The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Monkey Business

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This week, the Real Housewives of Orange County are headed to Costa Rica. Alexis thinks they're going to Mexico, but that's okay as she also doesn't realize how fake she can be.

Good thing the ladies are here to call her out on her phoniness this week. That guarantees to bring the drama. How much drama, exactly?

Let's find out with our THG +/- review!

The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 7 Cast

Heather and Terry and Tamra and Eddie meet up for dinner. Talk immediately turns to Tamra and Alexis' lunch date. Terry almost chokes on his champagne when Tamra spits out that she told Alexis he thinks

Alexis is a phony. I knew that one would come back to bite her. Minus 5.

Heather says in a one-on-one that Tamra's got to learn to keep her secrets...uh...secret. Then the ladies plot to confront Alexis on their trip to Costa Rica.

Alexis's friend Shannon comes over while Alexis is packing. Since Alexis doesn't have a full-time nanny, she's only going on the trip for two days while the rest of the ladies will be there for five days. She's packing like she'll be there for way more than two days, which isn't shocking at all, really. She's nervous about being on a trip with Tamra. And since Tamra and Heather have plans to stage an intervention, she should be.

Heather's packing too. She tells her assistant/friend that they'll be ziplining and going on a safari. But she's packing Jimmy Choo wedges. Minus 5. She's also confident that Terry can keep the good ship Dubrow running smoothly in her absence.

Gretchen's also packing. Slade Googled "Costa Rica packing list." Smart! Plus 10. Gretchen has none of the things on the list and says that Slade is stressing her out. She tells him to stop reading, he says he's just trying to help, she says "but you're just stressing me out!" Trouble in paradise? Smells like it.

Alexis and Heather are the first two to arrive at the airport. At 4 a.m. Heather is not amused.

They all have to detour in Florida to pick Vicki up and Heather asks Alexis if that's even in the right direction. Heather, Alexis thinks you're going to MEXICO. Do not ask her for directions.

It's 9:47 p.m. when they arrive in Costa Rica. Congratulations, ladies. It just took you over eleven hours to get there. When they get to the resort, they find out that there was an airport 15 minutes away. That makes the three hours they spent in a car driving over there even more ridiculous. Minus 15, Vicki, for planning this yourself instead of hiring a travel agent.

At least there are welcome cocktails. Plus 5.

Vicki has to run off to call Brooks as soon as they arrive at the resort. The ladies reminisce about how Vicki's critiqued all of them for doing the same thing in the past. Minus 15, just because Vicki makes me nuts.

The women start talking about their glitz and bling and makeup and how they aren't going to wear those things while on vacation. And then Alexis, once again, tells the ladies that it's totally cool because she's wearing a fake diamond right now "to feel safe." Safe from what, Alexis?? Minus 10.

Vicki says "no men allowed!" Conveniently this proclamation comes AFTER she's called Brooks. Minus 10.

Alexis says that she's leaving early because she has "three little babies under five" at home. Vicki points out that Heather has "four little babies under seven." "Eight," Heather chimes in. But Alexis doesn't have a live-in nanny anymore so she has to leave early. Heather doesn't have one either, Alexis. Like Heather says, Alexis needs a new excuse.

Vicki starts shouting about how her Love Tank is full and Heather has no idea what that means. Tamra shouts "she's getting laid!" which sends Vicki into fits. And hysterics. And eventually she's screaming about a bladder infection and Brianna got married and monkey penises. I want some of whatever she's drinking. STAT.

It's time for their first Costa Rican adventure - ziplining. They have canteens full of booze and they scream at an ox like they've just been attacked. Vicki plays a game of Dirty Alphabet Picnic complete with words that would make her sober self blush. And then she says "kids love this game." I sure hope kids don't know half the words she just spouted. Minus 10.

Finally, the girls arrive at the ziplining location. Alexis gets her hair braided by the zipline guy and the girls all wonder if Jim's going to be okay with this. Alexis is excited to zipline, Gretchen "doesn't get it," and Heather's nervous, but Heather knows that if Alexis can do this, she can too. Atta girl, Heather. Plus 5.

Once the ladies get on the first platform, Vicki zips across to the next platform with no trouble. Alexis plans to go second and turns into a damsel in distress. Emphasis on the distress. It's so over the top I want to push her off the platform myself just to shut her up. Minus 20.

Vicki's spazzing out. She can't shut up and Tamra says the word "penis." Vicki clams up. So then Tamra calls her a hypocrite because of the items she brought on the picnic game. Vicki gets a little cranky with Tamra, but Tamra's right. Minus 10 to Vicki for being a word-hypocrite.

If it's possible to like Vicki less, I like her less. She's bonkers on this trip and it's grating.

Finally, the women are finished ziplining and they're getting ready for dinner. Gretchen goes to Alexis' room and Heather goes to Tamra's. Tamra jokes that she's wearing Alexis' lip implants in her bra since she's had her breasts reduced. Minus 15. Ew.

The scene cuts back and forth:

  • Alexis feels like there's underlying tension between she and Heather.
  • Tamra and Heather talk about how Alexis overreacted all day long.
  • Alexis tells Gretchen she's got to talk to Heather about Terry's comments.
  • Heather tells Tamra she backs Terry.
  • Alexis asks Gretchen if Gretchen felt the tension. Gretchen said no because nothing was directed at her.
  • Heather and Tamra throw back the last of their wine and ready themselves to go to dinner to confront Alexis.

I feel like I need a drink to prepare for this dinner.

Heather and Tamra are on one side of the table. Vicki, Alexis, and Gretchen are on the other. Vicki wants to sing the song from Mary Poppins. Tamra asks Vicki what's up and Vicki says she's just happy right now and Tamra's never seen this side of her. Tamra calls bullshit. Gretchen's really subdued and Tamra asks why. Gretchen doesn't really answer but says in a one-on-one that she doesn't really want the women harping on her relationship with Slade. Plus 10, Gretchen.

The guys are supposedly going out to dinner while the girls are in Costa Rica. Slade was supposed to call Jim but Alexis says she doubts Jim would go unless Jim got a call from Terry. She's brought up the "white elephant." It's about to get good.

Heather, ever the woman of class and dignity, says "should we talk about that then?" Alexis says that Terry doesn't know her. Heather says it's not about Terry and what he said because he just said what he's heard everyone else say. Plus 5.

Heather says Alexis comes across as materialistic. She doesn't have to talk about all of her things all the time. Gretchen, who has been mostly silent for the entire trip, tells Alexis that she sometimes does things that come across as pretentious. (Hello, Puppy Princess Party?)

Vicki says there are times she feels beneath Alexis, but she probably has more money than Alexis. She's a financial planner. She'd be more conservative. She says it's not about stuff. Plus 10.

Alexis defends Jim's buying and selling of cars and says that he's really good at buying and selling cars to make a profit. And that if they like art and want nice things, they'll have nice things.

Tamra shouts that Alexis needs to just be a real person. And Alexis shouts that Tamra needs to stop being so mean and hateful.

Vicki's face says it all.


Next week, there are thieving monkeys, white water rafting, and Vicki talks about Donn.

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