What sort of life advice does Khloe Kardashian have to offer? Here is what we’d like to imagine will be in her book.
How to Choose a Hosting Gig
Do not choose a hosting gig. Even if you get to stand next to Mario Lopez for hours at a time.
Be Proud of Your Curves
Unless they offer you a lot of money to shill for a ridiculous weight loss product.
How to Best Use Instagram
Just run a Google search for “Profound Quote About Love and Loneliness,” copy and paste said quote on to your page and you’re set.
How to Handle a Crisis
Running from your problems doesn’t solve anything and only makes it look like you have something to hide. I learned this from my father, O.J. Simpson.
Just Say No…
… to marrying a man with a history of substance abuse.
Always Give Your Mom 6% of Your Earnings
Or else she will cut you. Seriously.
Never Mak a Sex Tape
Just leave that to your sister and reap the benefits.
Embrace Your (Literal) Strength
If you get the shaft and miss out on all the genes that made your siblings much more petite, curvy, and beautiful, at least you can still beat their asses.
Actually Have a Baby
And then see what the tabloids try to write/speculate about!
Never Be Afraid to Fish
If your marriage with a crackhead basketball player doesn’t work out, remember: there are plenty of other mediocre rappers who require subtitling in the sea.
Know Your Weaknesses
For example: Hire an intern to write your self-help book. Come on, that’s not anything you’re capable of doing yourself.
Put Family First
Always be the bigger person and let your brother crash with you when he’s in need. The b!tch from Gone Girl would never do that.
Even the Douchiest of Bags are People, Too
Let the Lord Be With You. That’s not a religious statement, Scott Disick is just hilarious to be around!