently, is considered a bad thing?
• Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon in a time of 5:29:58. Impressive! Until OK! nefariously reveals that Oprah ran the race in ‘94…and beat Katie’s time by an hour.
• Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom reportedly hooked up at a Halloween party. In other news: Dax Shepard is now on suicide watch.