These days, Donald Trump has about as many powerful allies as that German fella did when he tied the knot with his actress girlfriend in that bunker.
Former bootlickers like Michael Cohen and Anthony Scaramucci jumped ship long ago, and now the president has even managed to alienate Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell, who recently downgraded Trump's status from "useful idiot" to just plain idiot.
But Trump learned the advantages of nepotism at an early age, and he knows that employees who share his last name will stick by his side until the bitter end.
Donald Trump Jr. is a toxic figure himself, so much so that he couldn't land a management position at Denny's these days; Eric Trump is only vaguely aware of why the adults have been so grumpy lately.
Taking a page from the president's own playbook, we're gonna barely acknowledge Tiffany.
Instead, we're turning all of our attention toward Ivanka and what she has planned for the chaotic end of her father's Reign of Terror and beyond.
With her father facing a second impeachment and her name being mentioned alongside the other opportunists who have spent the past four years bringing this country to its knees, you would think that Ivanka might be keeping a low profile these days.
Instead, along with her frail husband, Ivanka is looking to the future and dreaming big.
A lot has changed in the week since the Capitol Building riots gave Americans an exciting sneak preview of our possible future as a civil war-torn Third World country.
But one thing has remained constant - Ivanka's dreams of being the first female president.
Yes, according to Michael Wolff's book Fire and Fury, Javanka was cautioned against taking jobs in the Trump administration four years ago.
But, after “balancing risk against reward,” they “decided to accept roles in the West Wing over the advice of almost everyone they knew."
One of their main reasons for doing so, it seems, was Ivanka's dream of one day occupying the Oval Office herself.
"It was a joint decision by the couple, and, in some sense, a joint job," Wolff writes.
"Between themselves, the two had made an earnest deal: If sometime in the future the opportunity arose, she’d be the one to run for president."
"The first woman president, Ivanka entertained, would not be Hillary Clinton; it would be Ivanka Trump.”
You would think that following the events of the past few weeks, the Kushners would be primarily focused on staying out of prison.
But it seems Ivanka still has her eyes on the prize.
In fact, insiders say she's planning to begin the process of rebuilding her public image next week, by defying her father and attending Joe Biden’s inauguration on January 20.
The goal, it seems, is to “save her reputation” and her “promising political career."
(Yes, she is actually of the opinion that this is a thing that exists. By "this" we mean both her political career, and an invitation to attend the inauguration of the man her father has tried to sully at every turn.)
The Donald, as you might imagine, is less than thrilled with his daughter's plan, such as it is.
According to a new report from the Daily Mail, Trump the Elder considers it “an insult that she would even want to engage with the crooks [who] are trying to bring him down.”
A source tells the outlet that Trump warned his daughter “her presence at the inauguration will cost her thousands of supporters and would be the worst decision she could ever make.”
Ivanka, conversely, feels that attending the inauguration would amount to “being a good sport" and believes the move "will gain [her] future supporters.”
The Daily Mail source says Ivanka made it clear that she “has to protect her own political aspirations.”
If there's one thing Donald understands, it's rank opportunism, so that explanation should have done the trick.
But the president hasn't given up on his own ambitions, and he's been open about the fact that he's planning run for president again in 2024.
That, of course, assumes Donnie doesn't get convicted by the Senate and barred from holding office again. But if/when he survives, that has us thinking:
Frankly, we feel that with all the nonsense we were forced to endure in 2020, we deserve a Donald vs. Ivanka primary in four years!