• Even the bachelor on The Bachelor doesn’t buy that one man choosing from 25 desperate women is a recipe for longlasting love. Much like the 90210 when Kelly Taylor “chooses herself” over a relationship with rivaling suitors Dylan and Brandon, America’s most eligible suitor chooses…no one. And saves himself a bundle on roses (and a lifetime of regret) in the process.
• Neil Diamond ruins “Sweet Caroline” for Boston Red Sox fans by admitting the song was really about Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg’s over-privileged youth.
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American Idol premieres tonight, and it’s time once again to be reminded of all the poor, misguided fools who only think they have real talent. And, as always, as we look forward to a new season of tone-deaf nitwits, drunk hosts and snotty British quips, we’re forever reminded of the Idol stars who will forever live on in our hearts.
After all, who could forget the off-key (yet lovable) William Hung, who became a cult-favorite for his tuneless rendition of the Ricky Martin classic, “She Bangs?” Or how about Katharine McPhee’s top-secret, highly publicized struggle with bulimia? What of Carrie Underwood, the Idol winner who’s best known for being NFL star Tony Romo’s jock supporter? And, of course, there was the outcry over the Reuben vs. Clay finale (which, ironically, didn’t matter anyway as neither one went on to achieve any sort of greatness.)
And, more recently, in all the hype surrounding the new season, let us not forget the main characters: the judges. Paula, with her usual effervescence, delivered a slurred, incoherent but nonetheless energetic sound byte about the intoxicating season-opener. And Randy, with his street-chic eloquence, continues to be irritatingly neutral on all issues not pertaining to Famous People Randy Jackson Knows. But it was Simon who won us over this time, when he generously—and with his characteristic humility—praised Kelly Clarkson as being way better than that artsy Bob Dylan character.
We’ll be watching tonight, oh yes, we’ll be watching. Because in only a short matter of time, the nobodies of today will soon be well on their way to becoming the has-beens of tomorrow.
• It’s a D-List clusterfuck! (Ok, this has nothing to do with music, but we just wanted to say clusterfuck.) Spurned lovers Shar Jackson and Jason Alexander hop in bed together … well, actually, they hop into Brandy and Nick Cannon’s bed. There, music. [Page Six]
• David Lee Roth is more of a handful of Howard Stern? Lloyd Grove is still talking about all things H.Stern related? [Lowdown]
• Big Screen Concerts brings completely sterile rock experiences to old people and kids with overprotective parents. The Phish movie attendees really don’t care, or notice though. (’Cuz they were high … shh) [NY Times]
• Though it is a bit unnerving that Joel and Benji Madden are looking to get further into the movie business, we suppose this means we won’t be getting a new album from Good Charlotte anytime soon — Martha would say “it’s a good thing.” [Reuters]
• GLAAD has lashed out at American Idol for Randy Jackson’s comments to one contestant about his gender. But, we don’t understand. The kid thought the judges were “racist,” What’s GLAAD got to do with it? [MSNBC]
How much better did we feel about ourselves after watching last night’s American Idol auditions in Denver? From that poor cowboy who had never left his town of 4 people (and we think peed his pants), to the bomb-ass lady who is totally broke and homeless, but still rocked house. Oh, Denver. What what a freaky, freaky place.
After cleaning the vomit off of her shirt (a result from crying so hard at this morning’s Brittenum twins news) Intern Molly has the round-up of last night’s shameless display of the totally talentless and the biz of the best.
The dullest crayons in the box:
• Tiffany Christensen, 25: This “princess” is here for the party ??????? but it sounds like she may have had her own party before her audition. If possible, she was more wasted than Paula.
• Patrick Fletcher, who we never did audition, drew a fabu freehand of the United States. His talents are seemingly endless — let’s hear him sing!
• Banana girl Amanda Berg, 17, is slightly nauseating. Also, she scares me the most, because she moves her head like a marionette.
• Simon Cowell, couldn’t just give Zachary, 17, the extremely sexuality and gender-identity confused teenager, a break. So Zachary calls Simon racist. (We might have to ask the Queerty guys about this one, but that’s not really the right term for gender/sexuality discrimination.)
Also, there was definitely a short bus transporting two special contestants to the auditions:
• Nick McCord, 25, a self-deemed “arch-preneur” for his cleaning company (whose catchphrase he can’t manage to say without stuttering) managed to bring 7-10 different color coordinated outfits. All gross.
• And of course, Ben Hausbach, 25, the amateur inventor with 5 patents, one of which he brings to show the judges. Unfortunately his skills seem to end with magnets and chess.
After the jump, a few Idol contestants who managed not to completely embarrass themselves. And Paula Abdul’s drunk-o-meter reading, of course.
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As if you weren’t frustrated enough spending a half hour trying to watch the Colin Farrell fuck fest, we are here to confuse you even more, with our round-up of last night’s American Idol.
And because it is still Wednesday, and we are now watching tonight’s AI, we must clarify that this is a review of Tuesday night’s catastrophes. We had to go make things so complicated.
Don’t worry, we’ll have tonight’s ridiculous Colorado round-up a little earlier tomorrow. For now, though, the worst of the worst and the not so bad of the best from Chicago, will have to satisfy. All coverage comes to us via Intern Molly, our favorite TV watcher ever.
The most horrific of the worst:
• Derrick, who admitted to getting turned on by his own voice (and apparently, his own armpit sweat) had the opportunity to audition twice. Both times were ear-bleeding-ly horrible. Also, he would like to remind you that he might rape you after the audition.
• Charles Berry, 23, who auditioned twice last year, performed an original piece…and was told by Simon that he should dress up as a woman. His interpretive dance on how to insert a tampon didn’t help his case.
• Then, there’s Eric Lawhon, 18, who Simon points out, sings like a boozy 40-year-old woman, just wants to see his name in lights. Jazz hands. (We’ll spare you the photo, but the offish AI website has it.)
Dear Blake from New York. Just stay in Chicago. Just, don’t come back. No, seriously, we don’t want you here.
The least annoying of the best, total hotties, and the Paula Abdul drunk-o-meter. After the break. Er, jump.
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What’s Randy Jackson doing for New Year’s Eve? Yeah, we don’t care either. But, we just couldn’t let this interview quote slip past our gaydar:
So Jackson isn’t planning to be in front of the TV watching Seacrest?
“No, never!” Jackson told AP Radio. “I told him I’d only watch if he rides the ball. If he jumps on the ball and has a fit of rage and rides it down.”
We half expect that Ryan Seacrest will jump on, and ride down some balls tomorrow night, but we really hope the whole world won’t have to watch.
Jackson Out for Seacrest New Year’s Eve [AP News]