We're living in one of the most divisive times in American history, and now more than ever, there's an urgent demand for elected officials who can rise to the occasion and meet the unique challenges of this era.
We need politicians with guts, politicians with integrity, politicians who can filibuster by reciting the lyrics to "Bawitdaba" from memory.
And only one man fits the bill ...
His name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID ... actually, we don't know his real name, and we're too lazy to look it up, but he goes by Kid Rock, and he'd like to represent the great state of Michigan in the United States Senate.
Yes, seriously. We think.
The 46-year-old spawn of a naked chick trucker mud flap and a can of Natural Ice has announced that he plans to add being elected to the US Senate to his list of accomplishments, which currently includes touching Pam Anderson's boobs and taking goatee maintenance to strange new heights.
Rock announced his campaign with the following tweet:
"I have had a ton of emails and texts asking me if this website is real… http://kidrockforsenate.com The answer is an absolute YES."
The website he links to doesn't offer much in the way of information or answer any of our many, many questions.
(For example: Is this for real? What's your platform? No, seriously, is this for real?)
It does feature the apparent campaign motto "Are you scared?" as well as a link to purchase shirts and other merchandise, and now that we think about it, that pretty well sums up American politics in 2017.
Oh, the site also gives us this amazingly meme-worthy photo of the future Senator Rock:
As for his qualifications ... well, Rock did meet President Trump back in April.
Of course, to many, that would be like saying you're qualified to host a forum on race relations because you once got drunk with Shia LaBeouf.
Needless to say, a lot of people are chuckling at the notion of Senator Rock, and we agree that the whole thing is ridiculous.
Obviously, Kid should think much bigger and run for president!
Hear us out:
We already know that Dwayne Johnson wants to run for the White House in 2020, and the notion of a Rock vs. Rock contest is too amazing to resist.
Sure, it might signal the death of American democracy as we know it, but that thing was on its way out, anyway.
So get in the pit and try to love someone!
Whatever that means.