Cable Quotables 38447

Today is a very special day for our tireless Intern Wendy who, after two years of loyal service, has finally earned her reporter’s badge and will henceforth be known as Correspondent Wendy. So what’s in store for her first Cable Quotables column as an official contributor?

“Tucker Carlson’s been dreaming about knives attacking his manhood, Bill O’Reilly’s dreaming that Papaya King is the new Michael’s, and Willie Geist is fantasizing about how being electrocuted might be marginally better than working at MSNBC.” In other words, today’s theme is “sick fantasies.” Although as Intern Correspondent Wendy is quick to point out, “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”

• “But the one thing we learned from the Lorena Bobbitt case is there???s a great deal of resentment among women aimed at men. That???s why Oprah is huge.” Tucker Carlson, simultaneously mocking Oprah Winfrey’s weight and praying that she doesn???t endorse her own line of cutlery, Tucker, November 1

• ???But is any of those jobs, Pat, worth your self-respect???? Tucker Carlson, wondering why Pat Buchanan is even on his show, Tucker, November 1

• ???I don???t know if he???s making money off of this, but good for him. He climbs up a pole and electrocutes himself.??? Willie Geist, conceivably pondering his future career choices, Tucker, November 1

• ???I think this person actually wants you to write a parenting book . . . which I would say, she???s drinking the Kool Aid.??? Laurie Dhue, holding Bill O???Reilly responsible for Britney Spears??? patented Parenting While Intoxicated tack, The O???Reilly Factor, November 2

• ???You think Morris deserves more than Papaya King? Papaya King is the best!??? Bill O???Reilly, finally starting to see why nobody ever accepts his dinner invitations, The O???Reilly Factor, November 2