Although we can???t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
Despite their big dreams, roster of celebrity weekly expatriates and highly unrealistic goals of chipping away at the Sunday Times‘ readership, Page Six Magazine hasn’t made nearly as much of a splash with readers—or potential advertisers—as they would have liked.
And because a friend in need is a friend indeed, we’ve decided to take some time out of our busy schedule to offer them some helpful unsolicited advice. Read on, loyal Sixers, and we’ll tell you everything we know about how not to blow a major magazine launch the first, second or even third time around.
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Sometimes, after we’ve just eaten lunch and are dangerously close to falling into a late-afternoon “food coma,” we’ll take a few minutes to relax, revamp and indulge our secret new hobby: perusing the advice columns and taking a small, private satisfaction in knowing there are people out there in the world who are much, much crazier than we are.
Today’s findings, however, were particularly enjoyable. We found ourselves drawn to the Dear Prudence section of Slate, and this week, “Prudie” really had her work cut out for her.
Nutjob #1 isn’t sure whether or not her co-worker’s creepy comments of “I could just stand here and smell you all day,” and “Your smell is what gets me through the day” constitute sexual harassment. [Spoiler: They do!]
But it’s Nutjob #2 who really gripped our attention.
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Sick of sitting back and watching Katie Couric flounder over at CBS, The Plain Dealer reporter Michael Heaton has come up with a list of “10 surefire tips to reverse the precipitous plunge in ratings.”
1. Every Wednesday, do the news with hand puppets. (Attracts younger viewers.)
2. Hire a special correspondent: Sanjaya.
3. Reignite your feud with Bryant Gumbel.
4. Sign off each night with the word “ramalamadingdong” then refuse to discuss its deep personal significance to you, thereby setting off a firestorm of speculation.
5. Cry.
6. Wear a fedora with a PRESS card tucked in the band.
7. Ask Oprah to do the weather.
8. Whittle a piece of wood with a pocket knife while delivering the news.
9. Try a French accent.
10. Give every viewer a new car.
While we admire Heaton’s efforts, we can’t help but notice he’s overlooked one or two useful tips that might help everyone’s favorite third-placed new anchor. Fortunately, we’ve compiled a list of our own for Katie to peruse at her leisure.
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