Someone needs to keep an eye on Jennifer Aniston, because rumor has it John Mayer dumped her and, if the media is to be believed, she is going to have a nervous breakdown due to the grief. Or something.
Wow! Is Nickelodeon finally returning to its glory days and giving adults a reason to watch TV with their kids? This hasn???t happened since The Adventures of Pete & Pete went away*.
Oui! Oui! Oui! Whereas we deep-fried Americans lounge behind computers and blog angrily (“I’ma break this fuckin’ MacBook, y’all!!!1!) when news about Angelina Jolie and her ubiquitous brood overtakes all the other headlines, the French take to the fucking rues and let the world know they’re pissed:
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag ruined one of the most beloved children???s characters at an AIDS benefit yesterday in LA. Barney would have been infinitely cooler had he eaten the reality show losers, so now he???s kind of dead to me.
According to a negligibly reputable publication we may or may not have heard of, there appears to be a growing trend of black people adopting white children. Which may or may not explain why overgrown little-person Tom Cruise has suddenly been invited to join the Will Smith/Jada Pinkett clan.
“Five year-old kills 445-pound bear!” chirps the enthusiastic headline writer at CNN. Which all sounds incredibly heroic until you realize that said five year-old is actually a Southern hick. Whose grandfather readily brags that the child made the kill (i.e. pulled the trigger of his so-called “youth rifle”) all on his own. Take that, you unarmed grizzly! [CNN]
It???s too bad folks up in Westchester don???t receive the City Section because they would have been happy to read about the 11 uniquely messed up 17 year-olds raised in the city featured in this week???s section.
After reading about the music prodigy who uses the piano to entice ???hot girls??? and the Queens lesbian who was harassed by her classmates, the lack of culture in the suburbs finally seems worth it.
Even kids raised in stroller friendly neighborhoods don???t turn out so great. David Helene of Cobble Hill talked some smack about Park Slope.
I don???t go to Park Slope much. I have friends who live there, but I think the kids who go to Berkeley Carroll are kind of cocky. The partying is also way more intense there than over here. They drink a lot more than we do, and I???ve heard that the drug use may be a little more.
And that???s South Brooklyn. On the Upper East Side and in Sunday Styles, things are worse. Intrepid Times reporter Ruth La Ferla watched Gossip Girl with real Upper East Side private school girls. One girl said the show “is not just a fantasy.”
Maybe the fantasy is a well-adjusted kid raised in this city.
Taking a page from this week’s New York magazine: If UrbanBaby.com is a site for gauche mothers to bicker about their bratty kids and drinking habits, and if UrbanDaddy.com is a site for ex-frat guys with Wall Street pay stubs and an affinity for bottle service, it’s a shame UrbanMommy.com is just a parked webpage instead of a site for Upper East Side bachelors who want to fuck their mothers.