• Ted Casablanca reveals the secret behind Angelina’s rapid weight loss. You guessed it: Black tar heroin.
• Kate Moss tells Pete Doherty that she’ll only marry him if he can lay off the crack-pipe. Doherty responds to this ultimatum by writing, “Smack and needle-free we shall marry in the summer and I become 10 times happier than any given smackhead. Huzzah!” Yeah, good luck with that whole marriage thing, Kate.
• Paris Hilton is sick, tired of being used by the media without whom she would be nothing.
• Hotelier Andre Balaz to give the Chelsea Hotel the “Chateau Marmont” treatment. Plans include completely renovating the interior, and stocking the Star Lounge with Moet champagne, trendy ottomans and the Olsen twins.
• Meanwhile, Chad Michael Murray isn’t just a mediocre actor who enjoys marrying barely legal teenagers and then promptly cheating on them. He’s also a nightmare ex!
• Kim Kardashian is looking for love the only way she knows how: by hanging with Britney Gastineau, and then begging people to introduce her to Pharrell Williams before settling for Fabolous instead.
• Rapper 50 Cent is into having into having sex, he ain’t into making love. But apparently, he is into holding hands with the middle-aged Dutchess of York.
• Great. Courtney Love was keeping the prices down in SoHo, but now that she’s gone, 30 Crosby Street won’t be a crack house anymore. [NYO]
• Paris Hilton is banned from going within 100 yards of Brian Quintana. Unless, of course, they’re at a party, in which case universal law requires everyone stay the fuck away from her. [People]
• Good thing we have Lloyd Grove to protect celebrities from invasive overexposure. [Lowdown]
• Bruce Willis is willing to do whatever it takes to rid Columbia of drugs. Even if it means going there and snorting up all the cocaine himself. [The Scoop]
• Power couple Uma Thurman and Andre Balazs have called it quits. Just as well, though — his Chateau Marmont has basically turned into a brothel. [Page Six]
• Burn! Jennifer Aniston toasts a glass, some marshmallows, and her wedding dress. [Page Six]
• No, silly, “professional drink holder” is not a fancy name for bartender. It is the actually title of the person who gets paid to hold Mariah Carey’s drinks. Getting paid to blog doesn’t look so stupid now, does it? [The Scoop]
• Turns out Joaquin Pheonix isn’t the only celeb who takes their character roles seriously – ex-Sopranos stars are now whacking cops. [People]
• In a fit of jealousy over Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s baby Violet, Jennifer Lopez decides she wants to ruin her longest running marriage with a screaming bundle of her own. [Star]
• Madonna pulls an ass shakin’ Pussycat Dolls move on Andre Balazs. Why doesn’t Uma Thurman care? Because she knows that her boyfriend doesn’t J-Date. [Lowdown]