Jessica Simpson Appears on Ellen, Makes Little to No Sense

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When Jessica Simpson gets inappropriately shamed as a mother on Twitter, we rush to the singer's defense.

However, when Jessica Simpson appears as a guest opposite Ellen DeGeneres and rambles incoherently about marriage, mermaids and contraception... well...

... we apologize.

But we're gonna go right ahead and join the chorus of those openly mocking the artist.

Jessica Simpson on Ellen

To open their chat, Simpson immediately announced ”I’m not pregnant on your show,” trying to shoot down rumors that she’s expecting, but using an odd phrasing to do it.

Are you sure, Ellen asked?

"Oh, gosh," Jessica responded. "We had an IUD. Nothing's gonna get in that uterus!"

Okay then. Fair enough.

DeGeneres then asked Simpson how long she's been with husband Eric Johnson, a pretty straightforward inquiry that was still somehow botched.

"Seven years now. Well, coming on seven years. Well actually, seven," Simpson replied, digging an even bigger hole for herself by adding:

"It’s a long time. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a seven-year relationship. Other than with a woman. Well, not that kind.”

Of course, Ellen is in "that kind" of a relationship with a woman, which prompted the following look on her part:

Ellen is Confused

Next topic: What do Simpson and Johnson do together for fun?

"We kinda like TV shows, but then he snores through them," the guest said. "He golfs, I don't. Hmmm, we love our kids?"

Simpson proceeded to explain that she likes to get a back massage and that Johnson manages to give her one "even while he's snoring."

How generous of him? We guess?

As for the "man handlers" who worked at her daughter's mermaid-themed birthday party? And how they went to the bathroom during the event?

You're going to need to click PLAY on the video below in order to hear Jessica's fascinating explanation. (You know you want to!)

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Jessica Simpson, Ellen DeGeneres
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Jessica Simpson Biography

Jessica Simpson: Dessert Beauty Launch Party
Sweet mother of G-d, Jessica Simpson has got some huge breasts. Holy frickin' $h!t. Look at those things! She also possesses a singing... More »
Abilene, Texas
Full Name
Jessica Ann Simpson

Jessica Simpson Quotes

They're just the cutest couple in the world. They are adorable. Anybody would wish to be them and you can only wish them well. Just being around them inspires love and everything I sing about.

Jessica Simpson [on her sister and Pete Wentz]

It’s fun to do a small film that might be released to DVD not because it’s a horrible film, but because it’s an independent film. For people to say Employee of the Month was a flop is ludicrous. We made the money back–that’s not a flop. For people to say The Dukes of Hazzard was a flop–it opened to $30 million! If these movies are flops, why would I still make them?

Jessica Simpson